I feel hopeless...

[no1]

I grew up with a lot of social problems. It's really too much to explain. I don't know what to do about it and I feel hopeless. Mainly I feel hopeless due to the fact that.. growing up I was supposed to learn certain things which now it's harder to learn. I feel developmentally retarded (although not in the definition that most would think), and I also think there is nothing that can help bring me to a state of balance. I will always be edgy, for it is in my biology, it has been a pattern for too long, now it's ingrained into my physiology, and it's very hard to get out of. Nothing can change my past. I feel my problem is not just mental but also biological/physiological. I feel as if there was only one chance to do things, to experience some things, and it should have been in some time in my past. I am also very different from others, making it harder to relate with anyone else. I am kind of nihilistic also, very much into things that are 'hidden' from most, things are not really accepted much. Not that they are bad they are just.. misunderstood I guess. Don't get me wrong these are not things that people would think is absolutely crazy, just some things that are not considered 'normal', so I feel outcasted. I am not 'in' with the 'in' crowd, I don't know whats 'in' or 'out'.

I dont know. My main concern is that I feel like it's hopeless because of the first things I mentioned: that it is part of my biology, it's like... when a person get's too old. I feel I will always be this way,no matter what I do. There are no known methods to completely cure me, and reverse it. It seems I can never be normal again, dysfunctional.. it is my biology, my physiology, I feel that it is deeply disturbed.

Who would understand this? How will I ever find a friend? How could I ever find "love"? I've never had many friends. I don't even know what friends are, neither do I know what "love" is, and I do have a hard time accepting the primitive nature of humanity.

Some people think I just have OCD, or am just too scared. I believe that I am a burden to most. I don't go out because I am disturbing, pathetic, unworthy, a danger, like, a beast or abomination. I feel irreconcilable. I don't even know what else to write or if it's worth it. I will see a psychologist or social worker soon, but I am unsure if it would help. I also don't believe in much of "western" allopathic medicine and science since sometimes it only treats symptoms and not the actual causes. Even "chemical imbalance" is a symptom. They see things only black and white a lot of the time and fail to see very crucial things, sometimes even causing more problems. I don't blame the good people who really want to help, but it's the way the system has been set up. Things are really messed up in this world, there are hidden "authorities" that nobody knows about in crucial places which set things up or influence the whole. I know it seems like a grand conspiracy, and I know it makes me seem psychopathic schizo, or whatever, but there really are some messed up things in this world.

Is it really hopeless? Would I ever be able to find a meaninful, REAL, and lasting recovery?

 

[no1]

I haven't slept well in 3 years, (maybe my back problems contribute). There are a lot of things I am also not saying, but just to keep it short (I know it's already too long) I am not saying it. I am going to school and these preoccupations and the disorganization in my life has been kinda holding me back from my studies and my responsibilities at home. I don't know if I'll see light. :roll: I might be mocked, made fun of, undermined, whatever.

 

[Persos]

What's wrong being a schizo? What's wrong being different? You shouldn't feel so bad about yourself? If you are a good person and don't want to hurt anyone, why can't society accept you as you are?

 

[no1]

what's wrong is that Im lonely and I go crazy being lonely. Yet I can't go outside and do anything because I feel like people will judge me, and I might cause trouble or do something. Im scared like a chump.. I've gone out before, alone. I can't do it though because I end up doing nothing, going home and feeling worse than I did before. I feel I will be alone my entire life..... blah.

 

[Danfalc]

what's wrong is that Im lonely and I go crazy being lonely. Yet I can't go outside and do anything because I feel like people will judge me, and I might cause trouble or do something. Im scared like a chump.. I've gone out before, alone. I can't do it though because I end up doing nothing, going home and feeling worse than I did before. I feel I will be alone my entire life..... blah.

I dont think theres any easy answer or we wouldnt be stuck in this shit heap of a mess called anxiety ect And of course no matter what name you give a problem... everyones issues are different,for some people they just need meds and can need a normal life.Where some people need extensive therapy just to prevent things from hitting rock bottom and never really get better

But i really dont think its ever hopeless... and its such a cliche... but it really is all about baby steps.I feel pretty hopeless at the moment because ive had my problems for so long.But deep down i know im partly to blame cos im so stubborn and im afraid to change... im afraid to put myself out there.But then i think can i really live like this for the rest of my life and that gives me the motivation to try and find a way out of this rut.I dont think its impossible to unlearn our negative beliefs and like social set backs no matter how long weve been stuck with them.We just need to find the way which is right for us.You know for me...My dad was very physicaly intimidating...And i have such a inferiorority complex because of it..so i know if can drag my ass to the gym again ill feel better about myself as silly as that sounds.It wont cure me but its one peice to the puzzle.

You need to find out maybe what drives your irrational fears and stuff...and from your post your so negative about yourself,I think you need to give yourself some credit because your probaly actualy a nice person but if you cant believe it yourself... and believe your hopeless and stuff it really makes getting better harder.Sorry if ive kinda babbled alot and not really given you much good advice.. I can just relate to how you feel with saying about going crazy being lonley but being too scared to do anything about it.It might take some time but im sure you will find people who like you for who you are and even someone special maybe... and then things do get easier.But you have to give yourself a chance aswell.

 

[Vanialo28]

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[kuze]

I feel a lot of the feelings you have there, I havent had a friend in years, Ive been stuck in my room for as much time. I feel rather hopeless not just because of my mental problems but also my physical differences. My mental problems are a product of those phyical differences and I worry that even if they drug me up til I'm completely high, this wont stop people from staring and alienating me. You mention things like love, its hard to picture yourself with a gf when you are so different, that really feeds me self hate and low self esteem. My loneliness these days is so bad, I guess because in recent years I always thought things would get better no matter what and by the time I get this old, life would have straightened out for me. I am in that place where I hoped things would be different and it still is fucked up, now I feel weak and scared. I havent seen a doctor yet either but I guess its worth a try, anything is better than this. I think that type of skepticism comes from so much time alone with your mind. Even though I dont have the same outlook for myself, I truly hope that things could get better for you.