How NOT to "fall" for a girl

[Angel_Of_Death]

Whenever I have a crush on a girl, I become obsessed and then miserable. I would rather not have any crushes on any girls.

Last year in one of my classes in university, for the whole semester I did projects with this girl, and from the first moment I fell for her. Long story short, she kinda took advantage of me probably knowing I liked her, and maybe she sensed I was vulnerable in a certain way, I ended up doing most of the work on our projects, ended up lending her money I never got back...and eventually she stopped talking to me without giving any reasons. I don't really see her in school anymore as we're in different classes. In the end, I ended up being hurt. This girl through the 5-6 months I knew her, put me in such a miserable state you can't imagine. The miserable state I was in was because of myself, as I was obsessed with her and thinking about her 24/7, even tough I knew she had a boyfriend. Eventually I got over her and kinda moved on...

Until recently, at work, there is this new girl that started working and since her desk is right next to mine, I've been helping her alot on work related things, but this girl is so charming and beautiful that I'm getting the same type of feelings I had for the girl last year. I've been obsessing about her alot lately, and I want it to stop, but I can't help myself. I really don't want to end up feeling hurt, depressed and miserable all over again.

How exactly can I stop myself from liking a girl, or how do I stop obsessing over a girl ?

 

[Walk]

I've been there.

Trust me, most guys, regardless of SA, have been there.

What worked for me is to realize that she was not that special; *I* was the one adding so much value to her.

The illusion we bring in our heads is that the girl is "everything to us". That we "can't" live without their presence. Well, obviously you grew up to the point before you met her without any of her help, didn't you?

Crushing is actually just making lots of false expectations, and giving false characteristics to the girls we fall for. It should be more balanced. Loving someone should take time because we need to know if they are TRULY trustworthy, honest, kind, and so forth. Sure, nobody is going to be perfect and we all make mistakes but come on... falling for a girl is just a sign that we seek to escape our current situations by putting all our attention in someone else.

PS It's girls like her that give women a bad name. You feed a morsel to those types of bitches and they'll devour all you have, seriously. Women can be just as bad as men.

 

[weak]

There's a ton of way to overcome this, and it's important you do because when you're obsessive and needy, it becomes obvious and it's without a doubt one of the biggest turn offs for a girl

The best advice I can give you would be to buy a copy of The Game by Neil Strauss. It's the most shallow, superficial thing you'll ever read but it explains the psychology of attraction, amongst other things. After you read it, everything will make sense and you'll realize how and why she makes you feel the way you do... and after you see that, the obsession will fade.

 

[Walk]

There's a ton of way to overcome this, and it's important you do because when you're obsessive and needy, it becomes obvious and it's without a doubt one of the biggest turn offs for a girl

The best advice I can give you would be to buy a copy of The Game by Neil Strauss. It's the most shallow, superficial thing you'll ever read but it explains the psychology of attraction, amongst other things. After you read it, everything will make sense and you'll realize how and why she makes you feel the way you do... and after you see that, the obsession will fade.

I agree.

I read it last year.

Neil Strauss seems to be a pretty cool guy though.

David Deangelo's e-book is good too ( I know he's mentioned in the Game.)

 

[Kien]

No attraction or feelings for the win!

 

[no1]

I been kind of the same way. I become way too obsessed ( I think ) and I think I am more desperate than others.. The girl may be confused as to why I may call her so often or why I may be more needy than others. Surely it's not her problem, it's just my own problem that I am more needy than others, and that I require a little more attention and care (at least in the beginning) because I am not "normal". I try to keep it to myself... of course it makes me very unsociable. Why should a girl have to give me a little more attention? Why should a girl have to carry the burden of being part of a "problem" such as my life, even if it may help me? Why not just go find a so-called "perfect" man that doesn't require too much work (at least in the beginning) but in the long run might require a lot more work? Short sightedness?

I don't know. I do sympathize though with everyone who ever has to deal with me. I wish I wasn't this way, and I hate feeling like a f*cking martyr.

 

[JonnyD]

stop seeing her or find another one...

Crushes aren't love,. therefore this feeling will eventually go away if you don't "feed" it... as cold as it sounds

But if you feed it you're going to have a lot of trouble, because you'll probably develop a great deal of affection for the person.


now really, we all like this feeling? at least a bit?

 

[Slothrop]

Love consists in overestimating the difference between one woman and another.

