Hi

[aloneInTheHilll]

Hi,

I guess I needed to write this... I'm not really sure I have social phobia or social anxiety, but I guess you people can help me on that one. I'm a 25 year-old guy, currently employed, finished college about 2 years ago.

I guess I've always had trouble with people, especially in certain situations, but when I was younger I didn't quite notice it... I thought: "one day I'll change..." Guess I was wrong... I've always felt ok, even good, at school, I always had friends, girl-friends not so much, but still, quite normal for a kid in school, I think. I felt good and had good grades. Outside school, I guess I always was a bit protected, my parents always discouraged me to play outside my house, so I never did, never had friends outside school, either... I also never like going to restaurants or leaving the house in general and had a lot of tantrums because of it...at the time I didn't know why I felt that way (too young I guess), but I just didn't like it...

I kept on growing up...always having good grades...but no life outside school, I felt good or ok, at school, I always had jokes, wasn't exactly popular, but I wasn't discriminated either, normal I guess... But as I passed through adolescence I started missing other stuff...people outside school, my colleagues started going out...getting girls...etc... I didn't feel very confortable around girls when I was interested in one...too nervous I guess.. And going out for me was absolute panic, I didn't know what to do...and that scared me (still does...).

My parents started seeing me home all day, most of the time...and, well..their way of telling me it wasn't quite normal was taunting me about it, that didn't actually do much good to my confidence...actually made it worse... Looking back I guess my parents always used that tactic on me..calling me stupid or a retard whenever I didn't know something or did something wrong, pointing out that I had no friends and didn't go out... And I know it's always easy to blame these little things for our problems, but I guess it's these little things I remember best...I never quite stopped thinking about these moments.

Then I went to college (college was near my home, so I stayed at home) and met more people, lost contact with all my other friends, and got new ones, at least for when I was at college...again, I felt alright, except when I went home... I started getting really depressed... Loneliness started to get to me... I realised that everyone was moving on, except for me... I couldn't go to stores or get a driver's license, all because...I paniced everytime I had to go to a place I didn't know, that included stores, discos, doctors or anything with people, really... So sometimes I was so depressed that I would spend weeks without talking to anyone...and since I had a group of friends in college...they would find it completly weird...but never asked me anything about it... It was also there that I found someone...a girl...that for the first time, told me something that no-one had ever told me: "you are great just the way you are", this felt completely akward... she said that i would never change but that i could evolve and learn to live with this... I never forgot her words...or the fact that she tried to help me...for a short period of time I actually felt some confidence...not enough to consider myself normal, but still, it was a good feeling.

Then I graduated college...shortly after things between me and the girl I mentioned didn't work out at any level really...I don't know if it was due to the way I am...maybe...it got me a while, a long while to get over that (still didn't, completely). Anyway, I got a job. Going to job interviews was an absolute nightmare...but I had to go and...don't know how...but I survived... Again I stopped talking to my "friends" from college... Can't face them anymore... But I found good colleagues at my job. They became friends...but again, only at the job. I am quite good at what I do (I'm not being arrogant...I'm not great...but reasonably good...) and people respect me...I like that...I feel like I'm someone... However, when I'm not working I feel more depressed than ever... many times I can't sleep nor eat properly... I feel more and more that everyone is moving forward in life and that I'm standing still... I still can't go out... And I'm completly alone, when not working... Furthermore...my parents are (of course) trying to get me out of the house, and telling me to get my own place (which I agree) and pressuring me tremendously by using the above-mentioned tactics... However this is no easy step... Just thinking in the things I have to do...make me so nervous...don't know if I can do it...

And this is where I'm at..right now... Sometimes I try to talk to someone about this...of course I never quite do it...I say "I'm a bit different..." or "I'm going through a rough phase right now...". I don't expect people to understand this...and it feels like it's quite stupid... I mean, I'm completly aware of this and that...this "is not me", I want to go out, I want to get my own place, I want to meet people, but there's something that stops me, for some reason...an irrational fear...it makes me feel like an idiot for not beinf able to handle it... Also, of course, I don't want my parents to use this against me, so I never told them...

So I don't know if it's exactly social phobia. I can handle people in certain situations, just not in all situations and it doesn't make my life easy... I don't know if saying all of this is going to help me or not... I feel really lost right now, alone and don't want to wake up every day and have no hope for the future...

