VioletTears
Well-known member
I don't recommend it at all, you guys... If you can find a better way to get help by all means do so... Although I guess any help is better than none at all. I guess ideally people should seek help BEFORE they reach this point.
I post on another forum that I have belonged to for a long time. I ended up writing a post on there on Sunday night that worried a lot of people... I felt guilty burdening people but I was horribly lost and didn't know what else to do. At that point I had taken 18 IBProfin and was struggling with wanting to cut my wrist and not knowing whether I would do it.
When I got home from work on Monday my mom said to me “We have a problem.” Hearing the tone of her voice and everything my heart just dropped… I was thinking, oh no, what now, I can’t take something else bad happening… Then she told me that someone from my forum called, and of course then I knew… I couldn’t even look at her. I went over to the sink and started washing dishes. She told me that everyone was worried about me and she and my dad were driving me to my son’s doctor appointment and then to the hospital.
I spent most of the time up until his appointment cleaning our bedroom and bathing my son. I just wanted to be away from them. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was embarassed and felt totally pathetic and like I was about 5 years old.
I took my little boy to the doctor and he was fine, healthy, all that good stuff… Then his doctor said, “What’s this? There’s a note on my computer from a nurse saying mother is severely depressed and possibly unstable???” Next thing I knew there was this lady in there with me. She was so so nice… She started talking to me and she looked ready to cry. She told me that I could call her personally if I need to and that she cared about me and it was weird… She was a total stranger and still I know she totally meant it. She wanted to get me in with a therapist there but she was already tied up with someone else. She said it was good I was going to the hospital and that was that…
When we got to the hospital they put a wrist band on me… Then I went to the nurse’s station and he took my temperature and said that I had a fever. He asked me if I felt okay and I was just like, yeah, I’m okay… He asked why I was there. My dad was behind me and he said that they got a call from someone saying people had been worried about me for a long time and that I had taken IB Profin or something… The guy asked me how many and I said 18. He asked me a bunch of other questions too but I just kept burying myself as deep in my seat as I could and giving vague answers. All I could think was that I wanted my dad to leave… That he was invading my privacy and I was an adult and it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t speak to people without him listening in.
We waited in the waiting room for a long time. 5 hours, I guess. My parents were there almost the entire time. I hated it. I wanted nothing more in the world than for them to leave, but first they wouldn’t, and then the nurse said someone had to stay with me. I felt so powerless and stupid. My little boy was there too, though. He was the cutest and best distraction ever… He was really well behaved and everyone in the waiting room loved him, and of course he took attention off of me, which was great. Then about half an hour before I got in to be seen my DH came. I don’t know that I had ever been so glad to see him in my life, because it meant that my parents finally left!
After that I felt much more relaxed… My DH never had any clue that I was at this point. He knew that I had been kind of depressed and also that I was sad about Parker, but mostly I hid a lot from him because I didn’t want to burden him… We had been there before a long time ago and didn’t want to do it again. I guess it was good for him and bad for me… I was relieved that he knew, though… Even though I knew HE wasn’t relieved to know.
Once he was there I relaxed so much, I even felt a little happy… I was also scared, though, mostly because I knew they could commit you if you are “a danger to self or others” and I didn’t know what the hell I would tell my supervisor if they locked me up on suicide watch… Adam kept joking around trying to make light of things and it felt good to laugh, but my emotions felt like they were all over the place. I didn’t know whether to be relieved that I was getting help or scared of what was ahead…
A doctor came in to check on me and he was really nice. My DH stayed in the room and we were able to laugh and everything. Then we spent a lot more time waiting. There was a camera in the room and it was weird… but I was able to lay down and they gave me a blanket and that much at least was good.
Finally the social worker came in. I didn’t like her at all. I don’t know if she smiled the whole time. Her eyes just kept drilling into me. She made Adam leave and she asked me all sorts of questions… Why was I there? (because my parents made me go) Was I writing a death note? (not really) Was I really trying to kill myself? (I don’t know. I didn't care.) If there had been more pills in the bottle would have I taken more? (I don't know) If they sent me home would I be safe? (I think so… -to which she responded… Oh really??? You’re not very convincing… More eyes digging into me… I just wanted to disappear…) What set this off, before your dog died? (I don’t know. Nothing is really wrong in my life. My emotions are just too much for me and I don’t know where they’re coming from.) It went on and on and on like this, for a long time. Finally she asked me what I think I want. I said that I didn’t really WANT to die but my thoughts are too much for me and it’s too hard, and guess I need more support… I also told her that I had my first ever psych appointment set up for next week. I think those things made her feel better. She said I could leave after talking through my "plan."
She referred me to an organization that has psychiatrists and social workers on staff who can see me right away... I will be meeting with them today and I guess we'll talk and they'll get me started on meds. They are suppose to be a fill in of sorts until I can actually start with a regular therapist and psychiatrist.
She made me sign a paper promising not to kill myself. Then she told my DH that if he thought I was going to he should call the police. Blah
Anyways, it's not like you walk out of there and suddenly you are okay. I'm just trying to focus on what I need to do (going to my appointments and such) and taking it little by little. This morning sucked but I'm kind of okay right now...
