Horrible way to live

A

Anonymous-

Guest
Here's my story: The first time I remember having a problem with any kind of social anxiety was about five years ago in college. I remember being called on to answer a question and my face turning really red while I was answering. I don't remember why I turned so red, but I remember that the girl in front of me made a big deal about it. "Wow, look how red he is!!" I remember after that I was afraid to answer questions in that class because I would react the same way, and then she would react the same way.

For the most part, it wasn't a real problem in college. I do remember that my last semester when I interned I would blush all the time when we would all go out to eat at the place I was working and someone would talk to me there. I would hate to make phone calls in my office because everyone in the whole building could hear me. Even then it wasn't a big problem. I could live with it.

After I graduated though, I began working at a church. I was on staff as one of the associate pastors. That's when my anxiety began spinning out of control. We had weekly staff meetings that I would be nervous and anxious about the whole week. There were just three of us, and the other two were older and much more experienced than I was. Things that they would talk about I would just sit there and have no idea what they were talking about. They would ask me my opinions on things, and I had no idea what to say most of the time. I would turn red whenever I had to talk in those meetings. I was nervous the whole meeting, and would sometimes be so focused on how to avoid talking that the meeting would be over and I really didn't hear most of it. I was planning avoidance techniques the whole time.

Monthly board meetings were horrible. We had sixty people on our board and I had to do a monthly report. We weren't supposed to get up and talk about what we had to say. We just stayed at our seats and talked from there. I don't understand this part of it, but I couldn't handle he fact that I had to talk from my seat. If I would have been able to et up and stand in front of everyone I would have been ok, I think. But I had to talk from my seat. I would always turn bright red and be unable to think straight when it got to be my turn to talk. I always sounded like an idiot (at least in my opinion) because I would have to concentrate so hard on what I was saying in order to make sense and not just stop and let my anxiety take over. Those meetings rank up there with some of the worst experiences of my life, honestly.

Another very difficult part of my job there was the fact that my name was frequently mentioned from the front of the church in regards to different announcements and things like that. For example: "If you have questions about this event, see John." This alone was enough to send me into panic mode. I turned bright red just from hearing my name and would start sweating and just freaked out every time. It was worse when the pastor of the church was saying something about me or directly to me from the pulpit. Inside I could feel myself spinning out of control during the situation. I felt like I was going crazy and couldn't do anything to come back to reality during those situations. What made it even worse is that people knew I was like this and would tease me about it, which would bring it back on. They didn't do it to be cruel, they were just trying to have fun with me. They didn't realize how hard it was for me though.

I was expected to do visitations at people's homes and to mingle with the congregation after the services, which was extremely difficult for me. I was reprimanded more than once for hiding out in my office until the place cleared out.

I ended up quitting my job. There were several reasons why, one of them being because I couldn't put up with it anymore. I didn't know why I reacted the way I did when things like that happened, but I did. And it was absolutely horrible. Like I said, the anxiety of being in the church services and board meetings was too much. If I wasn't reacting visibly, I was anxious and nervous the whole time because I didn't feel safe. At any moment, someone could say something and set me off. It was bad...

OK, last year I went back to college. I had a very difficult time there. I was anxious the whole time in my classes because I didn't want to be called on. I couldn't focus during my classes because of it. The times in which I was called on, I usually turned so red that I looked like an idiot. I can't think straight at that point because my entire body reacts. It's like something else takes over. There was one class in which we had to write lesson plans and present them to the class for a final project grade. I was nervous about this all semester because I didn't want to have to talk in front of everyone. My lesson plans were good, and I wasn't ashamed of them. I just didn't want to have to present them. I was hoping and praying so hard that she would want us to get up in front of the class and present them. Like I said, I can handle that much better than having to sit at my seat and talk to everyone. I cannot handle sitting and talking. That sets me off like few things do. I don't know why. It makes no sense. It's so stupid!

Anyway, the day came and things did NOT go well. The teacher just wanted us to stay at our seats and tell the class what we had come up with. She started at the opposite end of the room, and by the time it had gotten to my side of the room, I was in what I think was a panic attack. I have never been that worked up before. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't breathe-- I was short of breath. My heart was pounding a mile a minute and I was sweating. I felt like I was watching the whole thing happen through someone else's eyes. I was no longer there in a sense. It was a very surreal experience. Everything was so out of control. I felt myself spinning out of control and couldn't do a thing to stop it. I just got up and left and went home. This happened about about six or seven months ago, and I still feel that anxiety coming on just thinking about that experience. I am worked up just typing this.

I am now teaching, and my anxiety is an ever-present thing. Weekly staff meetings are hard. We had an assembly the other day and the teacher in front was telling a story and using me as an example. I was caught off guard and my anxiety got the best of me again. I again began to spin out of control and had to leave the assembly. This was just last week. At church on Sunday morning, there were about ten people there (small church, I know!), and the pastor told this story about me from the front and I lost it again. It was very noticeable too. People were teasing me about it after church and it made it worse. Again, I am getting worked up just thinking about and typing this story out.

This condition which has started small had slowly crept into every aspect of my life. I have alienated myself from my friends and my family. I can't even handle a family dinner sometimes because it causes too much anxiety. This has developed into an extreme thing and I don't know what to do. It's out of control. I would like nothing more than to be rid of it. I am so envious of people who can be the center of attention with no problem. I am the kind of person who could be the life of the party if I could just get over this. I am actually a very outgoing, funny person, but this has changed my life. I'm not the same person that I used to be. I hate it.

To be caught off guard (a question that I can't answer, for example), to have to talk in a group of people and to be talked about from the the front of the room are the three things that will send me into extreme anxiety. This is a horrible horrible way to live. Absolutely horrible.

This may be an obvious question, but is this social phobia? What do I do?

Anonymous, August 2003
 

Nl54

Well-known member
Yes my friend, that is most definitely social phobia/anxiety. There really is no one answer to the problem, because everyone is an individual and what works for some doesn't work for others. Best advice I can give you is to talk to a doctor about the problem and join in discussions on these boards, alot of helpful advice here. This problem can potentially be overcome, one step at a time. Hope this helps you a little :)
 

oBSama

Member
yes, quite terrible, social anxiety always increases with time and experience and can be disabling, i have sympathy for u, dont feel alone.
 

Honda

Well-known member
yes, quite terrible, social anxiety always increases with time and experience and can be disabling, i have sympathy for u, dont feel alone.

Increases over time? i thought we'd get used to it over time...
 

ilovesunblock

New member
i feel the same way, idk if this will help you but i sing songs with really goofy lyrics in my head lol. like hiding under the staircase by new young pony club.
or i just picture something really stupid in my head, like someone near me tripping ^_^
 
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