How do I keep going on with life?

[Anonymous]

Hi. I am contacting this forum tonight as I really needed to vent and just have a general chat about the difficulties I am experiencing.

I feel really very sad tonight, very sad indeed. I've had depression for many years now and it's related to my lack of confidence, fear of people, being negatively judged along with an 'overactive' imagination. Making eye contact is something I can have terrible difficulty doing - initiating eye contact is extremely difficult for me most of the time. I really try to be postive but because my mind's often in such a state of tension and I'm also feeling so damn depressed that it feels impossible!! Frustration is really setting in now, and I wouldn't be disappointed if I went to bed and never woke up!!!!

I do often feel that I'm being judged negatively, treated differently - or is that just me??? I often don't know what to say to people - small talk is something that has never been natural to me, but it seems natural to most people.

At work, it very much seems to me that I am often being ignored, and this angers me as I feel a real lack of respect is going on. I know that I have SP quite badly - I've stopped taking my dog out for walks during the evening in case I 'get seen' or run into any kind of trouble. I also have problems going in to supermarkets or crowded places and can easily become very tense and aggravated in such situations. I often find it hard to step outside as I cannot seem to close my mind off and relax. I feel that people are staring at me, and invariably when I look up that is exactly what they are doing. Sometime this really annoys me as I think what the hell are they looking at. I find it difficult if not impossible to smile casually at people.

I honestly don't know how long I can keep going into work, things are tough there for me and there's too much pressure. it seems that although I have told my employer about my problems with depression and SP they don't really keep a close enough eye on me. It feels to me like they aren't bothered about me as a person as they never ever take me to one side to discuss how I am coping. To me it would be great if they did and it would at least show me that they cared and didn't think of me as just a number. I've been close to suicide on many ocassions and it seems nobody gives a toss - there's too much of an 'I'm alright Jack' mentality in our society and it is time people started to think a bit more about others, particularly those who like me suffer from mental health issues.

Life is a bag of crap for me right now and I don't know what to do anymore. I am at the point of giving up and am beyond frustation.

Richard

 

[corrinaelizabeth]

hello and welcome,are you seeking any help/advice from doctor and are u on ne meds?if u ever wana chat pm me or email me ne time x

 

[Ahmed]

You were very courageous to tell your manager at work that you've got SP. I would never be able to do that. Even though i know he thinks im weird and stuff. He knows i dont talk much and dont ask much questions and stuff and he told me that in my face before, and i just wanted to kick him in the ass at that time. but i kept my pants on. If i lose this job, its not easy to get another

Just hang in there, we are all in this shit together! I know i dont know how to give good advice to people, i never was that type. but hopefeully one day we will all feel better!

 

[crescent]

I know what you feel. I'm struggling to go work everyday. I always fear lots of things in the office everyday, even when my job is quite far from social interaction. I'm a programmer, but still sometimes i need to ask something, receive complaints from people, asking approval, etc, all those scared me. I wish I can be like doing programming infront of computer 8.5 hours/day, that would be so much better. Because when i do programming, I can like forget other things (need to think deep logic...).
Sometimes, I also feel whether I can go on another day in my work. But i also know, if I lose this job, other jobs will not be better. I have skill on this, I just hate the interaction which is unavidable I think wherever I work.
But so far, I keep going on. Whenever forced to do things I fear due to my work duty, I would be so scared and kind of delayed doing it, but eventually I did it. And the next time I have to do it, I remembered that I have succeeded previously (though not without some embarassment), so I convinced myself that this time will be better, so I did it again.
Hmmm... and pray for strength to God, it helped me a lot as well.
, I'll pray for you too...