HOW DO YOU ELIMINATE SELF-DOUBT?

[allergic2kryptonit]

I am feeling very insecure since my girlfriend dumped me. Actually, it started before that and I'm convinced that's why she dumped me. Who wants to be with a guy who's feeling less than confident?? No offense ladies, but you're lucky. You can act emotionally and be insecure and it's no problem. But when us guys are feeling anxious or insecure, we get kicked to the curb for being weak!!

I think all my problems (social anxiety, depression, low self esteem) are learned, and i'd like to unlearn them...

But, apparently my biggest mistake wasn't having these problems, but failure to hide them from my girlfriend!! :x

 

[Warlock]

I wish that I had hid my problems from my girlfriend too. I will hide them from my next girlfriend if I get another girlfriend anytime soon.

 

[Jack-B]

The problem here lies in the very fact that you are trying to be someone else for someone else.

To be truely self confident, it's perfectly ok to say, "i'm feeling unhappy or nervous or anxious". I do this all the time, then there's no need to hold onto it make it more real than what it is, which is in any case a momentary state of mind, let it go. It's like watching thoughts in your mind and just watching them pass, everyone experiences negative thoughts, so why not share how you feel?

Telling people you feel insecure is in actual fact extremely courageous and closer to the truth of things, it's like you can accept whats happening and you dont mind sharing it, others usually relate in a more open way when this happens as they let their guard down aswell.

The big problem comes from hiding it all, based on what we think others may think of us. We hold onto our anxiety and problems. Transitory, its like holding barbed wire as it's being pulled through our hands.

If you cant be yourself, who can you be?

Jack

 

[savage_beagle]

just change your perception

This was a long standing problem of mine for a very long time. I wouldn't say i am 100% doubt free today, but thats normal. I really think it would be hard to find a doubt free person in this world. To change your doubting mind, you have to change your perception of yourself. We attack our own selves with thoughts of failure and losing face, then those thoughts become our reality. So one should look back at past accomplishments and recognize the many successes and use them to motivate themselves on yet another successful attempt. Some of it comes from positively thinking about yourself and of whatever it is you intend on doing or saying. Our minds are filled with too much negativity and fear, it needs to be calmed and replaced with peaceful and positive thoughts about ourselves and others. Often, we just overthink way too much...and if you can just block out all the crappy thoughts and just plunge into whatever you do. See yourself as that ''I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT'' person, and dont be afraid to step forward.

 

[allergic2kryptonit]

Yeah, you guys are absolutely right.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi allergictokryptonite,

I'm still working on answering your question my self. so far, what I've come up with is to notice that a combination of changing thoughts (requiring some introspection and self-examination) with some action and putting into practice these new thoughts, is my best chance.

If you want, you can take a look at the thread I started called 'How to change Root Thoughts'. In it, I've copied advice and ideas of other people; and their advice seems really valuable.

But, as for your saying that you wish you could have hidden your anxiety and self-doubt from your girlfriend -if anything, this need to hide your self and disown parts of yourself makes you experience yourself as weak and leads to rejection when who this part of who you are comes out. ...but if you found a way to accept this part of you and integrate it into the rest of you, your weakness would disappear. The way you are looking at it now, hides it for a little while but in the mean time you make it more real.

Remember this spiritual saying: "What you resist persists, but what you look at disappears". ...and see how you are granting reality to something 'bad' ONLY because how you look at things makes you see this part of you as only 'bad'.

Can you see the pattern? ....that it's because you're trying to hide your weakness (avoid it and hide it) that you actually make it bigger and more real than what it is? -in fact, you actually make it bad only based on how you think. That, if you found a way to accept it and bring it into balance with the rest of you -then superman would truly be superman. You'd be superman without an achille's heel. You'd have no weakness. But whilst you hide something about yourself, you call a part of yourself 'bad', unnacceptable and 'weak' -so, you can only eventually fall privy to this and superman is brought down. Then you kind of end-up being split into the stong, good side and the weak, bad side.

And another spiritual saying is: "Everyone who makes himself great will be humbled, and everyone who humbles himself will be made great"; and, similar to this -"the greatest one among you humbles himself". ...so, if you see 'strength' and 'goodness' in this sense, you can see how you have nothing to fear in terms of accepting your weakness as part of you -since this is what defines a person as the 'strongest'.

...you'll have to see through societies standards and ideas about what is 'good' and 'strong'. You'll have to develop your 'x-ray' vision to see through all these illusions. ...and, remember that a strong man makes his own rules and has mercy and ability to accept the weak.

