I am an immigrant from Bosnia who moved to the US at the age of two. my parents worked all day long, almost never saw them.. they didn't have many friends... I remember looking out the window at kids playing on the street, they never let me, said it was dangerous, so... I started kindergarten... that was really nice... I think I fitted in.. didn't cry for my mom or anything... but I still remember being kinda shy about my roots... I told my mom to call me britney around the kids lol My name is Marijana.... then I was with the cool kids in the first three years of school. wasn't the main one.. but was ambicious.. sometimes exploated.. did have friends.. then we moved back to Bosnia... and It was very hard for me to fit in!!!!! learn the language, a whole different mentality... so I was interesting to them at first, but then that grew to jelousy, not saying I blame them if I had the skills I would've gained some friends.. I was the nerd... didn't really wanna socialize either.. I always followed this girl, she told me what to do, b****, I decided to stop hanging out with her... lol then came the best summer of my life.. I was 14.. exactly the time to leave all the bad stuff behind and mature a little.. as i did in a way... I was very funny, whitty, then I started fearing( I guess from before trauma) that I couldn't do it anymore, and than I didn't ... two and a half years have passed since then.. I've had some hypochondric attacks... I had headaches for three months every single second, everybody thought I had cancer... then I grew out of my ocd I had, thankfully. then I realized my real problem SA and my ocpd... when u want everything perfect, but I guess all SA ers have that... and it's not that I want everything perfect, I want it to reach my full potential... the one I had that summer! I feel chained... sometimes even cursed.. but it will lead nowhere to thinking I'm cursed.. so I'm about to start CBT... hopefully I will get outta this vicious cycle, but I 'm not maturing and realizing shit I should and I don't know who I am... my docs saying that it will come with maturity and CBT... it makes me feel stupid.. but I was never stupid.. not just because of my grades, but because of fitting in and having all As in when I just came from the US to bosnia... I'm socially stupid... the anxiety makes me look stupid...I'm lost.. don't know how to get outta the vicious circle... any advice... I do expose myself.. but I just have no thoughts, not even when I 'm chatting over the net...
I guess I want to be the best cuz when u don't have anything and r always badly treated u always wanted to prove them wrong,be the best, just like Julien Sorel in The Red and Black... and me wanting that will never allow me.. whether or not I have the qualities.. or maybe I just don't have the qualities... maybe I'm a hermit...
I guess I want to be the best cuz when u don't have anything and r always badly treated u always wanted to prove them wrong,be the best, just like Julien Sorel in The Red and Black... and me wanting that will never allow me.. whether or not I have the qualities.. or maybe I just don't have the qualities... maybe I'm a hermit...