How the heck to people make friends?

[thequietone]

For about 4 years I didn't understand why people felt such profound desperation to form relationships when it was so much easier TO BE ALONE. Only now, do I realize that that whole time, I put all my energy into convincing myself that I didn't need anyone and it DID NOT HELP ME become a happier person. We are created to be social animals. Why then, is it so hard to establish friends? I remember being very young, four or five, and walking up to another kid and asking, you want to be friends? It's nothing like that now, and that's the only thing I have experience with.
There are people who I try to talk to--it still feels forced, but it's getting easier. However, I would never dream of asking any of these people to "hang out". How awkward! I cannot get myself past that step. They are acquaintances, attached only to work, only to a certain class and I can't envision ever having anything more than that.
You see it plastered all over the media, you see it all around you. People hang out in small comfortable groups, they drink and laugh together. People fall in love. I cannot see this happening for me, but I want it, I really do. Am I being unrealistic? Am I going too fast? I've only come to the conclusion that I was going to try and rejoin the world a few months ago. Anyone in the same stage of life? Have any advice or anything to add? I'd appreciate it

 

[DelGreco]

I'm in a pretty similar situation actually. Over the last several years I've adapted to life without friends out of necessity, but I also tried to justify it by thinking I didn't mind it on my own. Recently, though, my anxiety has been improving just a bit (by SP standards), and it makes me start wondering what it would be like to have friends, like a few close friends. My college years are winding down, and if I'm having such a difficult time connecting to people now, imagine how difficult it's going to be after graduation! I also find myself stuck at the acquaintance stage with people, but I can't imagine really becoming close friends with them. At the same time, and maybe this sounds strange, I don't know what it's really like to have friends or make them. I don't really know what we'd go out and do; it's like this psychological barrier-I'm just used to being by myself. It's been that long.
But I share your frustration. Making friends seems like this arduous social challenge, but everyone else in the world just breezes through it somehow. Even if I manage to join some groups or clubs or something, will I really make friends there? I'm considering going back to therapy soon, and wonder if it'll really have any way to help me. "I, um, want to figure out how to make friends..." It's a really difficult issue to deal with.

 

[PhantomPod]

It feels as though I am in the same boat as you two.

I honestly have always been content in my solitude. It was only every so often that I would long for a friend. An example being if I wanted to go to a movie on a Friday night and I would then realize, 'wow, I have not a single person to do this activity with.'

I've never been desperate for friends, because I've always been so good at being alone, yet at the same time, I have always had a secret yearning for friends. Or at least a couple close friends.

I, also, don't understand the process of making and keeping friends. I, too, find that I'm unable to get past the acquaintance stage. Even if I did want to "hang out" with people, I can't even think up activities that we might do together. It's like I don't even understand how the whole having friends thing works.

I am in my third year of college now, and just now have I met two people that I consider friends. It seems so absurd that it took me 20 years to make friends. However, I can't really explain how this friendship came to be. It just sort of happened by circumstance. I lived in the dorm with one of them last year, we got along well, so we decided to room together this year, and then through her, I met this other kid who is her friend. So now the three of us just always hang out.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

My advise to you guys is to not get caugh up in all the propoganda and hollywood myths that try to tell us what a friend ship should look and feel like.

When people like us see groups of friends in front of us we alwayse romantasize about what it must be like and all sorts of stuff but things arent alwayse what they appear. Those friendships we see are some times just a shallow relationships. People using each other to get some thing out of reach. Then once they get what they want they stab their so called friends in the back.

 

[slapstick]

Sorta

I am blessed to have cool frends and kno I will continue to do so BUT it wasnt always like that. There was a period of about 2 years wen I went overseas to finish my schooling only to come back and most of my friends had moved on. Either in a serious relationship with kids the whole shibang others moved overseas, the remaining few I hadnt seen in 2 years and I had my corse and stuff. so I jus socialized at University with collagues, cousins every now and then for a bout a year and a half. One of my good friends from College popped over one day and we started hanging out. Eventually I met his frends, got close 2 them den dose frends introduced me to alot more new ones and now were all a multi-racial mess :lol: I even caught up wit an old chilhood friend and we stil hangout. NOw I have so many friends I have no shortage of things to do in the weekends.

