I can't trust people

I'm 27 y o now. I’ve been bullied when I was in Elementary School, about age 8-10. I was a smart kid. I always got 1st rank in entire school. Since my house is the farthest among other kids’s house, I seldom play with them after school. Especially because my mother didn’t allowed me to.

At the 3rd grade, my friends started thinking I was arrogant. They thought I didn’t want to play with them because I thought I was smarter than them. And then the bullied began. There was a girl who hated me since we were at kindergarten (yeah, even a kindergarten kid can bully). She often pinched my skin until it’s bleeding. Well, at the 3rd grade we were in the same class again. She started to pinched me again, and when I returned the pinch, she said to the other kid to not play with me because I was bad and arrogant. At first, it’s only the girls. And then the boys. No one wanted to play with me. Some because they thought I was really bad, some because they were afraid to get bullied too. At that time, I didn’t really understand the situation. When the kids didn’t want to play with me, I played by myself. When they get ‘allowed’ by her to play with me, I felt so happy.

The 4th grade. Different kids, different kind of bully. The girls called me names. Pig, fat, ugly, giant,monster (I was the tallest kid in my class). One of the boys hated me because he can’t passed my rank. And then he and his friends started a rumor that I got my rank because my parents bribed the teachers. I began to understand that the other kids didn’t play with me because they hated me. I often cried as soon as I came home. My parents heard about it and came to school to protest the teacher. The rumor stopped, but the names still stuck with me.

At the 5th grade, I’ve got the same class with the girl at the 3rd grade again, plus with another bully from the 4th grade (what a wonderful classmates). The pattern repeated, they told other kids to not play with me, or they won’t play with them too. They mocked me, laughed at me, told me I was a coward because I didn’t dare to come close to them (how can I when there were a lot of them when I was only alone). Sometimes they studied with me, but when I got bigger score, they said I was cheated. It’s not better at home, because my mother grew annoyed by my constant crying after school. She told me I was a coward. She told me I supposed to avenge them. Everyday was hell.

When I was at the 6th grade, everything suddenly changed drastically. At the beginning of the semester, there was a new kid from abroad. She moved near to my house. Since there’s difference of the school subject, she asked me to teach her. I came to her house everyday and we became bestfriend. Since every kid wanted to be her friends, they suddenly wanted to be my friend too. As naive as I was, I forgave all of them and happy to be their friend (I think maybe it was because I was desperately wanted more friends).

There was no bully after that. And I become friend with them until now. They’ve changed (or so I think). I never recall the memory of the bully times. But apparently I just realized, that moments made my personality. From the outside I’m nice and happy to talk with people. But I always put a barrier with them. I never opened myself even to closest friends. I solved my problems alone. It was like I talk with them from the open window. I can face them, but I still feel save inside the house.

Now I have a boyfriend for 2 years. He was the only person I trusted so much. I told him about the bully. I told him about my family issues. I could talk to him about something I never talked to other people. But last night, everything has changed. A few days ago my 5 y o niece told me about her group at school. From what I heard, she bullied her friend without her realizing it. I told my sister about that and asked her to take it seriously. And then just yesterday morning, at my workplace, I heard about a kid getting bully at her school. She scared to go to school. And then all the anxiety come. I feel insecure. I think about the future. What if my kids get bullied and I can tell them what to do? What right I have to talk to them when I personally couldn’t stand against the bully?
Then I called my boyfriend. I told him about that. But his responses are only the matter of facts. He told me points that made me feel more powerless than I already felt. And then I told him about what my anxiety really was. I told him actually I am the one who scared. I’m scared because all the memories and the feelings of being bullied suddenly came. It took a bit longer just to told him that because it’s hard for me to acknowledged that it’s still affect me. It’s hard for me to admitted that I’m scared. I felt ashamed of myself, because I felt like I failed to move on.

But, he said “I waited too long just for that?” he even said that he was sleepy. I felt shocked. For every responses I can think of, I didn’t expected this one. What he thought of “just”, actually was a BIG thing for me. I thought he could understand me. But it appeared as no one can really understand, even after I said my feelings out loud. He apologized, and I told him I will forgive him even though it needs time. But I know now I can’t trust him anymore. Or to be exact, I can’t trust anyone to say my feelings to.