How do you deal with people who put you down?

[Fefe]

Hi there!

I have just been scrolling through websites looking for the answer to a similar problem that you have. I was depressed when I was at secondary school and had really low self-esteem and I became stuck in that role as a person among my friends. Then I went to uni and I felt so free and my confidence improved no end. I felt attractive and I was attractive. Blokes liked me and I had more contacts, but I wouldn't call them all true friends, not the ones I had a great time with anyway. Part of the reason I had such a good time was that I was independent, we all used to go out to the student bar and seperate off, it wasn't always down to choice but it was so liberating and I had such a good time. I made a comment about how great life was at uni to my friends back home and although on the surface they were happy, they took my comments to mean that I thought them boring. [there is a point to all this, honest!]. Anyway, I hadn't said that to them and infact I regarded my home friends as the true ones at the time. I still had the role of follower when I was at home plus the added bad point that I was surrounded by people and places that made me feel that way so it felt impossible to break out and I found myself feeling more isolated which lead me back to feeling crap about myself again. Then I went travelling this year. I had planned it for awhile and it was a great challenge and experience for me. Afew years ago I would never have thought I could do it, but I could. It hit me one day that I didn't HAVE to follow the plan I had set for the day, there was no guilt for having to worry about how other people would feel. It sounds as though you might think alot about what your friends think and feel too and in doing so you may well be overlooking what you need, just like I was. I REALLY noticed things with my friends when I got home thoug. I just hadn't realised how negative my best friend was up until then. Even with me finnding positives with everything she would find negatives and often about me, but hidden slightly like you have had happen. What is happening in your friends lives at the moment? The friends that have been negative to me are those that are not where they thought they would be at the moment. It might be that your friends are envious of you. Alternatively it might be their own low-self esteem that is making them put you down. Just remember thought that you have put up with their negativity and therefore you have strength.

The negative friends I have have been friends with me for almost half my life, some for all of it so to break the ties would feel like cutting off a family member. It's up to you how you handle the situation, I am still a little undecided as to what to do. keep positive is what I am determined to do. There is something very sad about someone who can't be happy even when they are bombarded with happy, positive messages. I have been doing this and it is amazing how they just can't stop being negative!

There are so many things to be happy about in the world but I totally understand how you are feeling right now. Have you got any hobbies or interests where you could meet knew people? I know, that sounds abit crap as it isn't the easiest thing to make knew friends but it would be worth a try.

One last thing. I have been reading this brilliant book and as we are going through the same thing you might be interested in it too. It is called Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, you can get it on Amazon. I highly recommend it.

You sound like a nice person to me so don't beat yourself up about things when friends are negative, they are just deflecting any horrible comments away from themselves. You are better than that and that is something that you should feel proud about.

Fefe

 

[4myself]

Wow, Fefe, thanks for sharing that!. 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' is one of those books that I want to read but just havent got round to it.

As an addendum to this post, I have cut off contact with several people who persisted in being nasty even after I had talked to them repeatedly about it and I am feeling so much happier and confident now. Thanks to all the people on this site, you are really great!.

 

[Horatio]

The easiest way to make yourself look taller is to stand on someone you are envious of. It's the basest of human nature to try to make ourselves look more important by pulling down those around us. If we could only see that raising ourselves up on the shoulders of those we admire will make us taller, we'd all be better off. But that'll never happen in my short lifetime. And of course, the question is..why do we believe the people who hat us but scoff at the people who love us. I think that;s the worst part of SA.

I agree with you in part, but I have also been in a lot of situations where the people who are using me as a doormat have no reason to be envious of me but seem to stand on me purely for the fun of it

I have come to believe that underneath the sugar coated fairy bread wrapping we all pretend to have, human beings are at heart all cruel creatures who love nothing more than to watch others in discomfort

humans are competitive by nature and to see someone else fail is fuel for the human spirit

if you don't believe me, turn the clock back.... 1920s America where ten thousand white people would crowd around to watch a black man be hung/burnt/shot/genitals cut off and then barter with nickles for peices of his still warm bone as souvineers... or take a trip back to 1850s England and stand outside newgate prison, watch a crowd of thousands cheering as another man has a rope put around his neck and his life estinguished there for all to see

I don't for one minute believe that we as people have changed one bit, although noone admits it we all have that nature within us still, the masses still enjoy watching others in discomfort

causing suffering and grief to others is a natural thing in this world of ours, and we with SP who cant stick up for ourselves are natural targets

I for one am fed up with it but I can only either live with it or die with it

 

[double_user]

The easiest way to make yourself look taller is to stand on someone you are envious of.

