How do you best forget past embarrassments?

[someoneelse]

I am daily bothered by past embarrassments. Past thoughts of making errors in social situations come back to me when something reminds me of it. It seems as if the actual event is happening now. The worst is that just about anything can set these memories in motion. Some seemily harmless television show can remind me. Some scentence in a book I am reading can remind me. I have heard about Autmatic Negative Thoughts. Does anyone have any tips to head off these ANTS?

 

[allergic2kryptonit]

first, be compassionate with yourself about mistakes you've made. nobody is perfect, and EVERYBODY makes mistakes. i think a big component of social anxiety is perfectionistic thinking (at least it is for me). you don't have to be perfect, just be you. if that's not good enough for somebody, tough sh#@!!!

as for ants, i've read some books on cognitive therapy and rebt (by albert ellis). they basically tell you to 1) recognize when you're having a negative thought, and 2) actively dispute it in your head using more realistic thinking, until it becomes second nature

for example, instead of thinking something like "i always screw up in social situations, and i'm such a failure" you would dispute it with something like "yeah, sometimes i make mistakes, but so does everyone else. and besides, sometimes i do great in social situations. and even if i do make a mistake, it doesn't mean i'm a failure, just that my behavior could've been better"

see the difference? in the first dialog, you would be using all-or-nothing thinking ; as in i always screw up. well that's obviously not true, because nobody always or never does anything. well the point is, substitute negative thinking (which is always unrealistic) with rational thinking (which is not falsely positive, but just more accurate of reality)

i recommend getting a book by albert ellis - he explains it all in detail...

ck

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi someonelse,

That's a mighty good question... so, I only have a few tips for it. (I also still have that problem when it comes to situations where the pressure's on).

I think that learning something like meditation, taking time out to do the things you enjoy that stop your mind from thinking (whether this be art, sport ...) but doing something in which there is a focus that takes your mind off of all your past-present thoughts and just puts you in the moment. Like art, when you're in 'the zone' you're so absorbed in what you're doing that you soon forget other preoccupations; and your mind gets a break. Just giving your mind that break tends to dislodge it out of familiar patterns of worrying and predicting what could happen.

There is also this book called A Course In Miracles, which although the word 'God' is used, it was written by an atheist and is all about lessons to follow on a daily basis so that a person can lose all their past associations. In it it is said, nobody really sees anything, we only see the projection of our thoughts onto something. For example, when you look at a cup, you remember what it feels like to put your lips against it and drink, or you rememember breaking the cup oneday, or you remember the taste of coffee, tea, etc... And that because we only see the past, we therefore do not see anything at all; and we don't really think either. We just run a movie of old thoughts and experiences.

ACIM can be downloaded off the net for free, at: www.acim.org (and choose the option 'lesson for the day' in which there are at least 200 of these)

And other than these two mind relaxing-adapting things that you could do, you could also take a philosophical look at your experiences and for example, like thinking that what happens now (or also then) is just temporary and some people who were 'last' end up being 'first' later; that everyting changes. I could go on about stuff like this (since it helps me out to some degree always) but really it's working on what your model for the world and what matters, that can help a person. ...It hasn't yet helped me to cure my anxiety, but I do believe that it has helped lessen the negatives of it. (My psyhiatrist wondered as to why I didn't have really low self-esteem, and I told her that it was because I look at the world in my own way -I'm out of work, but I choose to look at what is 'inside' a person as being important. And eventhough I'm still not convinced enough of having these 'better' kinds of values, they still help me to the extent that I have them.)

 

[Hope]

I am daily bothered by past embarrassments. Does anyone have any tips to head off these ANTS?

Hey someoneelse,

I had exactly your situation. Then I journalled each bad situation I could remember, even those that occurred decades ago. Having them on paper (in my case computer) has downloaded them from my brain. Doesn't mean I never think of them again, but the occurrence rate is much reduced.

YMMV, but I think it could be worth a try.

