How do you deal with people who put you down?

[4myself]

lately I have been thinking about why I am always putting myself down and talking about myself in a negative way in front of other people. In my own mind I am usually o.k, but when I get into a conversation with others I start to bag myself out. I realised that I am surrounded by a lot of people who are very negative towards me, (and others too) and I think thats why I run myself down, because I am so used to hearing other people say bad stuff to me that I automatically just play along. Anyway I dont want to do this anymore so I am distancing myself from people who are negative with me and I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle these types of people?, especially the ones who pretend to be your friends and smile when they insult you, I really want to lose them!.

 

[jesuschristschild]

i will throw my advice in, it never HAS to be followed, but its food for thought

if you love those who put you down, and humble yourself before their words, it wont bother you

by love i mean, open your heart to their soul, love them passed all they done, and take the entire veiw off you, love is selfless

when you do this, you will see them in a whole new light, and you will understand them, and you wont believe what they said about yourself,.........you know you love someone when you see them like a family member

Jesus said to love your enemies, and it has a reward, because God made us

also dont put yourself down, your of infinite worth, you just cant see it yet

much love

 

[inthesameboat]

here is some advice

If you really think that they are your friends tell them that there lame comments on your expense really suck and hurt your feelings. If they continue after letting them know your wishes then you really know who your friends are.

 

[4myself]

thanks inthesameboat, I know that a lot of these people aren't my friends thats why I am trying to get away from them, however there are a few that I am not sure about so I will use that technique on them. You are absolutely spot on with that as I have used that on the people that I am now trying to get rid of and it hasn't made any difference so I think your advice is a good test of peoples true feelings towards you.

JesusChristschild, you are often talking about humbling yourself, can you explain a bit about what you mean by that?. Interestingly some of the people I am trying to cut out of my life are Christians who definetley need to learn how to be humble! Instead of thinking that everyone is evil except them.

 

[redlady]

It sounds like you talk down about yourself to those people as a pre-emptive strike - you get to yourself before they can get to you. I think you have made the right decision to distance yourself from those kinds of people. Who needs to be surrounded by people who are going to make you feel bad about yourself. We have enough to deal with - true friends want what is best for you and are those who build you up not tear you down. Nothing gets to me more than those people who try and disguise an insult behind a smile - there is something so cunning and slimey about that.
People will treat you a certain way if they are 'allowed' to - my sister has always been very abrasive towards me and in the past i have just taken it for the sake of keeping the peace. But it got to a point where i could no longer do that so i became just as harsh towards her in return, and what do you know she is no longer that way with me anymore. If people have the frame of mind to treat you a certain way they will continue to do so unless you give them a reason not to my friend. I know it is easier said than done, confrontation is hard - but there comes a point where you have to stand up for yourself.

 

[4myself]

You just gave me an AHA moment redlady, a pre-emptive strike, of course, thanks for that. Do you think that being nasty back to people is really the best way to solve things?. I guess it would work if it was someone you had to put up with and the saying does go that most bullies will back down if they're confronted. That is worth me thinking about at least. I always laugh about what I would like to say to these people in response and it usually takes me biting my lip to keep it back.

 

[redlady]

Ooooh i don't believe i have ever given anyone an 'AHA moment' before, you're welcome. You know it may not be the best way but it is a way that i have found that works - like you said bullies back down when they are confronted. It is not something that i like to do but it gets them off my back - it makes them think 'if i open my mouth to be nasty to this person this is what i am going to get back in return' - so they don't. You might want to try talking to them first though - you never know they might respond to that. I hesitate to reveal my hurt feelings to people like that lest they use it against me - which is why i opt for the be nasty back attitude. Look man you do what is right for you and what you feel comfortable with.

 

[jesuschristschild]

JesusChristschild, you are often talking about humbling yourself, can you explain a bit about what you mean by that?. Interestingly some of the people I am trying to cut out of my life are Christians who definetley need to learn how to be humble! Instead of thinking that everyone is evil except them.

if i were to humble myself.......id become content with things and let go....let go of your worries, just let go, if you look stupid oh well.....kill your pride, and let all your flaws hang out

 

[4myself]

I think theres a fine balance between talking yourself up and being OTT and pretending to be better than you are. JesusChristschild I can see a point that if you are honest about things then it takes alot of power away from other people who want to put you down, well thats my way of thinking about what you said anyway.

 

[redlady]

4myself wrote:

and being OTT

What is that - OTT?

 

[blubs]

OTT
I think that stands for over-the-top..

I've always dealt with people putting me down by internally dissolving into a messy heap, shuttling off and then beating myself endlessly with the insults like a big stick.

I recieved so much criticism and so many insults from my family...that when my friends were the same I didn't even think they were doing anything wrong. So I've never had any 'good' friends.
With my family though....I have managed to cut them out of my life quite a lot, and that distance helps...then when you are not so constantly cut down it allows your confidence to grow a little, which means if you are insulted...its not so devastating, so its easier to stand up for yourself.

I'm not sure I understand 'being humble'...but I think its something different to feeling inferior...which is what I always felt.

