He's shy, I'm not...I need help!

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LovesAShyGuy

New member
I am new to this site, and until about a week ago had never heard of the label "love shy". It closely describes someone that I know and have fallen for in a big way.

I met him through a pen pal site and we were friends before anything else developed. He has told me a lot of things about himself that I consider very personal and I don't need to list them here...but I didn't know (and I'm not sure he knows) that he had these traits in common with others, and especially not in such large numbers.

I see his shyness as something he can overcome, under the right circumstances. I have tried to show him that I am consistent and not expecting him to be dominating or aggressive (in fact, I want just the opposite). I have no desire to dominate him, I think he's wonderful just as he is. I genuinely love and admire this man, and I don't want to change him. All I want is to be invited to be closer.

And to be honest, I want to help him. I want him to find love even if it isn't with me...that would be awful for me, but I really, truly want him to be happy. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I want to encourage him, on the other hand, I don't want to make him feel pressured because it will drive him away. Sometimes it's like two steps forward, one step back (sometimes it's two steps back, too).

I was hoping other shy men might tell me what to do to help him feel more comfortable, if that's possible. I'm not asking how to snag him or make him do something....I just need to know how to make him feel more at ease, if that's possible. I'm not trying to produce behavior in him that isn't genuine...I only want to create an environment that makes him KNOW he is safe expressing himself, and that he can say whatever is on his mind, and he will not be rejected.

We have known each other about 18 months now, and thousands of words have passed between us. The things I have read in the past few days about being a love-shy man made me realize why he has done (and hasn't done) some of the things that confused me before. I think I understand him better than I did, but...I would really appreciate any advice others could give me about how to express my feelings to him. I want to be truthful but I am fearful of saying too much. He knows how I feel...sometimes he is very intense in his expressions of affection, but then he stops. What does that mean? Is he regrouping from the anxiety of putting himself out there emotionally? Or does he just not know what to do next? Or does he know what he wants, but it just scares him spitless?

I don't view his shyness (or his inability to overcome it) as weakness. I know him and he's not a weak man, his personal strength impresses me. I think this is about trust and being able to bond. If I am wrong, someone please set me straight.

We have a pact to be friends first and friends always, no matter what else does or doesn't happen. I know that, in the end, it may never end up in a face to face relationship. But we're so much closer than before, or...I think we are. I measure our relationship a little differently than the others in my life.

Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 
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Rodney

Well-known member
For me, it's all about reassurance. To know that I'm still liked/loved. And that even if I might say or do something wrong or awkward I'm still liked/loved. In past relationships I was always afraid to make moves and found myself being pushed into making the move by the girl... did I like when that happened? Yes because I knew what she wanted and wouldn't face rejection... did it make things easier in the long run? No, I was still very awkward and afraid that I might not live up to expectations.

The point is, you can only do so much to help a guy with love shyness. It's something that they themselves have to figure out. They need to realize that love is a normal feeling to feel/express and that there is no one true way to express it. Expression of love is unique to every single person and is not something to be ashamed about. Easier said than done I suppose...
 
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missjesss

Banned
Do you think that he has social anxiety, or any past experiences that may have lead him to become love shy?

Do you think he may be introverted rather then shy, does he have many friends?

jess
 
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LovesAShyGuy

New member
missjess: Yes, I think he has some social anxiety because he has told me as much. He said once that being forced into a dinner party situation would give him a panic attack. I think he may be somewhat introverted, but he calls himself "painfully shy". He does not have many friends, and those are mostly from work, people that he has more of a cordial rather than close relationship with. He's a professional and also involved to some extent in teaching, and occasionally lectures. He's very confident in that world. Those with whom he interacts professionally probably consider him quiet rather than shy, I know him to be respected by his peers, because from time to time he receives awards. There are usually dinners associated with these awards and he'll attend long enough to accept his, but when the food is gone and the dancing starts, he's out of there. In general, parties and being around people he doesn't care for or know well causes him a lot of stress, I know this because he's told me. He's actually quite direct in his manner, but by his own admission it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to really open up.

I know that at least twice in his past he has had fairly serious feelings of affection for two women. They were, near as I can tell, like what I would call a "crush", both unrequited. He has told me that I am his first "sweetheart." I assume by that he means his first relationship where feelings were mutual, and expressed. I also know that a few years back a collegue introduced him to a relative who shared an interest in his favorite hobby. She was quite a bit younger, I think, and after three outings (which she evidently considered dates) she decided he needed more direct encouragement. I think he was startled and what had been relatively comfortable for him (because he saw her as a casual friend, with whom he shared an interest) became very stressful. She was also physically forward and I think he wasn't sure how to deflect that gracefully in a way that would not make her feel rejected. It was too much too fast. She only knew him in a superficial way and clearly did not understand him at all. He withdrew.

Afterward she stalked him a bit and left loud, rude messages on his voicemail. I think that experience made him feel that it was just no use, and he withdrew from any overtures at all. He buried himself in his career and mostly interacts during leisure time with family, they seem to be close.

Anomaly: Yes, I have told him that I want him to feel at ease with me, and that if I do anything inadvertently to distress him, I expect him to tell me so I can stop. I've made it clear to him how I feel. When I admire something about him I am careful to be specific, and I am always able to verbalize why I think so, because I know he will ask. If I say he's funny, he'll claim no one ever tells him that, and wants to know why I think so. He's very intelligent and sometimes I suspect asks/says things to test for my response.

But I have never felt he was manipulating me, just...exploring? We have talked about, literally, everything.

We have discussed meeting in person, but it hasn't gone beyond the "one of these days" status. I get the impression that he is expecting to meet me in the spring, when I will be traveling through his home town on a trip to somewhere else....I'm not sure. For now his responsibilites require him to be in town virtually 24/7. He's not exactly around the corner, distance-wise.

Kiwong: Thank you, your kind words brought a tear to my eye, and encouraged me. He has said the same thing in the past. I feel lucky to have a friend like him, too.
 
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missjesss

Banned
Well I can relate to not having many friends or people that I trust and that's mainly because I find it rlly hard to open to people, my personality type is an ISFP but I am not fully introvert however I am moderately it's fairly hard to accept as I would give anything to be more extroverted and comfortable around lots of unknown strangers but we are born with this trait and cannot change it.

I don't understand how your friend can suffer panic attacks yet he can still be involved in teaching and lecturing & feel comfortable doing that?

I have overcome alot of my social anxiety however I am still reserved and quiet around people I don't know, also I have trouble with being assertive even around close friends.

I would suggest for you to tell your partner to try hypnotherapy, counseling that involves cbt and self acceptance to change thought patterns, also positive self talk daily in the mirror. I emphasize the word daily! and he must do this continuously for at least 2 months.

It is good that he can open up to you and tell you about all this, I think you are a very caring and understanding person if you are willing to join this forum and try to understand him and be supportive good on you ;-) but what you must realise depending on how Introverted he is he will always be quiet and reserved around strangers also being around alot of people for prolonged time drains our energy we can still have fun and be talkative we just need time to regather our energy and thoughts in alone time haha

Might be worth you doing a little research on Introversion ;p

jess
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