How self-absorbed are you?

[LittleMissMuffet]

Don't mean to be confrontational -yet, I am noticing that even simply thinking of how I can help others is already having a big effect on my state of mind.

This seems to be giving me that much needed perspective and sense of who I am in relationship with others, that is minimising my fears. And I believe that I have such a compulsive inner energy, that if this energy is not chanelled and thereby put into perspective, that it turns inwards and is destructive -whereby I brood and am bombarded with obsessive insecurities and self-doubts.
But if I genuinely think about others and am truly occupied on how I can help them -my fears and worries about my self diminish.

...Maybe you think that this form of therapy won't last; yet, why couldn't it? ...It is, afterall, simply another means to achieve a clearer sense of where I fit in among other people.

And I don't believe that I am worse than other "normal" (-that's a funny word?) people; I just observe that I have a strong emotional energy within me, that when it is channelled well, works well for me.
I've seen this when I paint a picture. And when I have meditated, I can achieve a good degree of calm, just as when I am in such a peaceful frame of mind and thinking of all people, I am very calm and good with others.

...I don't know about anybody else: but I prefer to see what is happening as my soul wanting to evolve and my sense of who I am and what I want to be, having a real make-over. ...And I like this way of perceiving my self. Sometimes I resent being told by the world that I have 'social anxiety'; eventhough I should not care how others define who I am or that they may also look upon me as lesser along with their definitions.

 

[Xaviera_Hollander]

I make a concerted effort to put other people and their needs before mine but that hasn't done much for my anxiety as far as minimizing it. Of course, I suffer from depression and generalized anxiety in addition to SA so...

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

I'm not sure about why the same thing doesn't help you like it seems to be helping me.

Yet, I think that it would have to do with the thought behind the thought about helping others. ...Maybe, in order to be able to lose yourself in thinking of others so that anxiety is lost as well- a person needs to be at a place, or point, where they also are no-longer much caught-up in their fears. Similar to, feeling little shame about having an anxiety problem and not caring so much if it does show up. Or otherwise, just bored with worrying about what is seen more as trivial worries. ...because my anxieties are based on really trivial aspects of social interaction and superficial aspects of personality -and I think that I'm getting too interested in basing my self on being about more than this.

so, I'm basically saying that it doesn't have to do with how 'good' a person is, but that it has to do with whether they are not caring as much about what effect anxiety has on them -like not seeing my self or attaching who I am so much to the (trivial) things that make me anxious. ...eventhough I don't feel this way completely. And then I think of others because this fits in with the way I see my self becoming and what I want to be like.

...I think that I am seeing the things that I get anxious about as being separate and unimportant compared to what I am becoming about and what I would like to become about. -Kind of like, even if I do stuff up and overeact, I don't attach as much to this in terms of what I think is important to my sense of identity. Like such things are superficial, so even if others laugh at my nervousness and insecurity -I'm more than these things.

At least, that is how I am feeling now.

 

[tommydog]

iv changed i used to be self absorbed. I used to think that my problems were worse than everyone else .. ect

i dont have that attitude anymore, and id like to think i no longer come across that way.

one of the most important lessons i am learning, is this

always put yourself in someone elses shoes.

theres a reason all those old sayings are still around, its because there true.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

I'll admit, I'm very self-absorbed.

 

[Kinetik]

Yeah, this is one thing I have a real problem with. Or rather, others have a problem with me because of it. It came as quite a surprise to me to learn that people sometimes think I'm quite rude. This was weird to me because I usually try to be humble, stay out of situations, basically not stick my neck out or be involved. It turns out that it's coming from something pretty simple - me being self-absorbed to the point where I forget common pleasantries and the basics of forced social interaction. This could be anything from forgetting to ask how someone is, to not enquiring about their new car, baby, whatever. It also means that I'm so wrapped up in my own world that I forego things like return e-mails, thank you notes, thoughtful voicemail messages, just the basic checking-in if that makes sense. It's something I feel I should work on, although at times I really get in the "to hell with everyone" mood.

 

[shy_girl]

bye

 

[Darkly13]

I am pretty self-absorbed, but I try to think of other people, as well.

 

[Xaviera_Hollander]

I'm not sure about why the same thing doesn't help you like it seems to be helping me.

