Jack-B said:
Rainman,
We all want to be good communicators whether that be quick witted talkers, or just having confidence in what we are saying, where we dont 'blank out' or have nothing to say.
The most potent thing i find in dealing with these situations is to realise that we are constantly changing. All the time. We are never the same person for another second. This is what we hold onto in these situations. We hold onto an image of ourself which is undefiably concrete which brings on this freeze like affect within our mind. Of course you are now not the person who freaked out and thought everyone knew about it, maybe years ago, but in your mind, this is where you go back to, this is who you are in the present. Its like our self image recreates but remains like this concrete statue of who we think we are yet we are in constant flow. It's subtle indeed.
The blank feeling is a type of sedating feeling within the mind and is related to what was once experienced. Most phobics know this feeling well. It 'pops up' every now and again or sometimes we can talk to people no problem yet we slip into old habits. Because of our past accumulation of what remains in the mind as experience. We need to let it go. Its like we cant listen to others in an active empathetic way because we are trapped in this old person.
The unreality that is felt at these times is because of accumulated negative responses in the mind which activates the nervous system to signal the fear response, a bit like watching a scary movie. So when we talk to someone and we feel like this we generate an irrational response, our perceptions alter greatly and things appear strange.
What i have found that has helped is being like an actor. This doesn't mean that you fake yourself or life. It simply means being flexible in how you see yourself, it lightens things up a bit.
For example, you find yourself on those long silent 'forever' moments, imagine you've gone on vacation, all your problems have gone away. Or when you speak to someone and you get all anxious, you remember that you watching a scary movie and its not as real as it appears. Or you simply imagine that you are invisible and that you are superconfident and no-one else knows except you.
Basically you are whoever you imagine yourself to be, because you are not a fixed entity. You imagine all sorts of negative things about yourself anyway, so its about being flexible with who you believe you are.
Jack
Good sound advice Jack, thank you.
I do agree that there isn't just one fixed personality, in fact there are many egos. I can choose which ego to represent, just as an actor would choose to represent a certain ego through their interpretation of a character. We humans are creatures of habits, past memories and impressions, or Samkaras in Hindu/Buddhist thought, and act out what we have accumulated.
It makes sense that the mind begins to blank, you begin to stutter, the voice quivers and can become hoarse etc, because your mind remembers these responses from past occasions. It has for many of us become an automatic nervous system response.
Even the thought of having a conversation can trigger the response. So we know the problem resides in our nervous system, where certain points or nodes or acting up or in a state of imbalance(overstimulation or understimulation) in Hindu/Buddhist/Taoist thought, these are known as Chakras or Tan Tians.
We can deal with problems in the nervous system with either drugs(prescription or non-prescription) or through thought. The former would create a dependency on the substance and would only offer temporary relief. The latter can create longer-lasting or even permenant effects.
Through thought, we can rewire our brain so to speak, by directly changing our habits. Using techniques you mentioned such as imagining superconfidence and visualization. What this should do in theory is create new habits and behaviours, stimulate the nervous system to create more positive feelings, so that eventually it becomes normalized.
So initially we all need to become good actors. It might actually help us to learn acting or drama. This can be hard, because it can feel like we are betraying who we really are, not being us and it can lead to an identity crisis.
It certainly feels that way with me, when I am putting on the "confident" image. Everything I say and do, just does not seem to be me. When I say "me" I don't mean the egos, I mean that deeper and pure me, the core, indeed the soul - "Neti Neti"
I have seen how this strategy of acting out an ego can lead to confusion of identity and lead people to wearing masks in front of others, indeed, even hiding from themselves and they turn this into a habit.
The "alpha male" image is a good example of one of those "masks" It can mean more success in life, more sex, more social clout and more power. There are many books written aboout how to become the alpha male, the don juan, the player and most of the techniques do work, athough they seem to prescribe unethical attitude changes which call upon our primal instincts and behaviour.
1. You need to see yourself as better than others
2. You need to manipulate people by exploiting their weaknesses
3. You need to act more powerful than others, by being cocky/funny, aggressive and talking louder.
4. You need to hide your sensitivity and emotions
5. You need to aggressively make it to the top of the social hierarchy
This actually does work. I have noted myself how just visualising yourself as bigger and more powerful than others, speaking louder and being more cocky gets you more attention and give you a buzz. But, whenever I've done it, I've felt guilty. It's given me power and vitality, but it's taken away from me my empathy and compassion. I value empathy, love and compassion over them.
So what we need to do is act out an ego that agrees with your soul. For that you need to define your soul, just as an actor would define his character. I define my soul as that pure, perfect, positive core of who I am. It's qualities are wisdom, love, peace, courage, self-power, confidence and unity.
Using that interpretation of my soul, I can act out an ego that is more closer to who I really am and accords with me. I am still superconfident, except not by seeing myself as bigger than others; not by being driven by the desire to dominate and control. I feel no need to be the alphamale.
