Hello,
My name is Jacob. It is safe to say about 3-4 years ago I would find myself googling endlessly looking for a solution to the great unease I felt around others. More specifically, I was always searching for "that technique". My approach to it (maybe all too familiar to your own) was to discover the one approach that would allow my mind to rise above the discomfort, so I could finally be myself (whatever that meant). Constantly you hear the phrases "just relax" or "mind over matter". By now, if you are on this website you've learned that you cannot simply cause anxiety to vanish by attempting "relaxing". Even the phrase 'try to relax' is counterintuitive... Just "push through it" would be the motto of the "mind over matter" technique. For a while, I subscribed to this as well. The problem is that it becomes misunderstood what exactly you are pushing through. These emotions are part of ourselves, and therefore, we are only attempting to push aside our own mind. The mind is trying to defeat the mind. In the short run this can be very successful. As a matter of fact, any technique of the thousands of techniques we can apply to anxiety can be successful, but we wouldn't visit these sites if we felt truly successful. The solution lies not in coercing our mind, but flowing with it.
What am I getting at? The techniques are not the final solution. This should come as a relief for those (like myself) who have followed the trial-and-error testing of said techniques for many years. It is nothing less than impressive how many solutions I thought I had...only to find myself constantly obsessing again over what I'm doing wrong shortly after. It occupies your mind. You can't think about anything else. All you desire is to be free.
I've been there. I've read about people that say they've "been there" while I was still there. I didn't buy that these people had "solved" something that I had done everything within imagination to escape.
You want to know what's the "cure"...and I respect that. Let's get down to it.
Social anxiety/phobia is a product of your high sensitivity to the world. One that makes you unique. One that makes you creative. One that can make you also sweat profusely at times and feel isolated. This high sensitivity is a trait that, right now, you want to be rid of it. At times I feel it would be easier, even today, if my mental processes were blunted (like some self-proclaimed "extroverts"). Then I could simply play my day out ignorant to the feelings and mental processes of others. Sounds like a blast at times.
What is the solution? Understanding. What is the technique? The abandonment of all techniques. How do you do it? Work on letting go of your need to have a go-to technique for approaching your anxiety/phobia. This will bring it's own anxiety, which will pass as you begin to trust in this new mindframe. The rumination about having the right approach is an anxiety in itself. You will cycle many times between feeling that you need a technique to fall back on, and to this state of letting go. You begin to flow with the situation.
What you have to gain...
Something that I hated to hear as a "sufferer" is that there is no cure. Please understand that what I propose isn't another approach or "cure" to add to your list, but an evolution away from this- although it is not new. I know the pain this has caused in my life. By allowing your mind to escape the stress/guilt of searching and thinking about a cure, you free up your attention for other things in life.
Boundaries to success
While you are letting go of need to feel safe, you will not feel safe. Pretty simple. Like I said before, you will feel the need to fall back on the things that make you comfortable, but also keep your mind in the cage. For me, this revolved around finding one true mental approach to apply to my uncomfortable feelings. You will want to default to your comfortable habits, and you will at times. I used to bounce between my list of approaches every few days to a month. This current "approach" i speak of, or lack thereof, I have rested on for three years ever since I began to understand that it is the only logical option. If you attempt to direct your mind in any way, you are ultimately fighting only yourself. What you resist persists. This goal is to work with yourself. By yielding to yourself rather than fighting to feel good, you will ironically...feel better. This may not be immediate, which is discouraging to people like ourselves because we want a fix and we want to feel it and be confident in it. We want this fix because how we feel sucks and we want to move on with our lives. Well take this as good news- you no longer need to obsess over finding the solution, you don't need to do anything. It is the lack of an approach that will begin the healing. Whatever you are feeling is not wrong. It does not require you to talk it down or breathe it away or push through it. You will begin to realize how you latch onto "cures" and over time you will see how to release your attachment to endless search.
To "find a cure" implies that there was a point when you became less than whole. This is an illusion.
The plan is no plan. To describe it without making it into ANOTHER technique would be to say- do not attempt to control what you are feeling and thinking. Let go of your need to feel constantly at ease. Let go of your compulsion to manage your feelings and judge your progress. This is looked at as giving up, which implies negativity at first glance. Well ask yourself...Has anything truly worked? I think by now you'd know..In the true fashion of irony- being comfortable being uncomfortable is the only way to find peace within you. Social anxiety is just the beginning. You will begin to learn a great deal as you let go of old habits. As you let go you will understand the nature of resistance and will open gates to a deeper understanding of yourself.
