I envy others that they have better (generally) than me!

[Marvolo]

Hello,

I've recently found out all the reasons of the fact I can make new relationships so difficult. As I've written on the Avoidant Personality forum, it's pretty hard for me to do it even in the net (anywhere). :roll:

Following are my 3 general reasons for such an attitude:

- I simply have no topics to discuss with people; everything thought by others as interesting bores me;
- I think I am personally pretty boring as well,
- Finally, I simply envy others that they have a better situation (in every respect!)!

The great majority of the people has better than me, generally. It irritates and stops me from making new contacts, I think.

It's so miserable...

 

[Marvolo]

Yes, I'm filled with the envy...
There are only few spheres in which I am more lucky than the others...
It's so embarrassing!

 

[JamesMorgan]

Marvalo

I have a few suggestions you may find helpful.

"- I simply have no topics to discuss with people; everything thought by others as interesting bores me
- I think I am personally pretty boring as well,
- Finally, I simply envy others that they have a better situation (in every respect!)!"

This is so common, even in people who don't have SA. Because we think in different ways, we punish ourselves for not being like everyone else or having anything to say. The answer to this is observation and connection.

When you become a natural observer, you see funny things in all people, in ordinary situations there is humour there is madness, you see life and stories all around you.

How we learn to connect with others is based largely on our perceptions/observations of our world. We will share our observations of our world and they will share theirs. They will relate or connect to how we see/experience things. What takes people out of their own mundane world and makes a person appear interesting is that persons ability to take us into another world, either their world or an imaginary world. Good story tellers have this ability to take you out of the mundane.

Generally everyone wants to be somewhere else, they want to be having fun, they want freedom from their current situation or anxiety, so this is a very real connection everyone can make with others but no one usually likes talking about it or about making fun about it.

My suggestion would be take all the simple things you see in life as an observation and see how strange/beautiful/humourous and wonderful they can be. You will realise you have so much to say that everyone else experiences.

Social interaction involves making that connection with others by using your own observations of your world. There is no need to be envious of others, they all want to be 'out of their minds'. They are all seeking escape from their world, their problems, so they want to have fun, they want interesting conversations which take them out of the mundane.

How you help them do this is by being master observer of your own world. When you become a master observer you realise that everything and everyone is interesting, like a game, your curiosity for life and knowing what its all about will make you see things differently. If you dont challenge yourself, you will get bored and if you focus on certain things of others you will get bored. How about focusing on how people exist?

James

 

[Marvolo]

Well, James, your words are worth considering. I must try it. :idea:
But it doesn't change the fact that the others' situation is visibly and surely better than mine. :roll:
Cheers!

 

[JamesMorgan]

Marvallo,

That depends entirely upon your mind.

A rich man who appears to have the world in his hands, smart beautiful girlfriend, big house, lots of money, good job etc may actually be massively unhappy yet a simple poor person without anything at all can actually be better off. I know it's a cliche but inner wealth is far more important and far more valuable.

Your view creates your world. The view that states their situation is better than mine may be the case, however, what good will come from your envious mind? No good.

Alternatively, you can choose to change this view to benefit yourself so that you gain inner wealth and contentment. People's situation's are not fixed, they may be experiencing good conditions but they will eventually suffer the loss of these good times. If you use your wisdom to view these situations you can gain a more realistic view of your reality and of the real situation others are actually experiencing.

James

 

[IBM]

I voted that i'm better...

If we look at lot of people (half world) of third world then i'm better. There's so much bad things like wars, hunger, poverty, etc... that my problems are minor details....

 

[Marvolo]

Well, it could be viewed so, actually.
Hm, maybe my thought processes are a bit changed, but there are some additional problems at me (which are not worth mentioning here) which give me a right to think so. Of course, there are more severe diseases or problems on this planet, but it can be always viewed inversely... :roll:
Cheers!

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Marvolo,

(-is that short for "Marvelous"?)

In any case, I can tell you that I have felt and still do feel like you do. I have different moods like everyone, of course. And I'm sure that you don't always feel this way.

What I can tell you that is helpful is that until I found Mindfulness I had a much lower self-esteem. So I think that finding the right approach makes all the difference and more. For me this is Buddhist Mindfulness, that to me is lacking in judgement or enables me to get unstuck from judgemental thinking about my self and everyone.

So, I would say that how you feel has a good deal to do with what approach you are currently taking; and that the right approach (whatever this may be) already changes how you feel. -at least this is my impression, I'm not totally sure.

Maybe also allowing yourself to become absorbed in activities that you are very interested in or good at, will also have the effect of opening-up your world and emphasising all the latent positivity within that seems to have disappeared from your life at this time. That's why I like imaginative and creative kinds of things because a person makes-up their own rules and the world suits them more. ...this can help, I think, when one feels like a 'square peg in a round hole'. (When I see children playing their imaginary games, or I have played with them, I get reminded of this feeling of creating the world "in your own image"; and it is a liberating feeling and I think that it brings back enthusiasm and sense of possibility) So, maybe doing some activity that has a creative aspect to it is a good idea -you could read a book that you love, and escape to a different world.

This may sound like something trivial, yet things like this do have a considerable effect on how a person feels. ...I think what they do is 'change reality' enough or loosen-it-up enough for us to fit in. Because whether a person is 'a winner' or 'a loser' is arbitrary -it depends just as much upon how the environment suits the person, as it does vice versa. So why not 'change the environment' to suit yourself for a moment by doing something creative. Then I think we remind ourselves again of the positive side that goes with our negative one.

 

[Marvolo]

Hi Marvolo,

(-is that short for "Marvelous"?)

(...)

Hi,

Well, it's a name of some character from the Harry Potter books; maybe it's actually short for "marvelous" - I didn't think this way - but it's a question rather to the book's author... :wink:

Thanks for such a long post and advices. Maybe it's worth thinking of. :idea:

Cheers!

 

[Some_guy]

When you say

- I simply have no topics to discuss with people; everything thought by others as interesting bores me;

It sounds like you think you have to be super interesting all the time. You don't.. When you're in a good conversation it just flows naturally and you don't have to have something interesting to talk about.

Always remember that it needs two people to make a conversation. If there are silences and you blame yourself, you might as well blame the other person too

 

[Kinetik]

It's hard for me to mesh well with other people based on interests. Most people seem to have a political affilation, or they're intrigued by some news item that they heard about, or else they feel strongly about certain points of contention and want to debate it or somehow impress their viewpoint on others. Me? I just don't give a damn. I spend all my time either trying to relax or else I'm wrapped up in some form of escapism. It's as if I can't worry about worldly issues or anything outside the box because I'm constantly trying to sort out what's inside it. I do envy people for having such a clear state of mind that they can be concerned with what's going on around them. My SP makes me so self-absorbed that I just can't do that. It's hard to be interested in saving the whales or the rainforest or whatever when I can't even buy a pack of gum without getting panicky.

 

[Marvolo]

(...) My SP makes me so self-absorbed that I just can't do that. It's hard to be interested in saving the whales or the rainforest or whatever when I can't even buy a pack of gum without getting panicky.

Hm, well said... :lol: :?