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[nichole]

Hi my name is Nichole, I am 28 and am glad I have found this forum. I hope to get to chat with everyone at some point, share experiences and try to overcome the SP I have.

I have only recently started to realise that I may have some SP.

Growing up and up until about the age of 18 I felt so confident, sure of myself, believed in myself and loved myself. In fact I always though I was beautiful, popular, intelligent, and strong. I was good at sports, loved being surrounded by people and just totally enjoyed life.

But something has changed over the past 10 years and looking back it appears that this has taken place gradually..

I guess it all started when I went to uni and the confidence I felt at high school seemed to deteriorate. I was no longer eager to answer questions aloud, started skipping lectures and removing myself from university socialising ( I just didn’t feel smart enough). I began to binge drink when socialising and it would take me about 2 weeks just to get over something silly I had said or done. My grades started to slip and I started becoming very indecisive and shy. I got through uni but seemed to have lost most of that self confidence that I had in high school years. Since uni I have set so many high goals for myself in life but give up without even trying for a fear of failure. I over compensate and try to be over the top and bubbly when socialising with old friends just so they won’t think that I had changed too much but inside it just feels like I am a totally different person and I feel like I am putting on fake behaviour just to try and pretend to myself nothing has changed.
Its like I always feel I need to impress every one around me and fear that they might criticize me. It got worse when I met my now husband and moved with him to his non- English speaking country in Europe. Being in an unfamiliar surrounding and not knowing the language has made this even harder for me. I often don’t want to go outside and refuse to go socialising with his friends cause they are just so different from me and I don’t want them to think I am stupid. I am constantly depressed and just hate the situation I am in and by this I am not talking about my husband or the country I am now living in but rather I hate the person I have become. I just want to be the person I was when I was 17 again but don’t know how I can do this. It is funny but my husband reminds me of the person I was at 17, he gets really worried about me and hates seeing me miserable but he doesn’t know what to do to help. Can he even help me? I feel sometimes that I might be stuck in moment but the more time flies the worse off I get.

I feel relieved to finally share this with other people.

Thank you,

Nichole

 

[sabbath92003]

Hi Nichole, welcome to SPW!

 

[Rainbowstar]

Hi Nicole,
Welcome to SPW.
I've experienced depression, generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia. I've recovered from all these conditions. They were unpleasant experiences, but I learnt and developed a lot as a person. One of the things I learnt was that you can't possibly please everyone. In the past I'd always try to please everyone I met. This is impossible, because everyone has their unique combination of preferences. Some people prefer others who are loud and talk alot whilst others prefer those who are contemplative and good listeners. Some prefer smart people, some prefer honest people etc. We cannot have every human quality (some qualities contradict each other but each has their advantages), hence we will not appeal to everyone. I only care about the views of my family, friends and other significant people. With other people, I don't care what they think of me because I am unlikely to see them again in the future.
I hope this helps

 

[nichole]

Thank you Rainbowstar,
I really appreciate your advice. I think that you nailed my problem!!!! in that I just try to be everything to everyone as opposed to doing the one thing I really need to do which is being myself. I think that’s why I always feel so inadequate cause it is just impossible to try to please everyone and that perfect person that people think I am as opposed to looking out for what is best for me. What I feel is funny is that I can admit this but not change it about myself and the more I do this the less happier i am. When I make a mistake it is like the worst thing in the world and it takes me so long to get over for I feel that people will be judging me forever. But the fact that I cant leave my house without the fear I will be judged now that is scary and I hope that one day I will overcome this problem.

Kindest regards

 

[coriander1992]

Welcome to the forum, I hope it will help you to make some sense of your SP.
Your welcome to PM me to chat any time if you want to.

 

[gaiden19]

Hi Nicole,
Welcome to SPW.
I've experienced depression, generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia. I've recovered from all these conditions. They were unpleasant experiences, but I learnt and developed a lot as a person. One of the things I learnt was that you can't possibly please everyone. In the past I'd always try to please everyone I met. This is impossible, because everyone has their unique combination of preferences. Some people prefer others who are loud and talk alot whilst others prefer those who are contemplative and good listeners. Some prefer smart people, some prefer honest people etc. We cannot have every human quality (some qualities contradict each other but each has their advantages), hence we will not appeal to everyone. I only care about the views of my family, friends and other significant people. With other people, I don't care what they think of me because I am unlikely to see them again in the future.
I hope this helps

Hey Rainbowstar,

I agree with you 110% but i think that you and most people in this forum would agree that its harder said than done. Everytime i would hear such a valid, rational statement i say "yeah! thats it! THIS is how i know i should be thinking and i'm going to do it!"
It's funny but it's like being handed a golden ticket out of this miserable hellhole and astounded that the solution to my problems could be so simple. The problem is that my brain thinks that for the immediate time being but the next social situation i'm in and im trying to put that thought into pratice, i have a brain fart and it just dissipates and crumbles right before my eyes.

I do beleive however that a true belief in this line of thought will go a long way into helping us break the grip of SA.