Look, beautiful and charming women are not a rare thing. The fact that you, someone that posts on a forum for social anxiety, have met and personally interacted with two of them in just as many years should be evidence enough of that. You didn't have to go looking for them or anything, they just happened to end up in your life. So, it may help to notice that your attraction to these women in particular is rooted in the simple fact that they're nearby.

No doubt, part of your obsession is the feeling like something might "happen" between you at some indeterminate point in the future. It's a nice thought, but relationships very rarely happen that way. In the meantime, it colors your interactions with her because you don't want to do anything that will "ruin the chance", but you also don't want to "come on too strong", because naturally you don't feel like you could or should actually ask her out. Am I close? Does this sound familiar at all?

So, make up your mind! Either decide that you're going to act on that obsession and ask her out, or decide that you're not, and you're not going to treat her any differently than you would anybody else, and you're not going to worry about spoiling a chance for anything else. Don't act one way and hope for the other. Close the loop. Decide. Be done with it.

If you ask her out, that's great! If she says yes, that's great! What to do then is a whole other post, though. If she says no, that's great! You won't have to obsess over what might happen if you ask her out, because you'll know.
Then you'll know that that isn't going to happen, and you can move on knowing that you gave it a shot.

If you decide that you aren't going to ask her out, that's great! You don't even have to do anything! You don't lose anything that you already have (except gradually you'll lose the obsession), you get more accustomed to the idea that women (even beautiful and charming ones) are people just like you, and you have a greater potential of developing a much more stable and non-stressful friendship with her instead. Without the vague possibility of a relationship hovering over your head, it's much easier to relax and be yourself. (This, in turn,

Either way, you'll feel better just by virtue of the fact that you've actually made a decision, and you're not leaving things up to some amorphous fate that you have no control over. And it doesn't really matter if you change your mind and waffle about it for a while, as you are likely to do, as long as you know you're in control over what happens.

I'm familiar with this problem, and am in fact dealing with it right now. Across the room from me is my new roommate, an amazing girl that I only recently met but share a lot in common with and get along really well with. I would really love to believe that some kind of magic will just "happen" and that it would be great, but I know from experience that it won't unless I try to make it happen and that now is really not a good time for me to be introducing that kind of pressure into my life, potentially derailing a great new friendship and souring a great roommate situation.

It's not an easy decision to make, but I know it's much better for me to keep her off the pedestal and treat her as a friend. Sure, I've got a little crush on her because she really is a great girl, but I'd sooner have her introduce me to her friends than ask her out. Having decided this frees up a lot of my mental energy and it means I can relax and be myself when I'm at home.

Hope this helps.

 

[ripewithdecay]

I understand the obsession and easily falling in love thing.
There was a time i'd fall in love with almost every female i met, even if she was just average looking.

I guess now I'm just more accepting that a woman is beautiful and charming, but doesn't serve me in any way other than eye candy or a friend/aquaintance (unless i'm willing to put in the mountain of effort and time it takes to make her attracted to me, which could take months if not years)

I read The Game as well, and i've researched a lot of those 'dating guru' guys. One thing you'll get out of it for sure is an understanding of women.
And that's important in order to cure this obsessional behaviour you're experiencing.

One advantage you have over most of us guys, at least me, is that you sound like you're fairly comfortable around women. Being able to work beside them all day and help them out etc.
I couldn't stand them for that long.... no way.
lol jk.

 

[no1]

[/quote]No doubt, part of your obsession is the feeling like something might "happen" between you at some indeterminate point in the future. It's a nice thought, but relationships very rarely happen that way. [/quote]

So in "reality", how do they happen?

Another thing about obsession.. I too might let the girl know how I feel but try not to make it seem 'crazy'. There's a difference between admiration that is alright but, if it's obsession or infatuation, I might just hint at it mabe but I would think it's really overboard and probably just something to do with my social phobia/anxiety, social skills, or whatever, inadequacies . I might not be so direct as to be rough (even though some girls SAY they like it rough) I am not that way.. I respect the woman, and if that means I'll be lonely for the rest of my life because I respect my woman then.. I'll just die alone if not maybe even commit suicide.