-Anyhow, you probably already know most of the above. Yet, society can give you one message and maybe it is good to hear an alternative one once in a while. ...That your ideas about what a man should be in the world are obviously not true lasting values for what is strong and good. -A material truth is always only a temporary one -and it's value falls apart with time. But a spiritual truth stands the test of time and then the person that sees it and makes it their truth will then be seen by others as being the strongest. But you have to be brave enough to be seen as weak sometimes if you want to get to be strong.

And, trust me, women may go for the show-off strong seeming types; but someone like Jesus who respects and accepts weakness ends up getting all the chicks.(Notice that he was followed around by so many women) -Women sooner or later discover who the true Alpha male is. There's nothing more appealing to a woman than a man who shows acceptance and mercy to the weak.

 

[allergic2kryptonit]

Hey LittleMissMuffet, you are very wise. I guess I've just been depressed. I did nothing wrong in the relationship, I was strong by letting her get to really know me (strengths and weaknesses). It's only after she dumped me in a very immature and hurtful way that I've been second-guessing myself.

What you said about girls going for the show off strong seeming types (cocky) is all too true. They don't seem to see past the superficial facade, to see that those guys are only human too... :roll:

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Yeah, when I was younger I mostly went for the superficial cocky types.
...Then I came across what Carl Jung called the 'double bind' . According to Jung, men often suffer an identity crisis (which largely centres around gender and sexuality) during middle-age; whilst for women, this crisis of identity tends to occur earlier, during their twenties. (I think that they say that women in their early twenties tend to suffer a lot of stress).

So, what you say about men having more pressure to look strong and capable in society is probably true; but, I would say that it would be generally the case - that it may also depend. Just like, the 'double bind' where women feel pressure to have sex as well as to not have sex (I think it's called the 'madonna vs slut' conflict or something :wink: ); yet this is also only a general truth and people experience things differently in their life according to their individual experience and personality (afterall, not all women are like me )
I read that our society cannot stand to see a man be emotional in public just as it cannot stand to see a woman enjoying sex openly. ...so I guess that the genders each have their own prejudices and pressures to deal with.

As for your saying that girls can't see past the superficial facade and appreciate men as being human -I know what you mean. It's really difficult having to do this -since when you have to be strong, being strong for 'one' requires being strong for 'two'. Yet, if you're wise you could decide to view this as a reflection on womens' own personal difficulty in their ability to accept weakness; which could only reflect on how they treat themselves, and will get treated. ...It may be very hard to appreciate this right now; but try not to second guess yourself. The other side to your statement is that such women are only 'human' too, and that is why they make such mistakes.

...I find that when I feel or think that someone views me as lesser or as weak, that I can tell my self that I'll trust my 'heart' instead of my 'head'. That I'll look past those 'attacks' to my self esteem and just listen to my own voice. ...It takes the weight off of me. Sometimes your 'heart' knows the truth better than your thoughts do - which sometimes just question and question what you know within to be true.

But, you know that what I wrote before is the truth. Why you recognised it as truth - as 'wise' -is simply that your 'heart' already knows it.

What I mean is that deep down you already know what the truth is. ...so maybe then look past the bullshit. If you look past it and hold on to what you know and believe deep down to be true, you'll end-up granting reality to your own best and most truthful beliefs about your self. and the other version(s) of 'truth' will get smaller and smaller as you see through them and view them as illusions. And when you see something as an illusion it will have no power over you. ...so, your girlfriend chose to see an illusion but you can focus your ability to see it as one.

 

[Kinetik]

Allergic, honestly, don't feel regret about what happened. The fact that you were able to get the whole thing to the point of a relationship is great in and of itself. That means you do have qualities, that you are attractive and can show it despite your SA, and that's a real achievement. But it's not like you can flip a switch overnight and be a certain person for someone else. That's both unfeasible and an unfair representation of who you are. You need to know that the traits you possess are not undesirable - you simply weren't compatible with this particular woman. The problem is, young women are generally attracted to the more confident, unpredictable types. That doesn't mean you have to be that way, it just means you need to do some homework. Assess who YOU want to be with. That's so important, because I'm sure you know yourself that you wouldn't want to be involved with a shallow woman who was big on superficiality. So put yourself in the driver's seat - establish that it's you doing the selecting. Years of self-doubt can destroy the feeling that you have choices, but you really, honestly do. You never have to sit there thinking "well I'll take what I can get" because nothing could be further from the truth. Look around and think about the characteristics you do and don't like, and do this proactively when you're thinking of someone in terms of a potential partner. This control has the added benefit of making you appear more confident, so it's doubly good. And once you've sussed out that this could work, realistically, then you're on to a winner. So just find yourself a more suitable woman (once you're ready) and get right back at it because you're doing great.

