how i'm FEELING today (opinions & sympathy needed)

[lilshwayne]

yeeeah the past few days have been a whirlwind of depression for me! First off, i'm about to start my period and that always blows my mental well-being to hell. Like, I literally haven't been able to tear myself out of bed for more than a few hours at a time. And the damn thing is taking so long to start!! Last friday I called into work last minute, found myself thinking "beginning of the end" because once i start ****ing up, i usually don't stop until whatever it is , is blown to hell. I've never had a job for more than a few months . But with this like.. crippling self loathing and pity and doubt it's ****ing hard to get up and be productive!! I hate myself for being so weak. I want people to like me and i want to be popular and yet I find myself just thinking 'leave me alone' when someone rarely engages me in conversation. It's so hard because i am a cashier at my job (most days sometimes there's stocking and ****) and like i have to work tomorrow and i'm just DREADING it. When i went in yesterday it killed me having to stand there and listen to every single ****ing customer and make conversation with ALL of them and pretend like it wasn't ****ing driving me nuts. Just the effort it takes to focus on every conversation and not zone out and just start nodding drains me by the time the day is over... I hate being like that. but what can i do? I see ppl and think they are judging me or if i manage to repress that i always end up saying something or taking something they say and in my head it's like "they hate me.. yep that just did it now i'm sure." and idk probably no one ****ing hates me because i'm so ****ing pathetic i don't even register to them!! it's like a circle of self loathing and it makes me just want to ****ing DIE!! i have so much anger, frustration, and bitterness . i tell myself someday it'll be better but someday is NEVER TODAY. I was propositioned with an opportunity to participate in an experimental depression medication cycle at like the major college in my downtown area, with 3 months of seriquil xr free, and frequent doctor visits to some of the best doctors in my area not to mention the financial compensation they're giving!! I'm hesitant b.c i've researched some of the side effects of the seriquil xr such as weight gain. the other more serious side effects really honestly don't ****ing phase me, i've done other scrips with probably more intense possible side effects with no bad results idgaf... but i am already sensitive in the EXTREME (did i mention self hatred??) about my weight so that's the kicker. but as ****ing miserable as ive felt lately i'm almost ready to say **** it and just do it!! opinions?

 

[upndwn]

First off, welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you are having a pretty hard time right now, so I don't know how well advice would sit with you. I've been down the road of self-pity and hatred myself on more than a few occasions so I know a thing or two about self-destructive behavior.

I have quit jobs and school because of my depression and utterly despise myself and my weakness some times. I don't know what keeps me going, but i guess any form of life is better than no life at all. At least I have a roof over my head and food on the table every day, so what do I really have to complain about right?

I generally expect the worst so when something good happens I have a tendency to blow it out of proportions and when the experience don't live up to my expectations it kind of blows up in my face and the blowback is ten times worse than it would have been if I had seen those experiences with more nuanced eyes.

The worst part is that I know exactly what I need to do to break this cycle, but whenever I get the chance I chicken out and go back to my little cave to wallow in self-hatred in the dark. It's like I'm walking up a steep hill, knowing that everything I want is at the other side, but when I reach the top I get this immense fear that there is nothing on the other side but a new hill, so instead I choose to get to the bottom of the hill again, because it's a place I feel safe and know well. But then it occurs to me that I have to climb that hill again if I ever want to make any progress in my life and not be stuck at the bottom of that hill forever. And so it continues, and has done for all of my life.

I don't know your medical history, nor am I a doctor so I am not sure what kind of advice I can give regarding the medical trials. I would suggest researching the effects of the drug and possibly talk to others who has been through the trial to see if there are any potential risks involved. I would probably do it if i were desperate enough though.

At any rate i wish you good luck, and hope you catch a break from all the bad s**t you have had to go through lately.

Peace

 

[SeniorRedrings]

It's okay.You're here now.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I'm sorry your experiencing a lot these last few days, and feel so alone and the world against you; and you are feeling horrible that you contemplate such things...

There's many here who can relate - I can with that intense self-loathing and thoughts of ending it all during a period a few years ago... but even though it seems like the sun's blotted black and hope is a word from fairytales; everything passes; so will this pain - it did for me, when I started to take some action and was so hard. STILL IS.

IF you do enough research about the trials, if you have your own doc you can speak with, that'd be best - it may be worthwhile, may not be, but it's something to do and try.

Good luck and hope (bah there's that fairytale word!) things get better for ya =D

 

[FriendlessGirl]

Hi,welcome to the forum. Sorry to know that you're feeling so bad lately. Its exactly the same with me. Don't worry. All of us are here,you can talk anytime you want to.

