jnnnncnnn1232
Member
I'm sorry for previous threads I posted, in which I either ranted a whole lot about nothing, didn't elaborate on anything, or went off on a responding post for no good reason. I feel terrible about it. I've been going through a lot in the past few days. I did not commit suicide like I stated I was going to earlier. My fiancee and I did not break up (although I don't know what I'm going to do about this situation). I feel ****ty for my own obvious reasons and ****tier that I've done nothing but complain on these threads and not contribute in anyway. Again, I apologize. I'm interested to hear from some of you about how you are doing. I made an account on this website because I feel like the older I get, the more I dislike my fellow man. I do feel like I am a misanthropist sometimes, and often I will do whatever I can to assure that I don't have to interact with other people. I do feel like most people are against me and/or hate me. Even right now, as I type this, I'm scanning across the lobby I'm in, observing people and any potential "plot" they might have to harm me or what have you.
Some background information: I was born in Georgia and raised in Ohio. I have two younger brothers who are actually fully-related to my father. My mother was raped shortly after my parents married and she became impregnated. She decided to keep me, so that is the story of how I was born. I never met my father, and my mother never knew him either. This doesn't bother me much though (other than the fact that my mother was raped, I feel terrible about that). I see my dad as my actual dad, since he raised me from birth, although I feel that he doesn't see me as his actual son half the time. My dad had two children with my mother, my two younger brothers. He never beat them, and didn't punish them much. I was the only one that was abused and I was grounded constantly from ages 5-12. I grew up often afraid to come home from school. When I wasn't grounded I would spend as much time over my friend's house, to avoid going home. I was scared of my father as a child. I was not only worried about him physically abusing me, I was so worried about how he thought of me, and if he loved me or not. My dad had a serious alcohol problem for the first half of my life. Since then, he has recovered, and I forgive him for everything he has done. In the seventh grade, I learned to play piano and guitar, and music became my passion. Later that school year, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was institutionalized twice in my junior year of high school. By this time, music was my passion, and the only thing that mattered, and I couldn't even listen to a snippet of a song in the psych ward for over a month. It was torture.
My sophomore year of high school, my best friend Matt died of a heroin overdose. Unable to cope with this, a few weeks later I turned to drugs myself. I started shooting Dilaudid and taking Vicodin regularly. I also started dealing cocaine and marijuana to help support my habit. To this day, I still relapse from time to time (I actually did earlier today). Luckily, I'm not on probation or anything. That would complicate this quite a lot.
About a year ago I met my fiancee. She is so different than any other girl I've met or dated. I feel like she is closer than anyone to understanding me in any way. I feel as if attempt at communication with her is not a waste of words or time or energy, and most of the time I am with her, I am very happy, which is something I've never gotten from anyone. Ever.
So yeah that is some background, sorry for writing so much. I'm excited to post on this forum and hear from all of you.
Some background information: I was born in Georgia and raised in Ohio. I have two younger brothers who are actually fully-related to my father. My mother was raped shortly after my parents married and she became impregnated. She decided to keep me, so that is the story of how I was born. I never met my father, and my mother never knew him either. This doesn't bother me much though (other than the fact that my mother was raped, I feel terrible about that). I see my dad as my actual dad, since he raised me from birth, although I feel that he doesn't see me as his actual son half the time. My dad had two children with my mother, my two younger brothers. He never beat them, and didn't punish them much. I was the only one that was abused and I was grounded constantly from ages 5-12. I grew up often afraid to come home from school. When I wasn't grounded I would spend as much time over my friend's house, to avoid going home. I was scared of my father as a child. I was not only worried about him physically abusing me, I was so worried about how he thought of me, and if he loved me or not. My dad had a serious alcohol problem for the first half of my life. Since then, he has recovered, and I forgive him for everything he has done. In the seventh grade, I learned to play piano and guitar, and music became my passion. Later that school year, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was institutionalized twice in my junior year of high school. By this time, music was my passion, and the only thing that mattered, and I couldn't even listen to a snippet of a song in the psych ward for over a month. It was torture.
My sophomore year of high school, my best friend Matt died of a heroin overdose. Unable to cope with this, a few weeks later I turned to drugs myself. I started shooting Dilaudid and taking Vicodin regularly. I also started dealing cocaine and marijuana to help support my habit. To this day, I still relapse from time to time (I actually did earlier today). Luckily, I'm not on probation or anything. That would complicate this quite a lot.
About a year ago I met my fiancee. She is so different than any other girl I've met or dated. I feel like she is closer than anyone to understanding me in any way. I feel as if attempt at communication with her is not a waste of words or time or energy, and most of the time I am with her, I am very happy, which is something I've never gotten from anyone. Ever.
So yeah that is some background, sorry for writing so much. I'm excited to post on this forum and hear from all of you.