Possibly because I deal with depression and GAD also. Also the type of person that I am. Outside of the depression and anxiety (both SA and GAD), I'm quite optimistic and generous. This is just my nature. Also, it might depend on the origins of your SA. Mine, along with everything else is mostly biological, less so situational/environmental. I've been depressed and anxious most of my life, going back to when I was age 5 or so.

What works for one person might not work for someone else.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Xavier,

My belief about thinking of others -is that this is part of the cure but also actually part of the frame of mind/attitude that a person who is cured would think like - that is, among a few possible new outlooks.

I don't believe that it is possible to really think about the welfare of others unless a person already feels they are well to some extent on their own.
And that 'thinking of others' is something that can help encourage them and help them grow in feeling that their troubles are not as big. -But first, the person needs to already feel that their trouble is smaller and that they have some handle on it.

....I think that I have been thinking of others more because my feelings about my self have gotten better more recently. ...Just like I don't think that being self-absorbed needs to be seen as such a bad thing. It's impossible to really take care of others if a person hasn't done enough to take care of themselves. -Besides, I haven't done voluntary work so far -it has just been my inclination to think more about doing this and about others that has helped me feel better.

There is probably not so much to learn about Social Anxiety -I think what is missing is 'momentum' and what some people call 'faith'. Just like how all of us are intelligent enough to already know that certain thoughts we think are unhealthy and what new thoughts are not -yet we don't feel the confidence, the emotional ability to change and take-up these new thoughts. ....This is about reaching that elusive point where a person simply feels good ...and I wish I could understand more about just how to 'think' my way there. But, all of this may likely be just a process that a person goes through, were they grow.

Yet, also, thinking of others can be part of this courage and strengthen a person's new outlook, to help get a person to this place of feeling good more quickly.
And -the worst thing to do is to see getting past SA as some test of value, or seeing 'thinking of others' as some test of how good a person is.
In fact, seeing things in such a way is what drains a persons' strength.

I understand that you are telling me that your problems are probably harder than mine: this is fine by me, since perhaps they are. The point is that I don't believe it matters whether a person is 'healthy' or 'well adjusted' to the eye. ....If a person who had shizophrenia found how to cure themselves, and another person with a more common problem, like a phobia of spiders, managed to cure themselves -it is more likely that the first person actually is stronger and probably more wiser as well. Being that 'strength', 'goodness', wisdom, are difficult to measure, and this is largely because all of these things are constantly changing.
Just like that, I agree that maybe you have things tougher and I don't think that because 'thinking of others' doesn't help you feel better is because you are less 'good' or 'strong' than me.

...In fact, this whole experience is a lesson for me in how I judge my self and others in terms of what is 'strong', 'good' etc.
Everything is turned inside out and upside down as far as what is true.

The only other thing that I wanted to say, is about other people's labels vs how the individual defines and describes themselves -but I've written this in another thread.

 

[Xaviera_Hollander]

I understand that you are telling me that your problems are probably harder than mine: this is fine by me, since perhaps they are.

I did not mean to imply this at all. I just wanted to show that what I deal with on a daily basis might be different, not worse than what you might go through. We all suffer.

I don't believe that it is possible to really think about the welfare of others unless a person already feels they are well to some extent on their own.

I disagree. Emotionally, I'm probably quite unhealthy. It's in my nature to care about others. This is how I'm wired. Even when the anxiety and depression are bad, I can still manage to pull myself out enough to help a friend with a problem. It takes an effort but I can do it if I really need to. This doesn't make me healthy, just a good friend. On the other hand, I can be quite self absorbed and be totally for myself.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

I understand that you are telling me that your problems are probably harder than mine: this is fine by me, since perhaps they are.

I did not mean to imply this at all. I just wanted to show that what I deal with on a daily basis might be different, not worse than what you might go through. We all suffer.

LittleMissMuffet says:-
You wrote before that your problems are more biological. Well, I am fairly certain that mine also originate from my genes, since one side of my family all has had anxiety problems. And I also have had my problem(s) since I can remember.

So if you aren't saying that you believe your problems to be worse than mine but instead that they are different -well, first of all, anxiety and depression are two sides of the same coin, and when I haven't had anxiety in the past I've often had depression (although the older I have gotten the more my problems manifest as anxiety). So, if their are differences in mine and your problems, the illnesses are similar enough and (according to you) they don't appear significantly different in magnitude either.