 

[cesgrandsyeux]

I don't think what I'm about to say in this first paragraph is particularly helpful advice, so don't consider what I'm about to say as anything related or relevant, but dread is an emotion that can either be overcome by rationalisation of fears or worries.. or living with it and then developing a spontaneous 'fight' mentality/response to work or school. Rationalisation of fear doesn't help me, if it has done in the past,it's been temporary,I'm still bothered by my anxieties. I find the only way to deal with dread is to find distractions constantly and then when it's time to 'face the music' just...get through it. You'll always always find it's not as bad as you imagined things to be. Promise

Hahaha, I know what you mean about the period thing. For a couple of days before, I am either a total moody **** to everyone or I'm ****ing depressed. Just know that it's temporary, and things will improve after your period,ennit. Do you mean your period is causing you physical pain? You said you can't tear yourself out of bed... if that's true, you need to see a doctor if you can't even get out of bed. If you just meant the hormones **** with your emotions, I think it can be controlled or managed at least a little. And if you want to know how, talk to meeee It's a bit awkward to be discussing PMS repression tips on here.

Ask yourself why you want others to like you. Is it certain people in particular? What makes their attention and friendship so unique (and therefore important) that it creates a feeling of self loathing? No-one is worth the time and effort spent on ridiculing and doubting yourself and your individuality. Nobody. And if they do, they're arses, and it says more about them than you if they have no valid reason for not wanting to be friends with you.
If you don't like your job, look for another. Unfortunately, work and school is a part of life. The majority of us ****ing detest it, I'm with you, I hate having to go to school 5 days a week to socialise and interact with mindless ****wits whilst coping with tonnes of schoolwork. But it's the prospect of being able to do things I do enjoy after and at the weekends that makes me appreciate them more, and therefore enjoy them more too.

I think most of us, as human beings, think we're being judged at some point. You're probably mistaken. If you're not, and you're certain they are judging you...so what? You feel self conscious for a moment, you move on and forget. Or you could learn not to care. Humans naturally look and judge, they're there for a moment, gone forever. You'll probably never see them again, what does it matter what they think? We all have our so called 'faults.' You're never going to be flawless.
Writing about your anger and frustration really helps. It's what I do, maybe you could try it. I've been brought up to be quite emotionally repressed,which means I can be quite an angry hostile person. Writing really helps, even if it's just once a week or whenever you need to.

Erm,so yeah. I don't think I really helped here,but okay.

 

[lilshwayne]

.........


first off, thanks to you and everyone who responded with feeling and care that is AWESOME

Do you mean your period is causing you physical pain? You said you can't tear yourself out of bed... if that's true, you need to see a doctor if you can't even get out of bed. If you just meant the hormones **** with your emotions, I think it can be controlled or managed at least a little. And if you want to know how, talk to meeee It's a bit awkward to be discussing PMS repression tips on here.

YES my period causes me physical pain!! I keep waiting and waiting and Praying on the effing thing to arrive because massive amounts of bloodflow (tmi sorry LOL) is better than all of my pms symptoms some of which are stiff muscles, stiff & sore lower back, shoulder pain (i have a knotted muscle on my left shoulder and something about my hormone levels kicks the sh*t off for a few days before i start...) also this month i had ExTReMEly bad cramps which is a rarity for me, now. when i was first starting it was almost every month, which i hear is normal... but for me I look at myself as having a relatively high pain tolerance and they're a 10 on my scale! Something about the feeling of them i just feel the urge to vomit from the pain, or pass out. Sometimes i get spots behind my eyes!! idk if this is normz or not but other than those is also pretty severe hormonal/emotional changes during my pms week or so (aka a severe and noticeable to others well at least my mother change in my mood) lol now that i'm writing all of this down it doesn't sound too good!!! And cesgrands, i'll pm you (;

somethings else interesting... you said

Ask yourself why you want others to like you. Is it certain people in particular? What makes their attention and friendship so unique (and therefore important) that it creates a feeling of self loathing?

very thought provoking lol (;
you mentioned writing, i'm an avid journal keeper and i agree, it is one (who am i kidding its usually the only) way of comfortably getting ALL of my feelings out, being able to bitch bitch bitch and let all that pent up emotion ive been repressing flow out to a totally willing and non judgemental second party. LOL probably i would say i've opened up more in my journals than i've ever been able to open up to any one person! at least i've had that, or i probably wouldve gone crazy loooong ago

and btw, you totally DID help just by caring enough to give genuine, heartfelt feedback!!