I dont know...just read or dont..whatever

Tris

Well-known member
Tell me why every time i try to do something i chicken out....its like i make plans and then the time comes and its like nope, not doing it!
Im tired, I have a headache, i have to clean, i have to do this i have to do that, i dont feel good, i have to work in the morning...i swear i could never run out of excuses...but thats getting so old! I act like im so busy all the time when im really home in my room with the door locked on this damn computer, watching TV or letting all my thoughts take over about how i cant do anything even tho i want to soo soo sooo bad! SA is evil! its breaking me down! everytime im w/anyone, all i wanna do is run in a dark corner and hide, and what really bothers me is that im 20 im supposed to be having fun, i should be in school, i should be in a relationship, i should have all these friends, my cell phone should be ringing off the hook, but it barley rings at all, because im being forgotten, all my friends know i wont go out so they dont bother to call me, not even to ask how im doing...i dont wanna think anymore...i want a switch that can turn it all off...is anyone else affraid of change...any change at all...no matter how small it is? because it may bring attention to you? people will point it out and put you on the spot...like a hair cut...i mean small things?
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Tris,

You sound so frustrated and angry....and it is so upsetting when you are alone. Are you seeing a therapist? I've been seeing one since I was very young, in my adolescence.

I remember times in college when I would feel so alone. I longed and hated the weekends. I like the weekends because I did not have to face any of the other students in my class. I hated the weekends because I was alone. Usually, I would spend my time watching TV or putting myself down for some stupid thing in the past week (i.e., not talking to my classmates or talking to my classmates and making myself look like an idiot). Either way, it was very painful. I felt no one ever felt this way and that I was an social-abomination. I felt cursed. I bought an answering machine that was never used (who would call me?). Yuck. That was painful.
 

Tris

Well-known member
I am angry, its just that i want to be me so bad and im being held back....held back by something i cant see, something i cant seem to confront. im not giving up...its just hard, and i know you know that.

No im not seeing anyone for this as of now, i keep avoiding it, i really dont think i would be able to open up to someone i dont know and expect them to understand and help me. In my head i think i could do this myself and i dont need anyones help, but thats not true, i need alot of help, im just in denial, if i didnt need help i wouldnt be here talking about this.

its just really fustrating! I just want to be myself, and i cant seem to do that, not infront of anyone i havnt known for 11 years atleast.

i dont even know what to say anymore, i know what i need to do, and if i dont do it soon then its my fault. it just feels like no matter what i do it wont ever get better, i feel like im going to be like this forever, and as i get older it gets worse...


your awesome! thank you.. :)
 

Orlando

Well-known member
Tris,

In my 20's, I felt totally alone. I hated my family because they didn't understand me. They just thought I was lazy (I didn't go out much or talk to people). I was hated/avoided by many people for either not talking to them or making them feel uncomfortable when I did (e.g., I would be very tense...my eye would bug out...I would say the most stupidest things.) For a while, my therapist was the only person I could talk to. He was the only person that listened to me for a long while. I said to him one day that "...he was my only contact to the outside world." Everyone else were just acquaintances....people I would just pass by on the street....He was different. He knew me and cared about my well-being.

I suggest that look for a therapist that uses Cognitive/Behavioral or Rational Emotive Therapy. From my experience, they are the types of therapies that work. Most of all though, however, make sure that you feel comfortable with the therapist. You won't get much out of therapy if you're too uncomfortable to share your feelings.

Good Luck :wink:
 

Tris

Well-known member
well since its the weekend i cant call anyone Till Monday, but i will try to talk to my mom about it again, i told her that i needed to go see someone the other day and she told me she would help me even tho she doesnt think i need to...but atleast she is willing to help. I'll let you know how i feel about it when that time comes...my friend gets therapy from her house, im going to look into that.
 

Leesa35

Member
Tris,

I know how you feel. I have lived with SA for 20 years now and it makes me so mad that I can't control it, can't do anything about it.

I mean I am 35, married only by the will of God and the persistence of my hubby and I have a 12 year old daughter. I should not be like this. I should be doing things with my family instead of being a recluse, afraid of the world. I should be a normal wife and mother, but I am not normal and it seems I never will be.

I know what you mean by making all kinds of excuses to keep from doing something because I make excuses all the time myself. I have to do this or I have to do that or I just can't today, always something and always ready with an excuse of some kind. I really only have 2 friends, and they are not very close friends because I can't get close to anyone besides my hubby and daughter. Anyway, one of these friends is having a birthday party for her daughter today and I was asked a few days ago to bring my daughter. I told her I was not sure if I could, so all day today she has been trying to get ahold of me and all day I have been avoiding her. I feel bad about this, but I can't help it. I mean I have no excuse not to go that I can tell her, and I have already exhausted all my excuses, so I just chose to avoid her instead.

