HarmfulIfSwallowed
New member
Hi! I thought I'd just introduce myself and give a bit of my "story".I'm 16 years old from good ole Aussieland! Woo, where to begin...you lot have a nice forum here, very cool!
Ok, I have depression which has affected me since I was around 11, I began self harming around that time, too. I've always been a pretty shy person, but a rather loud girl around my family!
So, first week of high school my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour, terminal. I finished the year with a whole lot of hiccups, suicide attempts, self harming, drug abuse ect.
(Oh, this next part won't make much sence if I don't mention this
) I was first sexually abused by a friend of the family when I was 7, it had been going on all through my mum's illness and all my other problemos. The man (who we like to call a**hole :wink: ) would take my mother to appointments and help her out, all the while abusing me. So, my mum was getting sicker and sicker, having seizures, bad headaches and all the awful things that come with cancer. A**hole would drop me off at school, and pick me up. One day he didn't take me, instead he took me to his house...blah.
So I missed alot of year 9. Eventually a**hole persuaded my mum to get me into homeschooling, of corse this was just so he could be close to me 24/7.
For about 14 months he abused and raped me, I didn't say anything because I was scared and partly because I was so ashamed. I began drinking like a fish and my self harming became out of control. I was completly out of touch with the world outside of his house, I would go home and see mum in tears from headaches, the only (selfish) way I felt ok was when I was drinking, happily supplied by a**hole of corse :roll: . So things just got worse and I became even more depressed ect...
Woa, this all sounds so pathetic, lol. There is happy things soon!
At the beginning of 2004, my older sister came forward and pressed charges against a**hole...no one suspected anything, and they were all quite sceptical to believe it at first. So I came forward too so people would hopefully realise what he had been doing. I pressed charges, and had to go through all these awful interviews.
I had to have a pap smear by a male doctor, I would have preferred a female (or not to have one at all!) but I got through it ok.
During the court prosess I was hospitalized numerous times for suicide attempts, I just felt so dirty and ashamed, like it wasn't really happening until someone said it out loud.
The mental health unit I was in helped me alot, and I now realise how all those stupid attempts at ending my life were so selfish.
My sister and I were all ready to give evidence, a**hole denied everything. On the day we showed up ready to get things done, his lawyer made a deal with the prosecuter, he would plead guilty to my case but not my sister's. My sister was very happy with this, her case "wasn't as "serious" in the eyes of the law" :roll: so he would get a heavier sentence anyway.
So that was a huge weight lifted of my shoulders!
But the months that followed were weird, I never left the house, I wasn't depressed, I just felt so safe being tucked away. I havn't spoken with my old friends from school in years, and havn't had many friends at all because I push them away, I think because I feel safer being alone, I dunno.
I take valium before I go out, and I only got out if I have too. At the moment mum needs all the care possible, so finding excuses to not go out for a while isn't exactly hard. But the more I avoid it the harder it gets. I don't know if I'm scared of what people with think of me, I have horrid scars from self harming, and I am very self concious about every tiny little thing that someone might pick up on. I don't talk on the phone, I avoid it like the plague because I just can't seem to say anything, I get so nervous. And answering the door is hell...many times people have knocked on the door for a while but eventually turn away and leave while I'm hiding waiting for the knocking to stop.
I don't know why I'm like this, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.
My shrink hasn't officially diagnosed me with social phobia, but she hasn't got much doubt in her mind that I do.
Wow, that is pretty much how things are/have been :lol:
Just feels good to say something without having a face, it's like a weight off my shoulders. Even if no one reads this, I know it's there and I did it!
Hmm, it's so tempting to just delete all this and type a simple "hi!"
Oh well, here goes....