How should a girl proceed with this shy guy?

[greykitty]

I asked this in the shyness forum but I wasn't getting many replies. So here goes:

Every time things I think that are going great with a shy guy I've been talking to he pulls back big time. He would ignore all messages I send him until he feels ready to return and talk to me. At first I thought he might have been pulling some PUA stuff on me so I waited it out. But every time we do talk things between us would be AMAZING. :applause:

So far these are the explanations he's given me:

1) he doesn't think he is attractive
2) he's not the showy kind of person
3) expressing his emotions makes him feel weak
4) he's very passive
5) he's shy

At first the silence would go on for 3 days, then 2 weeks then hovered between 2-3 weeks and now it's been 4 weeks. :kickingmyself:

Whenever he comes back there would be tons of apologies and explanations and then things would be AMAZING again for a few weeks and then BAM! I don't know what hit me and radio silence all over again.

So over the course of almost a year now these are the things I've tried. I've got 2 approaches to this. I either wait it out and mirror his silence or I would text every few days to see if I would get a response. I would send cute messages. songs, funny messages to make him smile or laugh and occasionally some flirty ones too. He's either responded or ignored to everything I've tried. If I use the reaching out to him method he would respond maybe every few days if he's feeling alright but sometimes there's always that period of completely ignoring me.

So my question for you guys is: Should I leave him alone when he withdraws or should I bite the bullet and continue to send him messages even with the chance of him ignoring me completely? :question:

We haven't even talked on the phone yet, ever.

 

[Quietguy11]

I'm exactly like this guy, so hopefully I can give some good advice here. If he's anything like me, he really likes the feeling of being appreciated and accepted (except I only wish I had a girl in my life who would care enough to text to me that way) I'm not sure if he has a serious anxiety disorder or not but anxiety has a way of freezing the mind so that syncing in conversation becomes a serious challenge. Coupled with shyness and possibly introversion, this would make it extremely hard for him to unleash social energy on a constant or daily bases because much of these feelings we'll call them are paralyzing, and introverts are not like extroverts. Extroverts have a lot more social energy than introverts do. I wouldn't take the ignoring bit to heart though. I have a guy friend who occasionally ignores me even after I text him a few times, and to this day I don't know why he does that, but I don't take it to heart or anything, and when I see him I don't bring it up to him because it's his business, and not mine. Just know that there are reasons for everything and that it wouldn't be directed at you in a personal way. With shy people, like myself, space is very important. As most of us who are shy feel at our best whenever we're on our own.

 

[greykitty]

@quietguy thank you for your reply. He has told me before that he does like being alone a lot and so a loner. He also said he was an extravert but from what I've gathered he isn't. I am a true extravert and I am much more outgoing and I have no issues making contact or talking to anyone. But he seems to have major passiveness and shyness when speaking to me. He never even asked me to speak on the phone and I've asked to talk many times but our communication has been mostly through text.

So do you think I should continue to contact or should I just let him be alone for months and not say a thing? Would that make him think I am not interested? But if I do contact him a lot would it make him think I am clingy/needy/desperate?

 

[Quietguy11]

Like I said, space is everything with introverted/shy people, like myself. Again, if he's anything like me, he finds it really hard to hold up his end of a conversation very well, and is somewhat self-conscious when it comes to what other people are possibly thinking of his overall social performance. The additional weight that this brings on can be very paralyzing, as I've stated, and can make time go by at a painfully slow rate. I think you should contact him still to show interest, but cut it in half. Instead of texting three times a day, only text once. Or if it's by weekly, instead of texting every day, text only three or four days out of the week, and just ask how he's doing, and if he's up for meeting up and stuff. Hope this helped.

 

[greykitty]

Yes Thank you. Much appreciated

 

[Bronson99]

@quietguy thank you for your reply. He has told me before that he does like being alone a lot and so a loner. He also said he was an extravert but from what I've gathered he isn't. I am a true extravert and I am much more outgoing and I have no issues making contact or talking to anyone. But he seems to have major passiveness and shyness when speaking to me. He never even asked me to speak on the phone and I've asked to talk many times but our communication has been mostly through text.

So do you think I should continue to contact or should I just let him be alone for months and not say a thing? Would that make him think I am not interested? But if I do contact him a lot would it make him think I am clingy/needy/desperate?

If you're extroverted and this guy is mostly the opposite, and he has to withdraw to recharge his social energy, I'd be curious to know why you're even interested in him.

That's not to say anything against introverts, as I'm the same way. It just seems like this "relationship" is too incompatible.

For myself, at least, I could never even imagine being with a pure extrovert. I don't see any way it could work. But that's just my take.

 

[Scandic123]

If you're extroverted and this guy is mostly the opposite, and he has to withdraw to recharge his social energy, I'd be curious to know why you're even interested in him.

That's not to say anything against introverts, as I'm the same way. It just seems like this "relationship" is too incompatible.

For myself, at least, I could never even imagine being with a pure extrovert. I don't see any way it could work. But that's just my take.

Without knowing, I think it's because some introverts are seen as interesting and mysterious people, and also because introverts are usually nice and good at listening.

 

[greykitty]

I was never interested in other extraverts. I was severely abused as a child. Got myself into an abusive friendship with someone else that nearly killed me. So aggressive and controlling or loud men scare the hell out of me. There's your answer.

Just because I was born extraverted doesn't mean I am like all out there and being loud and getting my socializing on every day. I am quiet mostly. Introspective and usually very self aware. The only difference between me and a shy person is that when placed in a position where I would have to be social or talkative or network, I would probably be able to do it with ease and maybe only with a normal amount of anxiety.

But once I go home and it's shutdown time like during my childhood when I would hide in my room. I have serious depression and abandonment issues. I have walls up like anyone else would given the situation I was in. Only rarely would someone be able to reach me at a deeper level than what I show on the surface.

So maybe he and I are not as opposite as you might like to think. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little deeper.

 

[greykitty]

While growing up I found that going out into the big bad world was a lot easier to deal with than my crazy family. So that was how I discovered that I wasn't an introvert but an extravert. And I usually don't have to recharge from social energy. But I must go into shutdown mode to recharge from having to deal with people who were scary right outside my bedroom doorstep. Sometimes the people who you are supposed to be able to trust are the ones who can hurt you the most.

 

[Bronson99]

It's nice to see that a woman who can socialize likes a shy/anxious guy, for a change.

But I would imagine such a preference is rare.