how did you first talk to a doctor

[inandout]

about your problems?

It took a lot time before I could even bring up a lot of my problems with my closest friend, who I more or less trust with my life... he only ever knew about the obvious problems I had. I just have this persistent fear that if I tell anyone who doesn't even remotely know me, they're just going to dismiss what I think as me being a horrible person. I'm not really afraid of discussing my compulsive behaviors, but my thoughts are much more upsetting.

In particular, I seem to think about injuring people for no reason, usually children. If I go somewhere where there are children around, I might see one and immediately begin thinking about wanting to go strangle the child, I know I wouldn't do this... I don't even want to do this, but I begin to feel afraid of myself to the point where I frequently avoid anywhere that I know children will be.

Often time when I'm around someone I'm not sexually attracted to, I begin having sexual thoughts about them, despite not wanting to have them... it's particularly caused problems in my school work because I avoid speaking to my professors one on one as a result of this.

Then, I have a fear of intrusion and personal injury, I have to check locks on windows and doors repeatedly before I leave the house or go to sleep. My house was broken into two years ago, but this behavior and fear definitely preceded the break-ins, I have to lock and unlock, then pull the lock to make sure it doesn't give out, usually in cycles of three. Sometimes I'll of left to go somewhere, and upon getting there I have to return home to repeat this because I'm not sure that the door is locked despite this behavior. If something wakes me up during the night, I have to repeat this.

I have to stack books in a certain order, if I remove a book to use it I have to restack every single pile. I collect old pens and mechanical pencils that are broken or not refillable, I save receipts, old useless letters... and the only way they ever get disposed of is if someone else does it for me.

I bite my nails and pick at my hands constantly when walking somewhere or talking to certain people, when seated somewhere I cannot remain still if I am not actively doing something, but I have no difficulties concentrating on the matter at hand unless my "bad thoughts" enter my head.

If my writing looks uneven on the page, height or letter width, I have to erase it all and restart (god bless laptops).

I'm a huge perfectionist as far as appearance goes, I spend an inordinate amount of time preparing myself to leave the house every morning, including a whole long bathing ritual and hair preparation and makeup. If I mess up, I have to start over. I can't go out in public without doing it.

I have to count steps, if the number of stairs on a staircase is uneven, I'll have to skip one, etc...



I go through periods where I have obsessions with food and the only real solution to the problems is when I begin to feel physically ill from malnutrition and weightloss.

I've had some substance use problems, and I've noticed that long periods of sobriety my symptoms become much more severe and my anxiety increases a lot.






Basically, I really, really feel like I need help... but I'm too afraid to even try to seek it because I'm afraid of whatever the doctor will think... how did you get the courage to go out and get help?

 

[Aoeu]

I didn't have OCD as a child, or maybe I did, but I really didn't recognize or become disturbed over my thoughts until about 2 years ago. At the time I had no idea that thoughts were even part of OCD and my thought process about what was happening was this,

If your teeth hurt you go to dentist.
If you break your arm you go to a doctor.
If you're bothered by what's in your head you...go to a head doctor? I discovered that was called, a therapist.

I initially went to a regular doctor, it was my first time seeing this doctor as well. I won't lie my anxiety was incredibly high and I didn't tell my doctor *exactly* what was happening, just that my stomach was in knots, I couldn't sleep, and I was having some emotional issues.

He said I needed to see a therapist, someone who was licensed and experienced with my type of issues and could properly direct the conversation.

I could remember a time when these thoughts weren't bothering me and causing me these problems and that's what I wanted back, so I went and browsed through therapists online until I found one that sounded ok and made an appointment.

It definitely takes a leap on your part to tell a complete stranger these details, however if you're going to a licensed therapist who specializes in OCD you aren't going to be telling him or her anything new or shocking. It seems that way to you, and I suppose all of us in one way or another fear judgment from others, but if you do some comparisons and research on OCD you'll find that you have symptoms in common with many other OCD sufferers and your therapist will know that. I know through this board and some other forums I was able to find people with the EXACT same symptoms and thoughts as me.

Before I went I had some major anxiety and fears that this person was going to recommend that I be locked up in a mental institution and put in a padded cell in a straight jacket. I really believed that would be the case. "This guy does what? he thought that? lock him away forever, he's not fit for society". Reality is, it's just OCD and it's not uncommon.

I hope this helps in some way. I have zero regrets about seeking treatment and have gained so much of my life back I wish everyone suffering could see things from this side and get help whether that's CBT, medication, or both. In my opinion it's better to get help than to suffer in silence.