You have been given a gift. Sometimes this may feel like a very, very ****ty gift. It is no mistake what you feel, you are not doing anything wrong. These emotions are the tip of an iceberg that you are learning to understand. You are not here to cope all your life. You are not here to constantly control your emotions and design techniques and cures- simply to get by. You have greater depth to you than you can begin to understand, more than I could convey with words, but it needs to be felt. Letting go is the final, true way to find peace and to free your energy to discover what lies beyond your compulsion to feel okay.
I am writing this because it is writings like this that started the change in my mind. It is a spark that starts the domino effect. My spark came while reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. A powerful idea to understand is that we do not gain anything knowledge through these types of readings, we simply are reminded of what we already know. Sometimes it takes someone else to spell it out.
I am trying to convey that there is so much more to social anxiety than simply the uncomfortable feelings you get around people. It is a deep intricate web. You cannot expect to remove only one part of the web, but you can expect to grow deeper in understanding of the web as whole and, therefore, begin to feel relief as you see the role that anxiety plays. You begin to fear it less. Do not be weary of the turbulence you will experience as you abandon the "search for the cure"...the search that you and I have held so closely. There will be great anxiety in moving away from this lifestyle and onto one where you put faith and patience into yourself and your experience, rather than simply seeking a quick fix.
I know you are strong because to bear such anxiety requires a certain level of strength in itself. Don't judge your perceived "failures", it is the intent to let go and be patient that will get you to a deeper understanding.
Good practice?
Close your eyes once a day. It could be for a minute, it could be for thirty. Let go of control of your mind and thoughts. "I'm doing it wrong", let that thought go too. And repeat. Let every thought/emotion wash over you. I call this a "reset".
What do I do now that the majority of this obsession is behind me?
I put a lot of time into making music. It is a solo activity. I still love to be alone, that has never left me. There is a joy that comes with being comfortable in solitude. Being a single, deployed Army nurse in Hawaii I spend the majority of my time by myself. I wouldn't have it any other way for now.
I try to let this passion come through in my music. I seek to help others, because I was helped by others. I wish you all the best, the struggle may be very challenging but there are many gifts hidden within.
If you desire, put some headphones and relax to one of my tracks. 8 minutes
https://m.soundcloud.com/jacob-didas/home-instrumental
With love,
Jacob
My name is Jacob. It is safe to say about 3-4 years ago I would find myself googling endlessly looking for a solution to the great unease I felt around others. More specifically, I was always searching for "that technique". My approach to it (maybe all too familiar to your own) was to discover the one approach that would allow my mind to rise above the discomfort, so I could finally be myself (whatever that meant). Constantly you hear the phrases "just relax" or "mind over matter". By now, if you are on this website you've learned that you cannot simply cause anxiety to vanish by attempting "relaxing". Even the phrase 'try to relax' is counterintuitive... Just "push through it" would be the motto of the "mind over matter" technique. For a while, I subscribed to this as well. The problem is that it becomes misunderstood what exactly you are pushing through. These emotions are part of ourselves, and therefore, we are only attempting to push aside our own mind. The mind is trying to defeat the mind. In the short run this can be very successful. As a matter of fact, any technique of the thousands of techniques we can apply to anxiety can be successful, but we wouldn't visit these sites if we felt truly successful. The solution lies not in coercing our mind, but flowing with it.
What am I getting at? The techniques are not the final solution. This should come as a relief for those (like myself) who have followed the trial-and-error testing of said techniques for many years. It is nothing less than impressive how many solutions I thought I had...only to find myself constantly obsessing again over what I'm doing wrong shortly after. It occupies your mind. You can't think about anything else. All you desire is to be free.
I've been there. I've read about people that say they've "been there" while I was still there. I didn't buy that these people had "solved" something that I had done everything within imagination to escape.
You want to know what's the "cure"...and I respect that. Let's get down to it.
Social anxiety/phobia is a product of your high sensitivity to the world. One that makes you unique. One that makes you creative. One that can make you also sweat profusely at times and feel isolated. This high sensitivity is a trait that, right now, you want to be rid of it. At times I feel it would be easier, even today, if my mental processes were blunted (like some self-proclaimed "extroverts"). Then I could simply play my day out ignorant to the feelings and mental processes of others. Sounds like a blast at times.
What is the solution? Understanding. What is the technique? The abandonment of all techniques. How do you do it? Work on letting go of your need to have a go-to technique for approaching your anxiety/phobia. This will bring it's own anxiety, which will pass as you begin to trust in this new mindframe. The rumination about having the right approach is an anxiety in itself. You will cycle many times between feeling that you need a technique to fall back on, and to this state of letting go. You begin to flow with the situation.
