sorry double post pls delete this one.
Just putting myself forward here as a case:
Guy, parents divorced when 6, but remained friends, lived 14 days mom 14 days dad, 1 km. distance from each. Always been very very sensitive, I was brought up over-protected, first kindergarden I didn't like so my mom took me home and I was just there (she was a babysitter at that time). I remember her telling me that even one of those baby girls was treating me bad, and I didn't stand up for myself at all. All the way through school I was always sensitive, got in a fight and got beaten and cried, etc. Later when I was in 6. grade I startet hanging out with a "cool" crew, my friends the next 5 years, but I ended up in the role as one of the weak ones of the group since, again, I was so sensitive and never could say anything back or just get mad or beat up or whatever. When I was between 8 & 13 I was in love with one sweet girl, and one day I took up the courage and called her. He started seeing eachothers, just as friends basically, but suddenly one of the tougher guys started seeing her, and that day I had to sneak out as if she was embarrased of me...
I pushed away girls a bit, had lots of interests until I was around 19. By that time I had gone more bitter, thinking everyone were complete *******s, opportunists, everyone seemed fake, I isolated myself quite a lot. But I was a teenager still, and I thought it was nothing deeper within me. I fell in love with the most outgoing girl in the class after she had shown interest and we had kissed at some party. My world broke apart basically, and I kind of wanted to BE her, because she had all that I was missing, natural social skills, no bitterness, kind of a hippie-like chick. She seemed so genuine. I felt so empty and fake for all my "conscious" thoughts analysing situations to the last detail (because I was so sensitive so I was hurt by almost nothing... If I got too hurt, I started feeling detached from the world even more, hating even more, etc. Only by thinking things through did I feel I could cope with this (though it didn't really help lol)
Now, I'm 27 and I have still not managed to feel great about my life. I have had a girlfriend for 7 years, and I love her, we're also very similar, both shy and quiet, so we have a tendency to "pull eachother in that direction" in social situations. Which isn't good...
I still have this inner estrangement, strangeness, emptyness feeling at times, and it's triggered when: I feel that I fail socially or I get hurt (still oversensitive). I have had good friends analyse me, my parents too. My biggest problem is a feeling of detachment, which is triggered in certain situations where I feel pressured. Examples:
Lunch at work, dinners with 6 or more persons, anything socially related where I'm left behind in a way, dinner parties ("why are you so quiet?"), out dining with gf and there are listeners who can hear what we're saying.
Examples where I'm free of this:
Out at bars with friends, at home with girlfriend, by myself.
I had a friend over yesterday who gave me a harsh analysis and said that the following was very clear (he knows me well):
I've been brought up in an overprotective environment and kept away from anything "challenging" thus I haven't got a normal emotional ballast/barrier
My relationship with my girlfriend is purely based on comfortness (we haven't had sex for a year which is stupid).
In general I can only feel good if I'm in a "safe" situation. I don't know how to behave or act at a dinner party - i can only mimick others. I feel like I'm playing a role. If I insist, I've tried this for a period, to confront these social situations, to sort of FORCE myself into the habit of these things, then I get psychotic! I get even more detached from everything! It didn't help! I still haven't learned to solve it. And I feel unnatural and people can sometimes feel it or ask if I'm OK.
I think it's all about this "safety zone". For some reason I feel unsafe. When I tried to confront and engage constantly in these social situations, I think I did it the wrong way around. I think I actually took the unsafeness, and replaced my only safety feel with a constant unsafeness - so I had NO resting point! Now, if only it could be the other way 'round: If I could somehow take the unsafe situations, and make them safe gradually, it would be cool.
I've tried this. But, an example, when I visited my gf we went to her school etc. and people remarked that we were a perfect match (both very shy and quiet). I can see that sweet to say. But this just puts me in that exact role I'm fighting to get out of. Also we had a meeting at work, where we all ate etc. also, took about an hour. Everyone was having fun, I was just ... Observing. Every time this stuff happens, I feel like I'm doomed to forever remain inside my brain, different... Like I lack something that others have natural.
And as I posted in the other threat, even my feelings are "delayed" or "reflective". It's like I can't feel intense happiness or intense love. It's like it's always just pleasant at max. but nothing more. :thinking: Sometimes I think I'm just different and that's that. But I often realize that I don't like this. I don't like lacking so much engagement in life. I don't want to feel detached in situations where I shouldn't. If I'm going to sweden to visit my gf, I don't want to spin my brain about others percieve us, about my feelings for her, about my selfperception, etc. not being able to sleep. I don't want to feel like we're weird. I don't want to think that I can't love, or that I can't meet others unless it's on my terms. I'm sick of it...