According to me, this is what you need:
1. You need to see yourself in other and cultivate an attutude of empathy
2. You need to show compassion to others and bring out the good in them
3. You need to act with self-empowerment, take every step with stride and live every moment to it's full and allow your positive energy to energise those that come into contact with you.
4. You need to show sensitivity to the needs, opinions and feelings of others and actually truly listen to them.
5. You need to, moment by moment, culvative yourself, reinvent yourself again and again and actualise your potentials.
This covers the THOUGHT aspect. Now I need to work on the BEHAVIOUR aspect. I now need to ask myself what kind of habits and behaviours would this ego have:
What would he wear? He would wear clothes that he feels happy in, that say something about him, that sum up his energetic personality. He would create his own trends and have his own style.
How would he walk? He would walk slowly, with his own style and rhythm. He would look the world in the eyes and keep a straight posture. He would greet everybody with a smile as he walks. He would be like a sun spreading his positive light everywhere he walks.
How would he talk?
He would talk slowly, with ease and sound out each word at his natural resonant voice. His gestures would be graceful and cool. He would spend as much time as he wants to say something and only say something when there is a need too. He would not engage in idle or wasteful chatter. He would make eye contact when he speaks.
He would be listening, more than talking and he will listen with his undivided attention and empathically to what is being said.
He would not be afraid to express his truth and opinions and would do so with elan.
He would be assertive.
How would he stand?
He would stand erect, his shoulders wide apart, his chest coming out. He would look like he has the poise of a warrior.
How would he flirt?
He would flirt in a playful and effortless manner, and not be afraid to touch his partner or tease her.
What would he do with his everday life?
At work, he would concentrate on doing his work and meeting work objectives.
In his spare time, he would do things that he enjoys and similariy shift all his focus on it.
He would spent little time at home, and spend more time outside. He would get into a sport, go to the gym to keep healthy and always challenge himself with new things. He would be adventurous and an explorer.
What would he do in life?
He would follow his dreams and spend every moment trying to make them come true. He would be goal-seeking.
What would he fear?
He would be fearless and in his mind have conquered the fear of death. He would accept that fear is not really real and he cannot be limited by it.
How would he love?
He would love unconditionally, he would be romantic and suave and a passionate lover. He would understand the needs of his partner and put them first.
How would he enjoy himself?
He would let himself go in whatever he does and draw the juice of every moment. When he eats, he will enjoy it. When he dances, he will lose himself in it. He would not be even slightly self-conscious or worrying about how others are thinking about him.
You can get to know this new you more, by asking more question and getting to know him inside-out. Your interpretation of your soul is going to be different from everybody elses, just as actors interpretation of the same character are different. The more questions you will ask, the better you will get to know it.
The final stage is stepping into that character/ego. This is the hardest stage yet and is definitely eaiser said than done. It is going to take time before you adopt this new ego. It is not easy getting rid of old habits and adopting and then adapting new habits. You will find that when you try to assume this role, you will slip back into your old persona without you even realising.
You will need to learn new skills as well to put this new you into action. Again, just as an actor would. The best of actors do a lot of research and training to get into character.
You will need to combine creative visualization with practice. First, get the basics sorted out; what the new you is going wear, how is he going to walk and stand. You can meditate on this to find out - get relaxed(listen to some soothing and soft music to help you) and then get into a comfortable position or lie down and close your eyes, , and now start to visualise that new you in your minds eye in a familiar location. Make it as vivid and real as possible(bring all your senses into play) and note what he is wearing, how he is walking and how he stands. Follow him around walking through the location and do this for at least 5-10 min. Now, open your eyes and jot down your notes.
Now, go somewhere to practice that same walk and stand. Repeat exactly the same body mannerisms as you did in your visualization. Keep practicing it, till you have exactly replicated it. Now, try and actually practice it in the same location you visualised. You are now turning imagination into reality.
You can do the same for each new habit. When it comes to ones where you're interacting with other people(these are very tricky to visualise) you again need to make them as vivid and real as possible, and also need to mentally scriptwrite what is being said between you. It has to be realistic, otherwise your mind will just reject it.
For example if you are doing a mental visualisation of the new you flirting with a girl at school. Visualise her responses as she would behave usually. It's not her behaviour you are trying to change in your mental visualization, it's yours. Otherwise you're just fantasizing. So if she does not usually rip of your shirt and start kissing you all over in front of everbody, then don't visualise it.
What works best, is to work from an experience that has already happened recently, so you know how the interactions went, then identify your behaviors that needed improvements and what you should have said or done instead and now juxtapose the new you in that same interaction with the improved behaviours and the added charisma.
Now all you need to do is go and practice handling similar situations like that. I think I should take my own advice and try going through those awkard conversations I've had recently, as the new me.
