How come I am Incapable of making friend?

[last2no]

When I was younger I was more normal I think. I was capable of making friends. It just seem to come naturally. Then we moved away to a new location. I was able to make friends there easily too.

Then we moved again....I was in my mid teen years...it just seem that from that time on, I just lost that ability to make friends. I had not made a new friend since then. I'm still not sure why I'm incapable of making new friend....an inner voice tells me that it's partly because I don't want to. I find that it's strange. I have aquaintances be no one I can call a friend.

Have you always found it hard to befriend others or was there a turning point in your life that you became antisocial. Do you think you consciously choose it or did you become like that without knowing it?

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

It was the same for me, except I never moved. I've always lived here, unfortunately. But although I've always had SP and have always felt uncomfortable around people, when I was a kid I never really had any trouble making friends...for some reason kids just came up to me and talked to me and we became friends. I was never the first to go up to them, though.
But then as I got older it got alot harder and I basically lost all my "friends"...little kids are more accepting than teenagers/adults, I guess.

 

[kattness]

same over here - i just cant do it.

even if i tryed, it feels like theres no one like me out there.
i even get to shy about posting on here-i think everything i say is useless and i have pretty or much made peace with being alone.

For me its all about self-esteem.....need to get myself some of that!

 

[Danfalc]

Have you always found it hard to befriend others or was there a turning point in your life that you became antisocial. Do you think you consciously choose it or did you become like that without knowing it?

Sorry if im misunderstanding this question, but why would anyone in the right mind choose to be like how we are (anxiety wise) :?

I never had a problem making friends, from when i was really young right untill college after school, but after getting chucked out and all the other shit which happend to me (causing me to basicly just sort of snap... and end up with social anxiety) i have realy bad problems making friends,I cant even seem to make friends over the net :?

 

[Scottish_Player]

I just cut and pasted this from http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html#two
its intresting to read


How to Win Friends and Influence People
This is Dale Carnegie's summary of his book, from 1936

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Table of Contents
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Six Ways to Make People Like You
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

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Part One
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.

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Part Two
Six ways to make people like you
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

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Part Three
Win people to your way of thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.

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Part Four
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Let the other person save face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

 

[Carina33]

Scottish_Player, that is the exact book my dad tried to make me read when I first tried to say something about my Social Anxiety. I have to say, I didn't find it especially useful..... the entire time I read it I could only think to myself "I couldn't do that, because I wouldn't even be able to say that at all." I think it's buried somewhere under my dresser now.... I should go back and try to dig it out. It may be more useful these days.

And for the real question.... for a while there I had no friends at school really. My only friends were two people I had known my entire life. It was a little into high school, I talked to people a bit more. Some were very open and kept talking to me even though I could never really answer them at first. My friends now are mostly people I was just forced to talk to over and over again. I also realized then that I was always the one waiting for an invitation. I realized some people would ask me first to come sit by them or to work on something with them, and I realized that I should do it to. A lot of people thought I was not interested because I would never ask them anything like that. One thing is funny, one of my very best friends now thought I hated her for and entire year because I couldn't talk to her at all. Then one day, I went and sat down by her. We were forced to talk over and over again, and we became best friends. So, I guess my only advice is to initiate some things on your own.

 

[Sue]

im sure i could make friends if i was bothered but i have one friend at the moment and she is all i will ever need. i dont like having over 3 friends. most of my life i have had just one really close friend and i have been very comfortable with that.

i found, when i was a teenager, having more then two friends can cause you more hastle then joy. friends get bitchy and jelous of eachother. i always got caught in the middle of their bitching.

neh! "she said this about me" and neh "i wish she would stop talking about me behind my back"

when you have just one friend there is no bitching and there is more honesty between you both.

like i said before
its quality not quantity

 

[pitkreet]

I never had a problem making friends as a kid. In fact, I had quite a lot of friends and always tried to encourage any kids new to the neighbourhood to join our circle of friends. I actually used to like meeting and befriending new people.

But in common with quite a lot of SA people, things changed in my mid teens and I gradually became less and less comfortable around people to the point where I basically stayed in my room, listened to music and barely socialised at all.

There seems to be something that changes in your mind when you reach your teens. You're growing up, becoming much more aware of things, not least of social protocol and of how you perceive that you "should" behave and talk. As a kid, everything was simple. I didn't think or worry about things so much, but just acted on impulse with little concept of whether or not other people may disapprove of me and that I would feel rejected.