charlieHungerford
Well-known member
I was at work today kind of bored and I was just thinking a lot about SA and I am so excited about what I thought of - not only understanding SA more but the solution in overcoming SA too. I just couldn't wait to share my thoughts and hear what people think. I will try and make this as brief as possible and to the point.
When we are faced with situations or people in which we get anxious
about/around, we basically catastorophise the situation - we have the
most negative beliefs about the situation possible - i.e. we believe the
only outcomes are negative and that people in this situation will only judge us one way - hugely negative, we are afraid of the situation because we feel scared its a situation for people to see how crap we are, that people will just see any flaws in us, we can only be judged negatively no matter what, we also fear the anxiety we feel and how that will make us look even worse if we are visibly struggling to cope, hence why we feel so uncomfortable about the situation and so determined to avoid it.
When you think so negatively about all aspects of the situation, believing people will judge you extremely negatively, people will notice purely any flaws in you and knowing people will see your anxiety and you think the worst of that too, then all of your focus is on your negatives, this drains all your confidence, belief in yourself, belief that you can cope and you are left just anxious, self conscious and scared of the situation, doubting your ability to even cope.
I think hidden here is the big cause of SA - we go into these
situations with the totally wrong approach and attitude - which we cannot help because we have deep rooted negative beliefs, but beliefs that can be changed if we work on them and understand the reality.
What is this wrong approach and attitude? Basically, we go into all of these situations or around people we are anxious about with fixed beliefs that the only outcome is hugely negative, that these situations is just an opportunity for us to put ourselves in the spotlight for people to slaughter us, to think the most hurtful things we can imagine of us.
Surely there is something very seriously wrong that we believe all these extreme negatives.
What if we actually looked at these situations as situations where its an
opportunity to impress and show how cool we are, how nice a person we
are, a chance to impress people and for people to like us and think we
are great, etc.
We only think these negative thoughts about situations because of deep
rooted negative thinking patterns that have lost all track of reality.
They are unfair, exaggerated, biased and irrational. We go into these situations thinking the extreme worst can happen and so often we think after situations 'Well that was nowhere near as bad as I thought' and how come no one else we see fear these situations and are always confident and calm? Its because others go into situations with a clear and open mind, whereas we go into situations we are anxious about with complete belief that its going to be a catastrophe. We see people in situations we fear every day and nothing bad happens, even if they mess up or if they have flaws, nothing bad happens to them.
We don't know what people are thinking, we believe its negative because
of catastrophising, we have just developed this way of thinking, but it is just totally wrong.
If we changed the way we saw these situations we currently fear as being a chance for people to see all our good qualities (instead of our bad) and that people can judge us as good as humanly possible (just as we currently believe the total opposite) then you are going to relish the situation and be thinking this could be excellent, the person or people we interact with will see what a great person we are. I mean just remember the only people you or I probably judge negatively are rude people, mean people, or people who really look a sight (people who take no care in their appearance). There is no reason for us to think people will think bad of us. We are unique people, we all have good qualities and maybe not so good qualities, but why then focus on the bad? I mean who knows what
people are thinking, everyone likes different things, things like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, people like different personalities, its just totally unfair to treat ourselves like this (believing people can only see us in a negative way) when we treat everyone else in such a nice positive way, accepting everyone no matter what. We should be kindest and look after ourselves more than some anyone else. We wouldn't judge others as being not good enough, so why are we doing it on ourselves?
If you were to have the mindset that situations are chances to show people all your great qualities and to be judged positively, then
you focus and think about your qualities and positives and that gives
you confidence, you will not feel self conscious, you are not thinking
negative.
Why are we thinking of these situations in the most negative way? Well its deep rooted now, developed from negative past beliefs and negative thinking patterns. But it doesn't have to be like that. It is not fair and true.
Can we ever be confident in these situations we fear when we think of
these situations in the most negative way possible, believing there is
only one outcome for us - that we will be judged incredibly negative
and we will fail? The answer is quite simply no. We need to be confident
and calm in these situations, no self consciousness, no worries - which
means we need to feel good in these situations, hence thinking
positive.
I am going to spend some time thinking about how I can change the way I
look at these situations, with the aim of changing thinking so negative and
defeatist about a situation, to thinking of a situation as being 'Great,
this is a chance for me to show this person how cool I am'. I mean this
is how confident people think. I remember a woman saying to me if she
sees a guy she likes, she will go bump into him or put herself around
him and show him how nice she is. Yet when I see a woman I like I run a mile, I will think she can only judge me hugely negatively, I think she will only see negatives in me and I feel so self conscious and anxious because of it. Going into situations feeling defeatist like that means you simply can never succeed of perform. Go into them thinking wow this is a chance for me to show them how good I am.
Now I know we all have positives, I can see so many people here who are so friendly, thoughtful, intelligent, write well, sensitive, want to have fun happy times, etc. I mean here alone are lots of really great qualities. I bet people here look fine and decent too, maybe some of us are self conscious over slight flaws, but who doesn't have flaws. I have worked hard at desensitising my own perceived flaws and that has reduced self consciousness.
Why are you and why am I thinking people will only see negatives in our
feared situations? I mean its just so wrong. If we were criminals who
don't give a toss about anyone, we were rude, we are a slob who takes no care in our appearance, etc - then fair enough to have such beliefs. But we are good people, we need to put things right, things need to be put into perspective and into reality.
Because all of us here have positives and good qualities, just like everyone else out there, and its just ridiculous that whilst others in life with positive and negatives focus on their positives and that they will be liked, we too who have positives and negatives but just focus on negatives, extreme negatives. Its got to change. If we can change our mindset into thinking and believing that any situation especially including feared situations are a chance for people to see our positives and what a great person we are (instead of our negatives and how crap we are) and believe people can see these positives and are judging us on these positives, then we will overcome SA.