Just putting myself forward here as a case:
Guy, parents divorced when 6, but remained friends, lived 14 days mom 14 days dad, 1 km. distance from each. Always been very very sensitive, I was brought up over-protected, first kindergarden I didn't like so my mom took me home and I was just there (she was a babysitter at that time). I remember her telling me that even one of those baby girls was treating me bad, and I didn't stand up for myself at all. All the way through school I was always sensitive, got in a fight and got beaten and cried, etc. Later when I was in 6. grade I startet hanging out with a "cool" crew, my friends the next 5 years, but I ended up in the role as one of the weak ones of the group since, again, I was so sensitive and never could say anything back or just get mad or beat up or whatever. When I was between 8 & 13 I was in love with one sweet girl, and one day I took up the courage and called her. He started seeing eachothers, just as friends basically, but suddenly one of the tougher guys started seeing her, and that day I had to sneak out as if she was embarrased of me...
I pushed away girls a bit, had lots of interests until I was around 19. By that time I had gone more bitter, thinking everyone were complete *******s, opportunists, everyone seemed fake, I isolated myself quite a lot. But I was a teenager still, and I thought it was nothing deeper within me. I fell in love with the most outgoing girl in the class after she had shown interest and we had kissed at some party. My world broke apart basically, and I kind of wanted to BE her, because she had all that I was missing, natural social skills, no bitterness, kind of a hippie-like chick. She seemed so genuine. I felt so empty and fake for all my "conscious" thoughts analysing situations to the last detail (because I was so sensitive so I was hurt by almost nothing... If I got too hurt, I started feeling detached from the world even more, hating even more, etc. Only by thinking things through did I feel I could cope with this (though it didn't really help lol)
Now, I'm 27 and I have still not managed to feel great about my life. I have had a girlfriend for 7 years, and I love her, we're also very similar, both shy and quiet, so we have a tendency to "pull eachother in that direction" in social situations. Which isn't good...
I still have this inner estrangement, strangeness, emptyness feeling at times, and it's triggered when: I feel that I fail socially or I get hurt (still oversensitive). I have had good friends analyse me, my parents too. My biggest problem is a feeling of detachment, which is triggered in certain situations where I feel pressured. Examples:
Lunch at work, dinners with 6 or more persons, anything socially related where I'm left behind in a way, dinner parties ("why are you so quiet?"), out dining with gf and there are listeners who can hear what we're saying.
Examples where I'm free of this:
Out at bars with friends, at home with girlfriend, by myself.
I had a friend over yesterday who gave me a harsh analysis and said that the following was very clear (he knows me well):
I've been brought up in an overprotective environment and kept away from anything "challenging" thus I haven't got a normal emotional ballast/barrier
My relationship with my girlfriend is purely based on comfortness (we haven't had sex for a year which is stupid).
In general I can only feel good if I'm in a "safe" situation. I don't know how to behave or act at a dinner party - i can only mimick others. I feel like I'm playing a role. If I insist, I've tried this for a period, to confront these social situations, to sort of FORCE myself into the habit of these things, then I get psychotic! I get even more detached from everything! It didn't help! I still haven't learned to solve it. And I feel unnatural and people can sometimes feel it or ask if I'm OK.
I think it's all about this "safety zone". For some reason I feel unsafe. When I tried to confront and engage constantly in these social situations, I think I did it the wrong way around. I think I actually took the unsafeness, and replaced my only safety feel with a constant unsafeness - so I had NO resting point! Now, if only it could be the other way 'round: If I could somehow take the unsafe situations, and make them safe gradually, it would be cool.
I've tried this. But, an example, when I visited my gf we went to her school etc. and people remarked that we were a perfect match (both very shy and quiet). I can see that sweet to say. But this just puts me in that exact role I'm fighting to get out of. Also we had a meeting at work, where we all ate etc. also, took about an hour. Everyone was having fun, I was just ... Observing. Every time this stuff happens, I feel like I'm doomed to forever remain inside my brain, different... Like I lack something that others have natural.
And as I posted in the other threat, even my feelings are "delayed" or "reflective". It's like I can't feel intense happiness or intense love. It's like it's always just pleasant at max. but nothing more. :thinking: Sometimes I think I'm just different and that's that. But I often realize that I don't like this. I don't like lacking so much engagement in life. I don't want to feel detached in situations where I shouldn't. If I'm going to sweden to visit my gf, I don't want to spin my brain about others percieve us, about my feelings for her, about my selfperception, etc. not being able to sleep. I don't want to feel like we're weird. I don't want to think that I can't love, or that I can't meet others unless it's on my terms. I'm sick of it...
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