I find out sometimes that even if I do let them know, straight out.. it still isn't "enough". You don't "ask" her out you meet up. You don't ask to kiss her, you give her a kiss (even though she's giving you no hints.. you are showing her you are a Superior Man by being brave enough to kiss her even though there are no signs of her wanting it... because you have to be SUPER AGGRESSIVE because if not you have no balls).I may be generalizing but it seems to me that all girls just want to be .. dominated in a negative way. They are content just.. taking what comes to them, they want the man to be super aggressive, while they don't have to do any work. Because women (like cats supposedly don't know when their in heat lol) do whatever the man says, women just take everything that comes to them, for they are the great Menders! Or they want a relationship to seem as if it happened 'naturally' as if it was set up by God, or just.. she just entered it unconsciously/subconsciously. Naturally as if.. it was no thing. There are probably so many misunderstandings about men and women and the gender roles.

Or maybe I am just generalizing and I think very crazy and sinisterly about the world and people around me... but I do see a lot of things I don't agree with................................................................................................

kinda humorous in fact. but still serious, very serious.

 

[no1]

and btw a lot of them 'dating gurus' sound sexist or something.

 

[Slothrop]

So in "reality", how do they happen?

One or the other person decides they want to make something happen, and they take some kind of action that risks rejection. If you know them, it usually means asking them out, although what constitutes a "date" can vary, it should at least be obvious to both that it isn't just a friendly meeting or something work/school related. Put simply: relationships happen when somebody makes clear that that's what they want, preferably early on, so that there is no confusion about where things are headed. Even then, they may not work out for any number of reasons, but that's at least a starting point.

I too might let the girl know how I feel but try not to make it seem 'crazy'.

There's nothing crazy about asking a girl out for coffee (or whatever). That's all you really need to do to find out if she's interested or not. You don't need to tell her all about your feelings, because that's probably overwhelming, and too much information. It may seem counter-intuitive, but a girl is less likely to reject you if she feels like you wouldn't be hurt by her rejection. Otherwise, it's asking her to take on a lot of responsibility for your feelings, right from the start, and that's just too much. All you really need to share at this point is that you're interested in her enough to want to spend some time with her outside of work or school, and want to know if she feels the same way.

I respect the woman, and if that means I'll be lonely for the rest of my life because I respect my woman then.. I'll just die alone if not maybe even commit suicide.

Woah, hold up. Respecting women does not mean you'll end up alone. Forget what you think about "assholes get women" and "nice guys finish last". The truth is that it has nothing to do with how nice you are, and everything to do with how confident you are. The reason there's a correlation is that too many guys compensate for lack of confidence by trying to be nice.

I find out sometimes that even if I do let them know, straight out.. it still isn't "enough".

"Enough" for what?

I may be generalizing but it seems to me that all girls just want to be .. dominated in a negative way.

Not exactly. It can seem that way, but that's not what is really going on.

Women are under a lot of social pressure to not appear "slutty", which in turn means it's hard and rare for them to overtly express their attraction or desire. In practice, this means they communicate in more subtle ways that you can learn to read and anticipate. This can be very frustrating in dealing with them, but you can learn a lot if you pay attention. It isn't about the man being "super aggressive" so much as him being confident enough in his interpretation of these signals to act on them without having to ask.

It's about demonstrating that you're sure enough of yourself and attracted enough to her to not be afraid to take the small risk that you're wrong. If you're not willing to take a chance that she might reject your advances, you're not going to be very attractive to her.

Women generally don't want to just be kissed out of the blue, they just want to be kissed without having to say "Kiss me." or "Yes, it's ok if you kiss me." By the time you get to that part of a date with a woman, she will have had plenty of opportunities to reject your advances. I mean, if she's looking bored and unhappy and pulls away when you touch her casually (on the arm, for instance), it should be pretty obvious that she's not going to like you trying to kiss her. But if she's laughing and flirting, and responds well to your touch, that's her way of saying you're doing fine, and a kiss would not be unwelcome.

The same pattern applies at any point in a relationship. Even when you first approach or meet a girl, there's a certain range of interaction that should be acceptable to her without her having to say so. And if you've known a girl for a little while and have talked to her enough to realize that you're attracted to her, by that point it should be acceptable for you to ask her out. She may say no, but unless she's extremely uptight, she isn't going to offended just by you asking. If she thought you were really terrible, she wouldn't even talk to you in the first place!

None of this may be useful information to you right now, but I hope it might help you see relationships differently. I know where you're coming from, because I used to see them the same way, and I felt the same way. I've learned enough since then to feel like I was wrong.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

stop seeing her or find another one...