 

[2Crowded]

Sounds like Social phobia to me & possibly something else there too....though I'm not a professional....welcome to the site by the way.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

Yeah sounds like social anxiety to me too. Well at least you have found the right place. Also sounds like your parents think you are a lazy slacker. If you can aford to move I would do it. I guess you could try explaing but I doubt it would help.

The fact that you came and join a site like this must mean you already knew about this illness or had some reason to come here. How did you find out about us if you dont mind me asking.

 

[aloneInTheHilll]

First of always, thank you both for replying.

To answer TAMBA-BAY, I knew there was something wrong with me...and that, even though I had never seen it around in other people, it had to be something well-known to science, so I started investigating in the internet for "psychological disturbances" that could explain that way I felt...I don't know where I saw it first, but when I saw the symptoms of social anxiety, I felt that it could be it... I was very aware that I had a problem and have always tried to understand myself from several perspectives...
The day I wrote my original post...I was especially feeling very depressed...on the virge of a mental break-down...or at least that's how I felt... so I desperately searched the internet for things related to SA or SP and one of the first sites in the search results was this one... I started reading the posts... and decided to write my own... to see what others thought, maybe...maintaining my anonymousy, of course, because, well, it's not something to be proud about and not very easy to talk about it neither...

 

[mustang]

First of always, thank you both for replying.

To answer TAMBA-BAY, I knew there was something wrong with me...and that, even though I had never seen it around in other people, it had to be something well-known to science, so I started investigating in the internet for "psychological disturbances" that could explain that way I felt...I don't know where I saw it first, but when I saw the symptoms of social anxiety, I felt that it could be it... I was very aware that I had a problem and have always tried to understand myself from several perspectives...
The day I wrote my original post...I was especially feeling very depressed...on the virge of a mental break-down...or at least that's how I felt... so I desperately searched the internet for things related to SA or SP and one of the first sites in the search results was this one... I started reading the posts... and decided to write my own... to see what others thought, maybe...maintaining my anonymousy, of course, because, well, it's not something to be proud about and not very easy to talk about it neither...

Your absolutely right on it being difficult to talk about; but the more you let it out the easier it will become. realize my friend it's not too late to start treating your disorder(which sounds like Social Anxiety to me), in fact it may be a great time to start treating it with your new founded degree and the urge to get life going.

I strongly advise you to seek help from a therapist and psychiatrist who can further analyze and interpret the disorder and find a treatment plan thats most effective for you.

Good luck!

 

[Helyna]

That sounds exactly like Social Phobia.

Taunting is the worst thing your parents could have done to you! grrrrrr. You really need to get a place of your own. not just to get away from your parents, but because you need independence. This is what I'm terrified of (I only have one year left of high school, and my future is looming...) but we have to do it to become confident. Really. (I'm convincing myself here, too.) But I'm serious, you have to. And you could consider finding a therapist, but be careful, because some of them don't understand Social Phobia at all.

Welcome to the site, and good luck!

 

[aloneInTheHilll]

Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.
I guess I was a bit afraid that people would reply to my post with stuff like: "well, that just sounds stupid" or "you'r really weird"...that was probably silly, but maybe that's part of the problem...
I am really gonna try to move on with my life...I just hope I don't give up..I mean, it's easy to just let go of ideas like that, because they're hard things to do. And I remember that there are a lot of those things that I could have done earlier in life and I didn't, not because I didn't want to, but because I just didn't have the strength to do them, I think...
Finding a therapist is difficult for me...I mean, I would have to go to places where I would expose myself to strangers...and that's really though, at least right now...
My plan is to try and do stuff, little stuff at first, and hopefully before I know it, I'll feel better about myself, that's probably the most important thing...I think the main thing might be gaining some confidence... Of course "plan" is a big word...I don't really have a "plan", but I intend to do it all, or at least I hope I can do it...

Oh and I hope my english is understandable, I'm not from a english-speaking country and I know I use a lot of expressions I pick up from movies and stuff like that...so, sorry if the way I write stuff seems odd or something...

Anyway, thanks again, it's always good to know, that (like it says on the title), you're not alone.