What you have to gain...
Something that I hated to hear as a "sufferer" is that there is no cure. Please understand that what I propose isn't another approach or "cure" to add to your list, but an evolution away from this- although it is not new. I know the pain this has caused in my life. By allowing your mind to escape the stress/guilt of searching and thinking about a cure, you free up your attention for other things in life.
Boundaries to success
While you are letting go of need to feel safe, you will not feel safe. Pretty simple. Like I said before, you will feel the need to fall back on the things that make you comfortable, but also keep your mind in the cage. For me, this revolved around finding one true mental approach to apply to my uncomfortable feelings. You will want to default to your comfortable habits, and you will at times. I used to bounce between my list of approaches every few days to a month. This current "approach" i speak of, or lack thereof, I have rested on for three years ever since I began to understand that it is the only logical option. If you attempt to direct your mind in any way, you are ultimately fighting only yourself. What you resist persists. This goal is to work with yourself. By yielding to yourself rather than fighting to feel good, you will ironically...feel better. This may not be immediate, which is discouraging to people like ourselves because we want a fix and we want to feel it and be confident in it. We want this fix because how we feel sucks and we want to move on with our lives. Well take this as good news- you no longer need to obsess over finding the solution, you don't need to do anything. It is the lack of an approach that will begin the healing. Whatever you are feeling is not wrong. It does not require you to talk it down or breathe it away or push through it. You will begin to realize how you latch onto "cures" and over time you will see how to release your attachment to endless search.
To "find a cure" implies that there was a point when you became less than whole. This is an illusion.
The plan is no plan. To describe it without making it into ANOTHER technique would be to say- do not attempt to control what you are feeling and thinking. Let go of your need to feel constantly at ease. Let go of your compulsion to manage your feelings and judge your progress. This is looked at as giving up, which implies negativity at first glance. Well ask yourself...Has anything truly worked? I think by now you'd know..In the true fashion of irony- being comfortable being uncomfortable is the only way to find peace within you. Social anxiety is just the beginning. You will begin to learn a great deal as you let go of old habits. As you let go you will understand the nature of resistance and will open gates to a deeper understanding of yourself.
You have been given a gift. Sometimes this may feel like a very, very ****ty gift. It is no mistake what you feel, you are not doing anything wrong. These emotions are the tip of an iceberg that you are learning to understand. You are not here to cope all your life. You are not here to constantly control your emotions and design techniques and cures- simply to get by. You have greater depth to you than you can begin to understand, more than I could convey with words, but it needs to be felt. Letting go is the final, true way to find peace and to free your energy to discover what lies beyond your compulsion to feel okay.
I am writing this because it is writings like this that started the change in my mind. It is a spark that starts the domino effect. My spark came while reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. A powerful idea to understand is that we do not gain anything knowledge through these types of readings, we simply are reminded of what we already know. Sometimes it takes someone else to spell it out.
I am trying to convey that there is so much more to social anxiety than simply the uncomfortable feelings you get around people. It is a deep intricate web. You cannot expect to remove only one part of the web, but you can expect to grow deeper in understanding of the web as whole and, therefore, begin to feel relief as you see the role that anxiety plays. You begin to fear it less. Do not be weary of the turbulence you will experience as you abandon the "search for the cure"...the search that you and I have held so closely. There will be great anxiety in moving away from this lifestyle and onto one where you put faith and patience into yourself and your experience, rather than simply seeking a quick fix.
I know you are strong because to bear such anxiety requires a certain level of strength in itself. Don't judge your perceived "failures", it is the intent to let go and be patient that will get you to a deeper understanding.
Good practice?
Close your eyes once a day. It could be for a minute, it could be for thirty. Let go of control of your mind and thoughts. "I'm doing it wrong", let that thought go too. And repeat. Let every thought/emotion wash over you. I call this a "reset".
What do I do now that the majority of this obsession is behind me?
I put a lot of time into making music. It is a solo activity. I still love to be alone, that has never left me. There is a joy that comes with being comfortable in solitude. Being a single, deployed Army nurse in Hawaii I spend the majority of my time by myself. I wouldn't have it any other way for now.
I try to let this passion come through in my music. I seek to help others, because I was helped by others. I wish you all the best, the struggle may be very challenging but there are many gifts hidden within.
If you desire, put some headphones and relax to one of my tracks. 8 minutes
https://m.soundcloud.com/jacob-didas/home-instrumental
With love,
Jacob