So, perhaps these differences you talk about a more subtle -than the specific anxiety/depression problem or the degree of it.

I don't believe that it is possible to really think about the welfare of others unless a person already feels they are well to some extent on their own.

I disagree. Emotionally, I'm probably quite unhealthy. It's in my nature to care about others. This is how I'm wired. Even when the anxiety and depression are bad, I can still manage to pull myself out enough to help a friend with a problem. It takes an effort but I can do it if I really need to. This doesn't make me healthy, just a good friend. On the other hand, I can be quite self absorbed and be totally for myself.

LittleMissMuffet says:
You know how I wrote about helping others or - in my case- simply thinking more of others then helping to make a person feel better ...that I believe the correct order is in fact feeling somewhat better already and then thinking more of others (and this then building-on a person's good feeling) ....? That a person really needs to take care enough of themselves first before they can take care of others.

It's easy enough to see the connection that exists with having social anxiety and being a people pleaser. Yet with any emotional problem, there is also an element of self-absorption -there must be, simply because a person needs to think of themselves a bit more in order to help themselves.
Almost as if there is already a split between thinking of others and thinking of oneself -social anxiety is often about wanting to please others and yet there is also a deep concern for one's own welfare. This makes perfect sense -since until the person feels better in themself, they will be trying hard to win others approval.

I don't mean to suggest thinking of others if the person is already stretching themselves thin. Instead I mean to suggest looking after the self first and then thinking more about other people to encourage this new sense of perspective -one that is more about self and others in proportion with each other.

And I've already stated that this has little to do with how 'good' a person is, and that it is not of any importance how soon a person manages to cure themselves. ....I choose to look at things in terms of growth and ignore status and 'how good a person am I' ....all of these concerns are about the ego, and the ego stands in the way of both a person growing and changing as well as them being able to fulfill the very same image of themselves that they would like to see take shape.

I reject taking scores or seeing any of this in terms of a competition where one person wins and another comes second or last.
And you would be wise to adopt this same outlook -because one thing that is in my mind a certainty: making comparisons and seeing things in terms of who is good enough or not ...all of this creates illusions of success or failure. And, with this, forgetting about such concerns -which are all about ego and what others think of us -is exactly what gives a person the freedom to actually succeed for real, with no illusions.

In short: I am certain that you are a good person. But I think that what you are paying attention to is not only unimportant, but is even in fact bound to slow you down. There is no start and finish -growing and developing never stops.

 

[witchblade]

Self-Absorbed because my life stinks

I am in the helping profession ie I work with the mentally ill and drug abusers. So far it has not help alot in dealing with my problems. Yes I see many people who have it much worse but I still think of how crappy my life is. I want to be less conscious of myself. Less ego-centric. I always fear that others look at me and think strange things.

Another thing is working in this hospital I also see patients who dont have as serious of problem as I do. Sometimes I think...what the hell are you doing here. And of coarse they are on medicaid wasting taxpayers money. Several of them play the system and go from hospital to hospital. This is some ways has made me less sympathtic to them. Now I have never let them know this as I am good at acting appropriately.

Basically I work in the helping field and donate to several charities...and honestly it has not made me feel better about myself. I cant depend on outside Validation.
I hope in the near future dedicating myself to others will add a positive dimension to my life. I will not give up.

 

[Shonen_Yo]

It's a good thing to focus your efforts to beat SA. Many of our problems can be solved by simply occupying our thoughts. Unfortunately, SA is always the stronger force in my life.

 

[Jack-B]

All,

Its habitual to be self centred and self obssessed buts its entirely unatural.

Because we have such a vivid sense of who we think we are we hold onto this view so tightly thinking we are the centre of the world, yet this view is mistaken.

From this view we feel seperated from and distant from others, this distance is born in our mind and can be closed so that we no longer feel threatened by others or lonely. This gap we feel between ourself and others is where we fill our thoughts with anxiety because we feel so apart from them, yet because we perceive them in our own minds we can, if we learn how, close this gap so there is no anxiety, no self centredness.

The selfish mind is the cause of all our problems. War, crime, poverty, it's this attitude we need to abandon if we wish to feel closer to others, free from anxiety.

Jack