Hey that's a nice quote. Where'd you get that from? The only part i disgree with is that people don't actually target those that they are envious of - you can't insult someone you are envious of because if you are envious of them then that means that they are higher than you.

 

[just-jonny]

It Takes No Talent, No Brains & No Character To Critics. Only God Can Create A Flower But Any Foolish Child Can Pull It To Pieces. When People Are Hostile or Rude, When They Say Cruel or Unkind Things, It Is Invariably A Reflection Of Their Own Troubled Spirit Rather Than a Reflection Of You.

 

[blubs]

It Takes No Talent, No Brains & No Character To Critics. Only God Can Create A Flower But Any Foolish Child Can Pull It To Pieces. When People Are Hostile or Rude, When They Say Cruel or Unkind Things, It Is Invariably A Reflection Of Their Own Troubled Spirit Rather Than a Reflection Of You.

this is something I'll try to remember

 

[just-jonny]

This short poem has helped me at times in my life when people felt the need to put me down, hope it can help a few other people on here.

 

[scatmantom]

i am a total wimp and used to get alot of sh1t off people. But now i dont stand for it. Just give back wot ever u get...not in the work place obviously. If ur gettin bullied by a boss then speak 2 the person above them...things will be sorted!

 

[silverwolf]

Don't ever take shit off you they would ruin your life if u gave them the chance. Just stand up look them in the face and tell them to go and f*** themselves you don't need ignorant, worthless, morons like them in your life.

 

[Sable]

When I was picked on in school I was always told my my parents and my teachers: "Just ignore them and they will go away". What a load of bollocks. I spent the whole of my school life pretending to ignore the constant barrage of insults. It made me withdrawn to the point that I couldn't lift my head and make eye contact with anyone for the terror that they might notice me. They noticed anyway, but I had lost all ability to defend myself. I will never, ever tell my children (if I have any) to ignore bullies. It is the worst piece of advice I have ever been given. Don't accept people putting you down. It is not their right.

Incidentally, last year (my first in college), I was the object of some very unwelcome attentions from another student in my class - a 'mature' student of 54 years (I'm 21). Within a week he was making inappropriate suggestions, inviting me to stay over at his house and the like. He followed me everywhere, and it freaked me out. I took it and took it, I couldn't bear the thought of standing up for myself. Other people noticed and took my side (turns out he did it to 3 other girls the previous year, 2 of whom complained). They all told me to stand up for myself, but I couldn't. I ended up going to my guidance teacher, and he had a 'quiet word', which didn't work; he had his arm around me an hour later. I complained again the same day after college. I was so wound up I could barely speak. I ended up running away from my teacher, going to my car and crying the whole way home. The guy ended up with a written warning, but to no avail. He just hid it during classes, but would wait for me in the car park. He started telling me he loved me, and following me home in the car. I drove at 90mph at one point, but he wouldn't get off my tail. This was the final straw. The next day I walked up to him and yelled at him till I was out of breath. He yelled back, and we had a HUGE arguement. My friend heard it, and a lecturer heard it, and I was shaking and close to tears by the end, but I didn't show it. Although it didn't work entirely, and he contiuned to bother me, it felt so good to let it all out. We had several more arguements before the end of the year, but I was no longer afraid to stand up against him. He didn't come back this year.

I think that particular incident has made me stronger against people who would make me feel bad, and I'm not so afraid to stand up for myself as I was.

 

[magda74]

It Takes No Talent, No Brains & No Character To Critics. Only God Can Create A Flower But Any Foolish Child Can Pull It To Pieces. When People Are Hostile or Rude, When They Say Cruel or Unkind Things, It Is Invariably A Reflection Of Their Own Troubled Spirit Rather Than a Reflection Of You.

Yeah I agree. I have trouble sometimes with the sly rude person. You know the one who will never say anything directly, but slyly insults people. They're never talking about you. They act like they're talking over everyone's head. I'd prefer someone outwardly obnoxious than that. When I was younger I would totally wilt with people like that. Now I just don't stand for it.