It all started in high school. I was an A.D.D. kid at a competitive college preparatory school and I was falling behind in my freshman year. I finished with a 1.9 GPA, lowest in my entire class. First semester of sophomore year I was put on academic probation and given a prescription medication you may have heard of: Adderall.
For some reason back then, this drug made me so comfortable, energetic and sociable. I had no problem talking to people whatsoever (I was shy before this drug). The drug made me very, very good at soccer so I took it before practice/games, (Amphetamines are a banned substance in professional sports) but at the time I didn't realize I was "doping" myself. I got alot of confidence from this and eventually got a girlfriend. I credit this drug for giving me a positive high school experience.
Fast forward to my first semester of college: same girlfriend and same friends. First day of classes, I am caught with drugs (Yes, I know, I am retarded) and expelled from the school. My girlfriend dumped me, most of my friends dropped me and everybody who knew me branded me a failure. Since this day, I have had social anxiety.
Exiled. My next 5 months consisted of isolation combined with a crap job that my parents forced me to get. My boss was a megalomaniac and picked up on my lack of confidence and made me very conscious of it. I started taking lots and lots of Adderall to cope. It made me feel good on the inside, but the second I had to interact with people, I had such severe social anxiety that I couldn't even move my mouth to speak.
Fast-forward 2.5 years to almost 22 and a junior in college. I now take Adderall on a daily basis to maintain my 4.0 GPA. During this time, I have not made a single friend or gone to a single social function. Anytime I try to talk to somebody I seize up, and what I meant to say comes out awkward/creepy. It's a terrible life. People tell me to just kick the habit, but it is so tied to my good grades (one of two positive things about my life) that I have no choice.
For some reason back then, this drug made me so comfortable, energetic and sociable. I had no problem talking to people whatsoever (I was shy before this drug). The drug made me very, very good at soccer so I took it before practice/games, (Amphetamines are a banned substance in professional sports) but at the time I didn't realize I was "doping" myself. I got alot of confidence from this and eventually got a girlfriend. I credit this drug for giving me a positive high school experience.
Fast forward to my first semester of college: same girlfriend and same friends. First day of classes, I am caught with drugs (Yes, I know, I am retarded) and expelled from the school. My girlfriend dumped me, most of my friends dropped me and everybody who knew me branded me a failure. Since this day, I have had social anxiety.
Exiled. My next 5 months consisted of isolation combined with a crap job that my parents forced me to get. My boss was a megalomaniac and picked up on my lack of confidence and made me very conscious of it. I started taking lots and lots of Adderall to cope. It made me feel good on the inside, but the second I had to interact with people, I had such severe social anxiety that I couldn't even move my mouth to speak.
Fast-forward 2.5 years to almost 22 and a junior in college. I now take Adderall on a daily basis to maintain my 4.0 GPA. During this time, I have not made a single friend or gone to a single social function. Anytime I try to talk to somebody I seize up, and what I meant to say comes out awkward/creepy. It's a terrible life. People tell me to just kick the habit, but it is so tied to my good grades (one of two positive things about my life) that I have no choice.