And Muffet, when you write your book, you WILL personally sign my copy, SA or not.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Thanks kinetic -that's nice of you to say.
I don't know whether I know enough to write a book, though.
Perhaps I could paint you a picture instead? ...I'm really more of an artist than a writer.

I think your posts are pretty cool 8) . Down to earth, positive and insightful. In fact, you seem very insightful for a person your age; with a good degree of social grace for someone who's been labelled as having 'social phobia' -well, actually, quite a lot of social grace for anyone!

 

[jayfan]

I am feeling very insecure since my girlfriend dumped me. Actually, it started before that and I'm convinced that's why she dumped me. Who wants to be with a guy who's feeling less than confident?? No offense ladies, but you're lucky. You can act emotionally and be insecure and it's no problem. But when us guys are feeling anxious or insecure, we get kicked to the curb for being weak!!

I think all my problems (social anxiety, depression, low self esteem) are learned, and i'd like to unlearn them...

But, apparently my biggest mistake wasn't having these problems, but failure to hide them from my girlfriend!! :x

my girl understands or at least says she does. im very insecure, she is too though so its understandable(just not as much as i am). i hope she doesnt get tired of it. whenever im not around her or i cant get a hold of her i ask her whos shes talking to or what is she doing. i have a hard time trusting her. she says it hurts her that i can't fully trust her but she works with me .



. i used to think i was the ugliest guy on earth but around the sametime i got with my girl many girls have hit on me or asked about me - its weird. i still need lots of help to eliminate my self-doubt. its freakin annoying. however there is some good advice in this thread. we've just got to work on it.

 

[Kinetik]

Thanks kinetic -that's nice of you to say.
I don't know whether I know enough to write a book, though.
Perhaps I could paint you a picture instead? ...I'm really more of an artist than a writer.

I think your posts are pretty cool 8) . Down to earth, positive and insightful. In fact, you seem very insightful for a person your age; with a good degree of social grace for someone who's been labelled as having 'social phobia' -well, actually, quite a lot of social grace for anyone!

Thank you, I wasn't expecting that. I have issues same as everyone else here, but I do notice that they're slightly different to some of the things I've been reading. Makes me a bit hesitant to talk about them. That's why I feel more at ease discussing the things I've learned rather than what I personally still need to work on. Maybe I need to do some Jesus-style opening up. In any case, you're very perceptive and a great contributor here. I love reading your stuff, and I'll take the picture too.

 

[random]

Allergic,
I believe that we tell one another that we are insecure to explain our behavior to them and to try to trust them. If they are comfortable with their own insecurities - they can often 'handle' us having them too.
Some people can't accept their own insecurities and are looking to hang on to us because they hope we are stronger - fearless, more secure.
Others don't know themselves very well and they don't believe they have any insecurities or weaknesses of any kind. That makes it hard for them to accept us. They leave to find someone without any weakness (good luck with that).
Sometimes it's none of these - they are just different personalities that we would never really be compatible with long term even if neither of us had insecurities. There are worthwhile important things about us, and important, worthwhile things about them - but together we don't work. A person might discover weakness in the other and declare THAT is the reason to leave - when in fact it's that for some other reason, they sense a difference that they can't describe and they want out.
WIth my SA, I avoid making eye contact and rarely get the nerve to date anyone. If a man can't make eyecontact with me then he is MUCH less likely to *gasp* ask me out! The men I have dated have had insecurities too - it wouldn't occur to me to leave them for that, or to be cruel to them for that. I forgot how tough it is for men - but I don't think you should hide human vulnerabilities from women. Can you be really close to someone you hide your heart and thoughts from?
Though I am a woman, I hide my fears, or try to, in many situations and then my other women friends end up literally hiding behind me when scarey things happen. Aside from the office discomfort there - I do get tired of presenting myself as something I am not - fearless. So tired. The way the men on this thread describe woman's expectations of stainless steel confidence - well it sounds absolutely exhausting.
I am going to therapy, praying, and reading books to try to fill in the crater where my self confidence should be and I think I would like to learn how to become a better 'detective' - figure out how to know whom to trust and when to start trusting them - learn when it is 'safe' to confide my insecurities etc.