I post on another forum that I have belonged to for a long time. I ended up writing a post on there on Sunday night that worried a lot of people... I felt guilty burdening people but I was horribly lost and didn't know what else to do. At that point I had taken 18 IBProfin and was struggling with wanting to cut my wrist and not knowing whether I would do it.
When I got home from work on Monday my mom said to me “We have a problem.” Hearing the tone of her voice and everything my heart just dropped… I was thinking, oh no, what now, I can’t take something else bad happening… Then she told me that someone from my forum called, and of course then I knew… I couldn’t even look at her. I went over to the sink and started washing dishes. She told me that everyone was worried about me and she and my dad were driving me to my son’s doctor appointment and then to the hospital.
I spent most of the time up until his appointment cleaning our bedroom and bathing my son. I just wanted to be away from them. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was embarassed and felt totally pathetic and like I was about 5 years old.
I took my little boy to the doctor and he was fine, healthy, all that good stuff… Then his doctor said, “What’s this? There’s a note on my computer from a nurse saying mother is severely depressed and possibly unstable???” Next thing I knew there was this lady in there with me. She was so so nice… She started talking to me and she looked ready to cry. She told me that I could call her personally if I need to and that she cared about me and it was weird… She was a total stranger and still I know she totally meant it. She wanted to get me in with a therapist there but she was already tied up with someone else. She said it was good I was going to the hospital and that was that…
When we got to the hospital they put a wrist band on me… Then I went to the nurse’s station and he took my temperature and said that I had a fever. He asked me if I felt okay and I was just like, yeah, I’m okay… He asked why I was there. My dad was behind me and he said that they got a call from someone saying people had been worried about me for a long time and that I had taken IB Profin or something… The guy asked me how many and I said 18. He asked me a bunch of other questions too but I just kept burying myself as deep in my seat as I could and giving vague answers. All I could think was that I wanted my dad to leave… That he was invading my privacy and I was an adult and it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t speak to people without him listening in.
We waited in the waiting room for a long time. 5 hours, I guess. My parents were there almost the entire time. I hated it. I wanted nothing more in the world than for them to leave, but first they wouldn’t, and then the nurse said someone had to stay with me. I felt so powerless and stupid. My little boy was there too, though. He was the cutest and best distraction ever… He was really well behaved and everyone in the waiting room loved him, and of course he took attention off of me, which was great. Then about half an hour before I got in to be seen my DH came. I don’t know that I had ever been so glad to see him in my life, because it meant that my parents finally left!
After that I felt much more relaxed… My DH never had any clue that I was at this point. He knew that I had been kind of depressed and also that I was sad about Parker, but mostly I hid a lot from him because I didn’t want to burden him… We had been there before a long time ago and didn’t want to do it again. I guess it was good for him and bad for me… I was relieved that he knew, though… Even though I knew HE wasn’t relieved to know.
Once he was there I relaxed so much, I even felt a little happy… I was also scared, though, mostly because I knew they could commit you if you are “a danger to self or others” and I didn’t know what the hell I would tell my supervisor if they locked me up on suicide watch… Adam kept joking around trying to make light of things and it felt good to laugh, but my emotions felt like they were all over the place. I didn’t know whether to be relieved that I was getting help or scared of what was ahead…
A doctor came in to check on me and he was really nice. My DH stayed in the room and we were able to laugh and everything. Then we spent a lot more time waiting. There was a camera in the room and it was weird… but I was able to lay down and they gave me a blanket and that much at least was good.
Finally the social worker came in. I didn’t like her at all. I don’t know if she smiled the whole time. Her eyes just kept drilling into me. She made Adam leave and she asked me all sorts of questions… Why was I there? (because my parents made me go) Was I writing a death note? (not really) Was I really trying to kill myself? (I don’t know. I didn't care.) If there had been more pills in the bottle would have I taken more? (I don't know) If they sent me home would I be safe? (I think so… -to which she responded… Oh really??? You’re not very convincing… More eyes digging into me… I just wanted to disappear…) What set this off, before your dog died? (I don’t know. Nothing is really wrong in my life. My emotions are just too much for me and I don’t know where they’re coming from.) It went on and on and on like this, for a long time. Finally she asked me what I think I want. I said that I didn’t really WANT to die but my thoughts are too much for me and it’s too hard, and guess I need more support… I also told her that I had my first ever psych appointment set up for next week. I think those things made her feel better. She said I could leave after talking through my "plan."
She referred me to an organization that has psychiatrists and social workers on staff who can see me right away... I will be meeting with them today and I guess we'll talk and they'll get me started on meds. They are suppose to be a fill in of sorts until I can actually start with a regular therapist and psychiatrist.
She made me sign a paper promising not to kill myself. Then she told my DH that if he thought I was going to he should call the police. Blah
Anyways, it's not like you walk out of there and suddenly you are okay. I'm just trying to focus on what I need to do (going to my appointments and such) and taking it little by little. This morning sucked but I'm kind of okay right now...
