PleasurePrinciple8
New member
My Name is Mike. I live in New York City. My AIM Screen name is NYMike8818. I just thought i'd introduce myself and get to know some of you all. I just wanna say I'd love it if some of you in here woudn't mind sharing your AIM screen names so we could chat sometime when I'm not on this forum (preferably females since i find it easier to talk to and open up to girls than guys). Thanks. I find it hard to make and keep friends so I hope people in here are nice.
About me..well im 24 years old, im black, im skinny, im very smart, im funny, but very shy at times, and i suck at relationships. LOL Basics pretty much. I guess my social anxiety started at around 14 or 15 years old, sophomore year of high school. This Italian girl I had a crush on basically rejected me in front of the whole school. I just had many embarrassing events traumatize me in early high school that led to me becoming a virtual recluse who wouldnt go to parties or clubs and was basically forced to attend dances. Knowing that once there I'd have to watch the girl I like have a good time with someone else. I figured I'd spare myself the humiliation/rejection and just not go. And thus the social anxiety was created. Ever since then its been hard for me to meet people (girls) other than at school or work and then its hard to approach them in these settings because alot of girls dont wanna be hit on and stuff...
Then when I turned 18 i started dating this white girl online. We dated for three years (only speaking on the phone and through AIM online) and then we finally met face to face after three years of wishing and hoping. She lived in Georgia, near Atlanta, in a town call Macon. Me and my parents drove down there and me and her met up at a hotel. I was 21. Needless to say, after an hour of conversation, we had sex. I lost my virginity to her. It didnt last long and was very very awkward. We had dreamed of this moment for YEARS (after phone sex was all we could do). Anyways, the next day she breaks up with me saying shes not all that attracted to me and all this stuff, the feelings arent there, blah blah blah. I asked then why did you sleep with me, and she goes, Because I felt sorry for you.
So I go back to NYC and we continued chatting online and on the phone for over a year (we even continued the phone sex sometimes). But she cut down our contact more and more, eventually telling me we need to stop speaking completely. I thought I was gonna marry this girl. We loved each other and planned on getting married and all these things. I felt so depressed and that my life was over. Anyways, after me and her finally stopped talking there's been over a dozen girls I've met, befriended, tried to date and NOTHING. I just cant seem to find someone who really truly likes me for me and doesnt wanna change me (AKA make me a drinker/smoker/partier etc.). I did come close to dating this one girl, but she lives 2 hours away and is a drama queen and i cant stand her attitude sometimes, although she one of the most gorgeous girls Ive ever ever laid eyes on.
Very recently, after graduating college I chose to become an actor and I attented a very prestigious acting school here in NYC. I met a British girl there and fell madly in love with her. Needless to say, she did not feel the same way. I wrote her poem after poem and poured my heart out to her and i just really ruined a great friendship. Anyways, she got the whole school to turn against me and basically made everyone think I was the bad guy (them not knowing all the HORRIBLE names she called me and how evil she treated me). She was so mean and heartless!
Anyway...in closing...I am no longer at the school and im just trying now to find a job and get on with life, but i find it hard...sooo hard, to get up everyday without someone to talk to (like a girlfriend...someone to REALLY open up to)...
...i mean i have friends and i have a GREAT family...but no one to really tell everything to and be myself with.
Look my childhood wasnt some torture chamber, i had a wonderful family life and childhood, it wasnt until high school and rejection from girls and heart break became a normal thing for me did I become depressed and to start to withdraw from the world. I normally have a facade of humor and happiness (since that is my true self, a happy, fun loving, joking kind of guy) but i feel my armor is wearing away and all the heart break that keeps mounting up is beginning to get to me and my sunny exterior is wearing thin and my loneliness is beginning to show, even to my family.
The last thing I wanna lose is my sense of humor, my sense of hope, and my sense of optimism...since that is what has gotten me through all of life's pain. But i feel like im losing that battle and it's really scary. I mean, i get told all the time (usually from older women or girls im not attracted to) that im very handsome, yet i just dont feel that way...
So who else has had similar experiences and who else is kind enough to be there for me? Thanks for listening...
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