hi there

[Gracesbigsis]

My name is Katie (not Grace, that's my dog/sister's name). I'm 18 years old and I have AvPD. For years I kept thinking "I'm different than other people" and I could figure out why until I stumbled upon the symptoms for AvPD and they fit me perfectly. I do have friends, two who might have the same disorder, and my life doesn't suck. But I being shy and I really wish I could talk to people or touch people even. I being touched. I love acting and I can change my personality on the stage or in front of the camera but backstage I'm quiet and slightly anti social. My problem came from horrific bullying experiences, most of which I've blocked from my memories. I didn't have any friends as a kid and, this is what I remember, mind you, I was treated like crap because I wasn't athletic and because I've always had quite an imagination. I know that this is the cause because I was, by nature, a very social child until I was 8. For 10 years, I've battled this disorder not knowing what it was and being petrified of rejection. I was depressed until I was 15. I first got a puppy (the first dog my family has ever owned despite the fact that I've been a dog lover since I first knew what they were) and she loved me so much I started being happier in general. Then I met my best friend who just thinks that I am the coolest person and he always compliments me. I did tell him my issues with trust and he more than assured me that he meant what he said. This friendship made me a better person and I improved and restored my other broken friendships. In short, I do have people who love and care for me and I have a good self image. But I am so very angry at the horrible people who gave me this disorder because I have so much trouble in social situations. I have to force myself to talk to people and even though I do have good friendships, I still have irrational fears of rejection and being made a fool in front of others. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm an actress?

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

Welcome! and glad that you're overcoming your AvPD. You show a lot of integrity by taking steps to deal with it and I must save that it is very impressive and inspiring to hear that. Are you a stage actress?

 

[Gracesbigsis]

I am a stage actress only in that the only time people pay to see me perform is on stage. I actually prefer movie acting though I've never been in "real" movies (though I really really really REALLY want to when I get older). I think my desire to perform is my brain's natural way of dealing with this disorder. When I was a kid, the only time people payed special attention to me was when I performed. I also used to hate myself so much that I loved being someone else for a while. Unfortunately, when people criticised me or didn't notice me, I would get so competitive and work so hard to improve that I almost fainted from the effort (especially in musicals, I would often come home with a pounding headache and no energy left for anything else). I live for the stage and the screen. I guess that answers your question.

 

[SalemEdgerton1]

That pretty awesome. The best actors/actresses are the ones that put everything they've got into it in my opinion at least. Yeah I know what you mean about acting as someone else. I only wish I had the courage to get up on stage. I want to act on stage so bad, especially since I use to back in grade school.

 

[Gracesbigsis]

I only wish I had the courage to get up on stage. I want to act on stage so bad, especially since I use to back in grade school.

You can have that kind of courage. I'm serious! I hate acting in front of small audiences because I can see their facial expressions and I also hate acting like I'm in love with someone because I have to touch them (and I'm not a physically demonstrative person). But I deal with it and, last month, I had to be all over this one person and stage kiss him and it took me forever to be able to do it convincingly (my directors nearly had heart attacks). Acting is really, really hard for me and, ironically, it isn't being in front of a lot of people that bothers me, it's being in front of very few people that I detest. That's why I always perform better than I rehearse. You really should do some acting. Just suck it up and do it because it is worth it. Trust me on this one. Getting up on stage is the easiest part of acting, at least from my experience.