When we are faced with situations or people in which we get anxious
about/around, we basically catastorophise the situation - we have the
most negative beliefs about the situation possible - i.e. we believe the
only outcomes are negative and that people in this situation will only judge us one way - hugely negative, we are afraid of the situation because we feel scared its a situation for people to see how crap we are, that people will just see any flaws in us, we can only be judged negatively no matter what, we also fear the anxiety we feel and how that will make us look even worse if we are visibly struggling to cope, hence why we feel so uncomfortable about the situation and so determined to avoid it.
When you think so negatively about all aspects of the situation, believing people will judge you extremely negatively, people will notice purely any flaws in you and knowing people will see your anxiety and you think the worst of that too, then all of your focus is on your negatives, this drains all your confidence, belief in yourself, belief that you can cope and you are left just anxious, self conscious and scared of the situation, doubting your ability to even cope.
I think hidden here is the big cause of SA - we go into these
situations with the totally wrong approach and attitude - which we cannot help because we have deep rooted negative beliefs, but beliefs that can be changed if we work on them and understand the reality.
What is this wrong approach and attitude? Basically, we go into all of these situations or around people we are anxious about with fixed beliefs that the only outcome is hugely negative, that these situations is just an opportunity for us to put ourselves in the spotlight for people to slaughter us, to think the most hurtful things we can imagine of us.
Surely there is something very seriously wrong that we believe all these extreme negatives.
What if we actually looked at these situations as situations where its an
opportunity to impress and show how cool we are, how nice a person we
are, a chance to impress people and for people to like us and think we
are great, etc.
We only think these negative thoughts about situations because of deep
rooted negative thinking patterns that have lost all track of reality.
They are unfair, exaggerated, biased and irrational. We go into these situations thinking the extreme worst can happen and so often we think after situations 'Well that was nowhere near as bad as I thought' and how come no one else we see fear these situations and are always confident and calm? Its because others go into situations with a clear and open mind, whereas we go into situations we are anxious about with complete belief that its going to be a catastrophe. We see people in situations we fear every day and nothing bad happens, even if they mess up or if they have flaws, nothing bad happens to them.
We don't know what people are thinking, we believe its negative because
of catastrophising, we have just developed this way of thinking, but it is just totally wrong.
If we changed the way we saw these situations we currently fear as being a chance for people to see all our good qualities (instead of our bad) and that people can judge us as good as humanly possible (just as we currently believe the total opposite) then you are going to relish the situation and be thinking this could be excellent, the person or people we interact with will see what a great person we are. I mean just remember the only people you or I probably judge negatively are rude people, mean people, or people who really look a sight (people who take no care in their appearance). There is no reason for us to think people will think bad of us. We are unique people, we all have good qualities and maybe not so good qualities, but why then focus on the bad? I mean who knows what
people are thinking, everyone likes different things, things like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, people like different personalities, its just totally unfair to treat ourselves like this (believing people can only see us in a negative way) when we treat everyone else in such a nice positive way, accepting everyone no matter what. We should be kindest and look after ourselves more than some anyone else. We wouldn't judge others as being not good enough, so why are we doing it on ourselves?
If you were to have the mindset that situations are chances to show people all your great qualities and to be judged positively, then
you focus and think about your qualities and positives and that gives
you confidence, you will not feel self conscious, you are not thinking
negative.
Why are we thinking of these situations in the most negative way? Well its deep rooted now, developed from negative past beliefs and negative thinking patterns. But it doesn't have to be like that. It is not fair and true.
Can we ever be confident in these situations we fear when we think of
these situations in the most negative way possible, believing there is
only one outcome for us - that we will be judged incredibly negative
and we will fail? The answer is quite simply no. We need to be confident
and calm in these situations, no self consciousness, no worries - which
means we need to feel good in these situations, hence thinking
positive.
I am going to spend some time thinking about how I can change the way I
look at these situations, with the aim of changing thinking so negative and
defeatist about a situation, to thinking of a situation as being 'Great,
this is a chance for me to show this person how cool I am'. I mean this
is how confident people think. I remember a woman saying to me if she
sees a guy she likes, she will go bump into him or put herself around
him and show him how nice she is. Yet when I see a woman I like I run a mile, I will think she can only judge me hugely negatively, I think she will only see negatives in me and I feel so self conscious and anxious because of it. Going into situations feeling defeatist like that means you simply can never succeed of perform. Go into them thinking wow this is a chance for me to show them how good I am.
Now I know we all have positives, I can see so many people here who are so friendly, thoughtful, intelligent, write well, sensitive, want to have fun happy times, etc. I mean here alone are lots of really great qualities. I bet people here look fine and decent too, maybe some of us are self conscious over slight flaws, but who doesn't have flaws. I have worked hard at desensitising my own perceived flaws and that has reduced self consciousness.
Why are you and why am I thinking people will only see negatives in our
feared situations? I mean its just so wrong. If we were criminals who
don't give a toss about anyone, we were rude, we are a slob who takes no care in our appearance, etc - then fair enough to have such beliefs. But we are good people, we need to put things right, things need to be put into perspective and into reality.
Because all of us here have positives and good qualities, just like everyone else out there, and its just ridiculous that whilst others in life with positive and negatives focus on their positives and that they will be liked, we too who have positives and negatives but just focus on negatives, extreme negatives. Its got to change. If we can change our mindset into thinking and believing that any situation especially including feared situations are a chance for people to see our positives and what a great person we are (instead of our negatives and how crap we are) and believe people can see these positives and are judging us on these positives, then we will overcome SA.