If u generally lik gud company den gud company will find u, take it from a severe Social Phobia sufferer. I think im going all Dr Phil dats enuf :lol: Good luk

 

[MrSelfDestruct]

I used to be in a similar situation that some of you are in. I used to be a loner and tricked myself into thinking that hanging out at home by myself is what I wanted to do. I hard the hardest time talking to people, let alone trying to make new friends. I was like that from as young as I can remember up until about a year ago (I'm 27 now). I finally just go fed up with being a loner and not being able to talk to people. Everybody I know at my school or at work are all hanging out together after hours and I would just go home to watch TV, play video games, or whatever else I'd do to bypass time.

The best advice I can try to give is just try to take an interest in what other people like. Or maybe try to take notice if they are interested in anything that you may be in to. If you can get enough nerve built up to spark a conversation with somebody at work/school just find something you two may have in common (whether it be sports, music, politics, trying to pick up the opposite sex, or just whatever). For example, there is a guy at work that I noticed that likes the similar music that I do. I noticed a concert was coming to town of one of his favorite bands, I told him about the concert and asked if he wanted to go. We went and had a great time together. Another guy at my school, we both enjoy football, so I asked him if he wanted to go hang out at a local bar that broadcasts every football game on Sundays. We met up there and hung out up there several hours and watched some football. Now I'm actually getting invited out to do things with these people quite often.

That's about the best advice I can give, just try to take an interest in what other people are in to and kind of probe from there with your conversations. Over the past 5 months I've made more friends this way than I have during the past 26 years of my life. I hope this helps some.

 

[Prescious]

Oh my God, I thought I was the only one who suffered this condition.
I am just like you. I am a female who has been single now since 2001.
I have been alone and I stay mostly inside my house because I don't feel accepted by society. Everytime I go outside, I always think that people are judging me or people hate me or that they are looking at me like something is wrong with me, or like they want to hurt me. Now I used to think that it was all in my head that people think that there is something wrong with me was all in my head, but now I know, that it is not. Because I remember a co-worker friend of mine was telling me that one of the teachers did not want me to work with her because she said," something is wrong with that girl, referring to me. So she went and told the principal to have me work in another classroom because she feels something is wrong with me. Back then I was a Teachers Assistant. Today I am a Substitute Teacher because I can't be around the same people twice for fear of people. So everyday I am at a different school and that makes me feel good because I don't have to worry about being around the same people twice. But in anycase, that's how I know that it is not all in my head. People suck man.

In anycase, I don't really have any friends either. I haven't had a visitor come to my house in 7 years. My only company is my dog and 2 cats.
I mostly talk to my male friend on the phone. He calls me all the time but he never has time to come and visit me. I haven't seen him in like 7 years so I don't know if it's that he's afraid of what I might think of how he looks or if the problem is just me and he just doesn't want to see me for whatever reason. Then I have another male friend that I talk all the time to and this one would visit me but I don't want that because I feel that he is very controlling and we argue all the time so I don't make him come and visit me. So basically I have only 2 male phone friends but I do not get any visitor whatsoever and it is becoming very annoying now. I am tired of being alone. I don't want to be alone anymore AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. The only thing that is wrong with me, is people that judges me before they get to know me. And people that judges the rest of you guys here in this forum. Believe me, if it weren't for the people out there that judges us badly, NONE of us would be in this social anxiety predicament that we are in right now.

thequietone if you don't mind me asking you, how old are you.
And you are right, sometimes it does feel forced trying to talk to people or something. Let me ask another question, does anybody know if they have social anxiety dating? Because maybe that is what we need. We need to date someone who is just like us. We need to be around people who has social anxiety themselves. Anybody? Please comment and reply thanks

For about 4 years I didn't understand why people felt such profound desperation to form relationships when it was so much easier TO BE ALONE. Only now, do I realize that that whole time, I put all my energy into convincing myself that I didn't need anyone and it DID NOT HELP ME become a happier person. We are created to be social animals. Why then, is it so hard to establish friends? I remember being very young, four or five, and walking up to another kid and asking, you want to be friends? It's nothing like that now, and that's the only thing I have experience with.
There are people who I try to talk to--it still feels forced, but it's getting easier. However, I would never dream of asking any of these people to "hang out". How awkward! I cannot get myself past that step. They are acquaintances, attached only to work, only to a certain class and I can't envision ever having anything more than that.
You see it plastered all over the media, you see it all around you. People hang out in small comfortable groups, they drink and laugh together. People fall in love. I cannot see this happening for me, but I want it, I really do. Am I being unrealistic? Am I going too fast? I've only come to the conclusion that I was going to try and rejoin the world a few months ago. Anyone in the same stage of life? Have any advice or anything to add? I'd appreciate it

 

[alter_ego]

I usually had maybe one or two friends from about the age of 8 (too painfully shy before that to speak much) but I got picked on a little bit at school because I was so shy and quiet so my friends tended to be from round where I lived because I felt more relaxed on home ground. We moved house (and because of that I changed schools) a few times too, which didn't help me get to know people much!