Crushes aren't love,. therefore this feeling will eventually go away if you don't "feed" it... as cold as it sounds

But if you feed it you're going to have a lot of trouble, because you'll probably develop a great deal of affection for the person.


now really, we all like this feeling? at least a bit?

I can't just stop seeing her, we work together and her desk is right beside me. But you are right, overtime there is the risk the affection will grow, and that's what I'd like to avoid.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

Love consists in overestimating the difference between one woman and another.

Look, beautiful and charming women are not a rare thing. The fact that you, someone that posts on a forum for social anxiety, have met and personally interacted with two of them in just as many years should be evidence enough of that. You didn't have to go looking for them or anything, they just happened to end up in your life. So, it may help to notice that your attraction to these women in particular is rooted in the simple fact that they're nearby.

No doubt, part of your obsession is the feeling like something might "happen" between you at some indeterminate point in the future. It's a nice thought, but relationships very rarely happen that way. In the meantime, it colors your interactions with her because you don't want to do anything that will "ruin the chance", but you also don't want to "come on too strong", because naturally you don't feel like you could or should actually ask her out. Am I close? Does this sound familiar at all?

It does sound familiar, you're 100% right. You described precisely how I feel...

So, make up your mind! Either decide that you're going to act on that obsession and ask her out, or decide that you're not, and you're not going to treat her any differently than you would anybody else, and you're not going to worry about spoiling a chance for anything else. Don't act one way and hope for the other. Close the loop. Decide. Be done with it.

It's not easy like that. I can't make up my mind and make the decision of either asking her out or treat her differently. Asking her out would put too much pressure and would create too much anxiety that I'm not ready to have at this stage in my life (even tough not having a girlfriend is also making me miserable).

As for treating her differently, that also seems impossible. To describe myself, at work I'm quiet and not as out-going as most people working there. I do talk to people still, but I'm more of a reserved person. Having that personality doesn't really push anyone else to come and talk to me. This girl for some reason does talk to me and gives attention to me. She also on some occasions made some small compliments about me, which for me meant alot as I usually don't get them from girls. She also laughs when I make jokes (which isn't too often)... She has bright beautiful eyes, long hair and amazing puffy lips that I just feel like kissing...I wouldn't be able to treat her differently. I feel like grabbing her and holding her in my arms...

I think the best thing for me to do is try not obsess about her and let things go...I work part time, so I only see her about twice a week. I need to work on myself, become a better person, become more confident. I've been hitting the gym for about 1 yr and half and doing lots of sports. I have a great body shape, more than 75% of guys would kill to have a body like mine, I think I'm pretty decent looking. I know I can attract women. I just have no confidence, and it fucking sucks! [/quote]

 

[Kien]

I red that girls always knows what you are thinking. At least on dates. Girls can ready thoughts of guys.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

Whenever I have a crush on a girl, I become obsessed and then miserable. I would rather not have any crushes on any girls.

Last year in one of my classes in university, for the whole semester I did projects with this girl, and from the first moment I fell for her. Long story short, she kinda took advantage of me probably knowing I liked her, and maybe she sensed I was vulnerable in a certain way, I ended up doing most of the work on our projects, ended up lending her money I never got back...and eventually she stopped talking to me without giving any reasons. I don't really see her in school anymore as we're in different classes. In the end, I ended up being hurt. This girl through the 5-6 months I knew her, put me in such a miserable state you can't imagine. The miserable state I was in was because of myself, as I was obsessed with her and thinking about her 24/7, even tough I knew she had a boyfriend. Eventually I got over her and kinda moved on...

Until recently, at work, there is this new girl that started working and since her desk is right next to mine, I've been helping her alot on work related things, but this girl is so charming and beautiful that I'm getting the same type of feelings I had for the girl last year. I've been obsessing about her alot lately, and I want it to stop, but I can't help myself. I really don't want to end up feeling hurt, depressed and miserable all over again.

How exactly can I stop myself from liking a girl, or how do I stop obsessing over a girl ?

I posted this in the beginning of the month. I didn't want to obsess over this girl, because I knew by doing so I would only make myself more miserable. 20 days later, I find myself in a situation where I think about her constantly, everyday. And I am miserable. I am miserable because she's so freakin' beautiful, she's so charming, she's amazing...and for some reason she gives me some attention...But in the end my social anxiety prevents me from having any hope. It's killing me. It's eating me up inside, so much that I end up crying at night just thinking about her.

Please someone, tell me how to not like her....how to forget about her....how to make me stop from thinking of her 24/7.