I feel like a black sheep

[nosblob]

I have the worst case of agoraphobia you can imagine. I never leave, even leaving my room is terrifying. I kept it up for an entire 4 years and then I got on clonazepam which pretty much made me normal until I developed a tolerance and relapsed back into an agoraphobic state. I am literally terrified of everything but the worst part is I can't even relate to other agoraphobics. I have never had a panic attack. I have agoraphobia without history of panic disorder, which is really fucking lame because when I go to see my doctor I get the impression that I'm losing my mind because this type of agoraphobia is so rare that some people argue if it's even real. I just feel like givng up sometimes, I've got the lamest phobia in the world, the fear of basically EVERYTHING. I don't get it, I have it so bad that only clonazepam made me come outside...but I got a tolerance within 3 months and the drug is only taken now to nullify withdrawal.

And let me tell you, withdrawal is hell, I don't like it one bit, it makes me wanna shoot myself because I'm delusional, I feel out of my body half the time, and everything surprises me and everything is like it's from another planet. Like I said though, I take clonazepam to nullify its withdrawal so now I'm just back to being agoraphobic for what seems like a hopeless pit. I don't believe in ADD but I take adderall XR for the energy boost, it's really what makes my depression under control because without the adderall XR I would probably just lay in my bed all day gradually getting more suicidal. Right now I'm just on the verge of sanity because I cannot rationalize why I feel such panic all the time.

If I hear my brothers one of which is 5 years younger than me speak outside my door it sends instant panic into me. I don't even have a thought process I'm just afraid of everything. I have one friend who has been here everyday of my miserable life and he only talks to me with ventrilo, we are real life friends but seeing eachother is impossible for me, I don't have a car, a license, or the ability to go outside really. I used to smoke weed and believe it or not that actually calmed my panic, I got paranoid but AT LEAST THE PANIC WAS GONE! I haven't had access to marijuana in almost 5 years because of my agoraphobia and the fact that I only have one friend and no income to buy it anyways.

It feels like psychiatrists can't cure me and therapists don't help, infact my therapist told me I was borderline psychotic and probably had OCD. Thanks for the support, jerk. I feel like my psychiatrist is my only therapist sometimes, I can cry in front of her and be really open but nothing in my life is changing. I'm starting to hate my life. I have contemplated suicide a lot more often lately, but I'm afraid of reincarnation or a slow death.. Jesus Christ I'm just fucked up. I'm also atheist so I don't find any comfort in a higher power. I feel like I don't belong, where's the section for people with panic so bad they're practically bat shit insane? I need to go hangout there.

 

[solent]

Hi nosblob,
I think you may be overreacting to the 'psychotic' comment. In mental health, 'neurosis' relates to some kind of behavoural disorder - anxiety, depression etc - ie some kind of chemical imbalance or learned behaviour. 'psychosis' refers to something with a physical cause - ie some kind of physical brain damage. I don't think you should take the comment personally, but bear in mind that cannabis can cause psychosis so it's best avoided, especially in your condition.

Something which I think could really help you is something called 'mindfullness meditation'. Mediation sounds wierd, but it's really about learning to accept yourself as you are and to accept what happens to you without fighting - without panicing. Look for books by 'John Kabat Zinn' to learn the techniques. Also, any form of relaxation technique will held lower your anxiety levels.

I'm curious to know what causes your panic - I think if you could analyse what you are scared of it may help you to overcome it.

 

[flake__]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation i just wanted to point out that i know for a fact everyone has a thought process behind fear. You have to interpret the situation in a fearful way to feel the fear, even if this happens so quickly you didn't notice the thought (and of course you wouldn't choose to have these thoughts if given the chance).

Also you say you seem to be afraid of everything, have you ever checked out GAD incase?

It sounds like your psychiatrist is good as a counsellor for you to open up and express how you feel about what you're going through, but they don't seem to offer much help? Maybe it would be worth doing your own research for methods you think might help. You are the one with anxiety, therefore you know more about it than they do. I believe anything can be overcome, the fact that the medication you took worked for a while proves it can be. If they say you can't be helped don't believe that--all that means is that THEY don't know how to help you.