 

[cloudy]

Hi, I also have that problem. This is all really good advice. I agree with Hope, writing the thoughts down does help a lot. You should also challenge the thoughts by trying to find evidence for your perception of the situation. This is what I do:
1. write down the situation you think you stuffed up or embarrassed yourself in.
2. write how you think you stuffed up, or how you think others saw you.
3. write down evidence by answering these 4 questions: how much has this happened before? is this something that generally happens? what other explanations are there? how would you feel if this was the other way around?
4. consider the evidence and write the realistic likelihood of your thoughts

Answer those questions honestly. Putting yourself in other people's shoes is important. You wouldn't think someone was an idiot or a failure if you saw them make a mistake.

Hope this helps

 

[scatmantom]

I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I relive things in my head and its like going thru it again. But now I have taken the approach of laughing it off!

Certain things happen to people, and you may not always want them to happen. But its better to laugh at it than dread it happening again.

 

[suzan]

Hello! It is very nice to know that there are other people who have the same problem that you couldn’t define for all these years... I suffer from Social Phobia, but as everybody who wants to live like a normal person, I try to overcome it.

This summer, I was feeling like I could do it. I was on vacations, and I decided that a little alcohol helps feeling less shy- and its true, it works.

But when you start drinking, even if you think you can control it, it’s easy to lose the measure… So, that night I drunk a little more than usually. Unfortunately that was the night I decided to open up and confess to a guy that I was in love with him! And that was unfortunate because I nearly knew the guy, plus he was one of my friend’s cousin!

I don’t know how he reacted to that because after that night i didn’t even speak to him again! But I thought a lot about that and felt sooo bad...

You know what? It helped me thinking how silly some times the other people seem. For example, that guy: He said all these stupid things that night, and he wasn't drunk at all! So he should feel bad! Thinking like that helps! The bottom line is that we may feel, or even sound and seem a little silly some times, but so everybody else! And we do have a problem that we know and try to fight it down. What’s their excuse? Are they just jerks?
But its true writing down about these things helps a lot!

P. S. Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I’m not native speaker (as I think everybody understood!)

 

[savage_beagle]

dont dwell--stay present.

Train your mind to live in the PRESENT, and to not dwell in the past. Come to realize that your thinking is distorted, that these ''embarrasing'' moments were never really as bad and as you think they are. Realize that those who were with you at the time of these events have long ago forgotten about them and if you were to mention them in conversation to them, they would most likely have a hard time recalling the incident..for they have long ago forgotten. If it was something truly embarrasing they , they would have recalled it...but it is you, in your own mind, that make it out to be a significant moment in time . Fill your mind with positive thoughts, read books and magazines with positive and uplifting articles, watch movies and tv shows that motivate and inspire you, listen to music that makes you smile, gravitate towards people that like and accept you..and soon..you will think better, feel better and want more out of life then sitting back and dwelling on supposed ''failures''. . What happened in the past stays in the past, use only your memories of the past as life lessons, the good and the bad. Think of the ''bad'' experiences and learn from them, realizing they were only experiences, and not complete utter failures to run and hide from society (and yourself). Recall all the good experiences and use them to build up your self esteem..congradulate yourself for doing so good in those occassions, smile and move on to your next great life experience...whether its saving a child from a burning building or accidently wiping your bum with poison ivy leaves while camping... :wink:

 

[maggie]

I am daily bothered by past embarrassments. Past thoughts of making errors in social situations come back to me when something reminds me of it. It seems as if the actual event is happening now. The worst is that just about anything can set these memories in motion. Some seemily harmless television show can remind me. Some scentence in a book I am reading can remind me. I have heard about Autmatic Negative Thoughts. Does anyone have any tips to head off these ANTS?

hey someoneelse...i overthink and worry about tons of stuff..but sometimes, i just have to remind myself that not everyone is a worrywort like me...and anyone else that was in my embarassing situation probably isn't too concerned about it...and hasn't thought about it again :wink:

 

[Quixote]

P. S. Sorry for the spelling mistakes, I’m not native speaker (as I think everybody understood!)

Welcome to the restricted club of the non-native speakers, hampering the otherwise smooth functioning of this forum with useless remarks and grammar mistakes


Someonelse, where did you pick your avatar from? It's the same that I was using a while ago. You can keep using it of course if you like, but perhaps it would be better to change it, as it might induce some confusion, especially given your choice of a username...