I live in a good country, I have a fairly good job. I get paid well. I've been told I'm not ugly. I'm friendly. I'm in reasonable physical shape. My workmates like me and laugh at my jokes. I have a hell of a lot more than some people.
I feel empty inside. I feel ugly outside. I feel like there's.. something missing emotionally that stops me forming real friendships. It's not anyone else, it's me. I'm tired of wearing the mask every time I go out. I feel I'm living a lie.
I told my psych last time that I need to fix this 'emotional missing link' cause it's killing me. I see him again in a few weeks time. I hope he can help me.
I'm feeling very uneasy about going to look at an apartment in a few hours. I have to figure out some way to get my game face on and make a good first impression.
It's sunny. My sister is home for a few months. Spring is around the corner and it's warmer already. Spring break begins this Friday. I can hear my sister and brother and their friend laughing and talking across the hall and my other sister's music in her room further down. It feels so nice, the house feels full of life. Brings back memories.
I know it's silly but I almost started crying when my sister was standing in my room, discussing how we should arrange it for her to move in. It felt like a year ago, when she was home in the spring and we had so much fun and I felt happy. I feel that way again, that spring feeling. Newness, hope. The only thing marring it is the acquaintance I keep dodging, who could be a friend if I put effort into it. Maybe I can still try, who knows.
A day by day proposition, testing my fears, and they are really concerning. This time last year was very bad for me, I was so fearful I couldn't eat or sleep, I lost interest in running. I am determined not to go that low this year.
Can't sleep of course. Have to be around the person that broke my heart from tomorrow and it's just agony. So much anxiety keeping me awake. He's so not worth any of this.
I want so much to be alone to be my own person, but it's so hard and not rebounding makes the heartbreak all the more difficult. I'm always so lonely without a boyfriend. Without even a crush.
Sometimes ah wonder if ah'd be happier if ah didnae exist.... Ah dinnae ken. Ma heid aw ower tha place, lately. Depressed. Lonely. Pissed off. Sick fed-up wi' being constantly manipulated by ma family. There's nuthin' worse than being manipulated emotionally by somebuddy dumber than ye, believe you me.[/B]
Crap and super anxious. My ex-boyfriend who rejected me from his life and rejected me has been really out of sorts the last couple of days, I have to see him at work. And for some reason I really care! So stupid. A few people have mentioned it so I shouldn't believe it's personal, but I stayed awake most of last night worrying it was. Even after the heartbreak I still want to console and cheer him up, but it's no longer my place, he didn't want it to be my place. Why do I do it to myself :kickingmyself: I irked him by asking what's wrong a couple times.... I still care about him but we've been apart fore months so why is my mood still so dependant upon his! Argh
Really, really bad. I don't really know what would make it better, either. I also am still doing homework, so... that's either a good thing as a distraction or a bad thing because it's not exactly relaxing or enjoyable.
I have a love - hate relationship with weekends.
I love the thought of weekends during the week, and can't wait for them to roll around.
But I get depressed when they're here.. :thinking:
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