About age 11 I became really good friends with a girl in my street who also went to the same school and through her got to know a few others but I was always quite shy with them. Then a couple of years later we got to the clothes/make-up stage and tho I was naturally interested in boys I was too self-conscious to draw attention to myself and felt like my whole class (it was an all girls school) was growing up before me, they all seemed so sophisiticated.

We moved house yet again when I was 16, still living at home :roll: and I lost touch with my good friend, last I heard she'd got engaged.

I changed jobs a lot and avoided social invites because of my over-anxiety but FINALLY I've been in my last job a few years - and FINALLY I have three friends from work. The downside tho is they are all already in relationships (one married, one engaged, the other in a serious relationship) so I've kind of bypassed the when you can out with friends and you're all at the dating stage together. (Now my anxiety makes me worry people might think I'm gay because I've never been in a relationship!!! Nobody seems to think I am but being socially phobic I still have to worry about it!!! :roll: I go out with my friends sometimes but it's usually just to the pub or a movie. But, hey, that's huge progress considering how I used to dodge every social occasion when I was a teenager.

I think the getting to know people as friends takes time. It just starts as chatting with someone about work or school gradually, then more and more as you get a bit more comfortable with each other. And self esteem has a lot to do with it too. I used to think, when I was much younger, that people wouldn't like to think I was describing them as a "friend"! :roll: Not nowadays tho, I have a bit more self confidence than I used to.

I AM still flattered tho that people like me enough to call me a friend! I still have low-ish self esteem and low-ish self confidence but nowhere near as much as when I was a kid. I just wish much more had been done to build up my confidence and sort out my anxiety back then.

 

[of_darkness]

how the heck do people gain back friends? that's my quesiton...

but on the topic of making them, you just have to work hard. I like to think of it as a hobby or job... like playing a musical instrument which starts out as frustrating and boring, (like right now, I really can't be bothered to talk to anyone i don't know well, it's easier not trying hard..) but in the end it's incredibly rewarding.

Ok, maybe that sounds stupid, but you really have to work for it. You can't expect people to tell you how to make friends and for that to work miraculously. Put all of the effort you can into making friends. If you don't, which it what I expect all of us are doing despite our ideas of 'trying hard', you'll get no result. People will think you're the boring person you are.

Which you are!! I"m the boring person people see most of the time, no matter how great I think i really am inside. That doesn't count for anything in the world, so you have to just try and try, go insane.

If you're attempts aren't working then you're not trying to break out, and you need to seriously ask yourself,

"Uh why did I want to make these 'friends' anyway?......"

 

[thequietone]

Thank you so much for your replies, I feel a lot better knowing I am not alone....
As a response to someone's question, I am 20 years old, a girl, studying art.
I have never been in a romantic relationship. When I had friends I usually found the people who sat by themselves, the other misfits, a small group of maybe three or four. But all those people have moved on now.
I have always put all my focus on my studies, on my work--I still view social relationships as something "extra". I thought once I stepped out of my delusion--you know, the one that goes like "I must be a loner, I just don't fit in so there's no point in trying, I'm fine on my own, I enjoy life better this way, I don't need anybody, as long as I have my family, my cats and my art my life can be fulfilled"--I thought once I abandoned that the rest would fall into place.
The strange thing is, people aren't repulsed by me --I don't think. (as a social phobic there is always that fear). I am quiet, I try to smile, I have manners, I'm non-threatening. I think I could be a good friend if I could learn how. Although I'm definitely not a "mainstream" kid, I know that what's blocking me is primarily something internal.
Last year and the year before, my moto was: "I wish everyone would leave me alone!"
Now my moto is: "I wish I could relax enough to make some friends or fall in love."
It's a momentous change, but it doesn't make reaching my goal any easier!! 8O