About change, yes, I am terrified of the least little change. I have worn the same long boring hairstyle since high school because if I change my hairstyle, someone may notice and stare or say something. I wear the most boring clothes I can so as not to draw any attention to myself and I always walk with my head down, eyes to the ground so I will not have to look at or smile at anyone.

Around the holidays, and I am a scrooge I guess because I don't like the holidays, when we have to go to my hubby's family gatherings, I find a small little corner and that is where I stay hoping and praying that I won't have to say much to anyone. I will finally plead a headache or something so we can go home.

Just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way you do and it suprised me a little when I read your post because it sounded so much like myself!

Leesa
 

Tris

Well-known member
Leesa,

I know what you mean by reading posts and its like OMG i do that to, its funny how alot of us do the same things.

I also hate the Holidays, I usually work so i dont have to deal w/them.

Have you ever seen anyone for this, or are you avoiding it as much as i am?

Im Afraid that im going to be like this forever and i wont ever be able to enjoy life the way other people do, I try to be as happy as possible, but sometimes it impossible, i just try to keep my chin up.

:)
 

Leesa35

Member
Tris,

It is great that you are so positive and try to keep your chin up and I hope that you will always keep your positive attitude!

No, I am not seeing anyone about this SA, I have kept it to myself for 20 years and the only people I have told is my hubby and daughter. Actually, my hubby, daughter and I were sitting and watching tv one evening and something came up about SA and was telling some of the symptoms and my daughter looked over at me and says, Mom, that sounds like you, maybe you have that! Since then, I have done some research and I am positively sure that I have it.

I was going to mention it to my doc on my last appointment which was Wednesday. I was so determined to tell her, but when she came into the room, I lost all my nerve. I had plenty of opportunities to tell her because she kept asking me if I was having any problems she could help me with and I kept saying no, I'm fine. I just wanted to get out of there asap!

I hope that you can tell your doctor about this, you really should because as I have gotten older, this condition has gotten much worse.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Leesa
 

Tris

Well-known member
I'll def let you know what happens, but i also think you need to tell your doc. no if ands or buts =)...maybe you should try to tell her/him over the phone, this way the worst part is over and you have no choice but to do something about it...even tho its hard to even make a phone call...its a little easier. do it for your daughter! 20 years is a long time, dont wait anymore....serioulsy. get your life back!

When i was about 16 i told my pedi. doc about it, or as much as i could, it was the hardest thing to do, she ref.me to a couple people and i never went, but then i didnt know it was a big thing, i just thought i was over reacting about everything and i would be okay, but like you, as i got older it got worse....and its only get worse, its gonna come to the point of never leaving my house.

scary part about everything is i might be working from my house soon instead of out of an office...if that happens i know it going to get worse...so i need to do somethig before then...i dont wanna be like this anymore, no one does.
 

Anonymous

Well-known member
hi there, thank godddd i found your message, because i feel exactly the same. Thing is, i tend to over-analyze things, and i do so with every part of my life. So i have come up with a couple of explanations for myself, that make it a bit easier to understand myself ... cos i believe if you understand, then you can deal with it ... well, eventually ...
so, i have a very dominant mother, someone who would put herself and HER needs first before mine, so i learned to "sit back and WAIT" (sound familiar?) until i could maybe, just maybe get my needs met, sometime. When i did get that outing i was longing for, for example when i could spend time with my dad (my parents were divorced when i was 3) it was a big thing, and exciting too, and i'd be really good so that it wouldn't be taken away again too quickly. i couldn't really enjoy it because there was a time-limit to it every time, so i would be anxious from an early age on. That's what i learnt. It's my coping mechanism, which unfortuntatley doesn't serve me anymore. so I need to unlearn it ... easier said than done huh?! So i still sit and wait, for PERMISSION to do things. Thing is: now i'm grown up, i don't need to ask permission. My mom doesn't feature in my decision making processes anymore. But in my psyche she still is there. Can't blame her, though, can i? IT's easy to blame, but that's the lazy way out. It's tough, but once you get your head around it, you can make a start at changing it. I have crying fits at times, when i need to make a decision to either visit a friend or not ... it's hectic and it sux, but i guess it's part of the growing process for me, so ... i'll try my best, and hopefully it'll get easier with time. !
 
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