 

[Egmanns]

My Advise

I know where your coming from and ill give u my advise. First of all you have to determine whether they are putting you down or if they are just joking around. Do they talk like that to other people? I believe that if people see you as being unconfident they will try to bring you down to make themselves feel better, its the nature of insecurity. So have a realistic think about it and decide whether they are putting you down or joking. Like i said if they are joking then joke back however if they are genuinely being mean then you HAVE to lose them. You will never feel better about yourself if you have people like that around, on the other hand if u lose them it may boost your self esteem. People like that dont deserve people like you and thats the truth. Find someother non judgemental friends like at a youth group or something. I know its hard but its something you have to do, its like being in a violent relationship, you may love the other person but you have to know that this is a negative. Anyways hope this helps.

 

[redlady]

Thanks for the definition. I had a similar experience with my family - it was harder as a kid because you were not allowed to defend yourself - get this because it was considered rude and you shouldn't disrespect people who are older than you - for fucks sake, that just kills me. I promised myself that when i got older and was not at the mercy of that bullshit i would always defend myself.

 

[cody2468]

I used to be like that. I got so used to people putting me down that I started to do it myself without realising it. I was so negative and down on myself. I'm at the stage now where I refuse to let people like that get to me. I think I deserve to be treated with respect just like everyone else. I used to use the be nasty back approach and it does work but I dont like sinking down to their level. If they want to be like that then good luck to them.
I no longer give people like that the time of day. If they ever comment on why I dont want to talk to them anymore or ask whats wrong I usually come straight out and tell them I dont like the way they treat me.

 

[Isawthelight]

dealing with those who put you down

I know how frustrating and awful it is to try to deal with those who seem so damn "skilled" in being able to dish out insults while smiling and are still considered socially acceptable while we are left with the red faces and weak voices getting all bent out of shape trying to defend ourselves. We're the ones with no friends while those assholes seem to be popular with all the other assholes out there just like them. My brother and sister in law are like that. My brother is a psychiatrist and sis in law is a physical therapist. On the surface they seem like very good natured people. However, it seems that they thrive on throwing little insults toward my wife and i. When I think about it away from the situation, it really hurts. I want to strike back at them but they're family and knowing me i'd do it in an overly crude and inappropriate manner. I wish I could be skilled at being a good insulter, especially in front of others. That seems like a strange wish to have but I think it would give me some peace knowing that I put those smug assholes in their place at times!

 

[thugaveli]

I know how you mean with playing along with them, actually i think its the best method then they might just give up and decide your untouchable but sometimes its annoying

Bring them down with you, thats what i say they dont like their own medicine, add some sarcasm to it
Im always pre-thinking whitty comments and sarcasm for when the time comes, but i just gotta spit it out and sometimes it comes out at the wrong time

Don't let people walk on you and control you, dont be ashamed to stand up anyone else would, you soon put people in their place when you stand up to them

Go let it out!

Good luck matey

 

[Boundless]

Anyway I dont want to do this anymore so I am distancing myself from people who are negative with me and I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle these types of people?, especially the ones who pretend to be your friends and smile when they insult you, I really want to lose them!.

I find that a Glock 9 works best TOTALLY KIDDING! I think that you distancing yourself from those destructive people is a great method! Also, if they say something snotty you can say "Wow, that was completely rude" and just give them the "what were ya thinkin'!" look. Works pretty well most of the time.

I combat each insult as it comes and try to differentiate between good teasing and destructive teasing. Rolled up to work listening to a disco song that makes me feel good and one co-worker just said "Bring the noise!" and that's fine he was really being funny But another gal said "OMG, you were not listening to the Bee Gee's!", like I just poo'd on her carpet, so I said "Sure was! *Big Smile* I just Looove that song!" and walked away singing it. I even got an apology from her later.

If they persist after you've made a stand you might want to just say whatever and walk away. People like that aren't real friends anyway, which I've had to learn myself. Realising that they are destructive toward you is the most important part and now you know what's up And what you want to do. That's powerful

Glock 9 i hope you are kidding! you need a colt 45 ata best :roll:

 

[4myself]

Thank you so much for all your advice and support people!. I really appreciate it!. If you have anymore please keep it coming.

Grumblina I love the "wow, thats completely rude" saying!. I laughed so hard when I read it and I think I will use it. It is to the point without being rude back.

 

[wutnow]

I used to be like that. I got so used to people putting me down that I started to do it myself without realising it. I was so negative and down on myself. I'm at the stage now where I refuse to let people like that get to me.

Me too Cody - I'm just not having it anymore. And in fact, it rarely happens. Oh, they do it behind my back, but so what? They know I know they're doing it, so all they've done is built-in a bunch of wide-berth awkwardness around the office that only they abide by. It's a kind of freaked-out, self-induced, fear of conflict (paranoia)/ avoidant behavior that precludes any chance at a friendly relationship.

I'm not as patient as I should be, but if someone's an obvious :sshole or questionable as such, I just leave them alone.

There's not enough time left for that stuff. Even if there was, it's not worth it.

My feelings don't really get hurt by it, but I do wonder exactly what they are saying. So, I'm not so strong in that area.

Grumblina's post offers some great insight as usual.

Good topic.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

this isn't exactly good advice; I don't know the "right" way to handle those people either. But usually I just get really pissed off and hold my anger & hatred for them inside, and think really bad, evil thoughts about them...depending on my mood, sometimes I might say something rude back to them.