Helping shyness

[OnlyAlice]

I hope I can get some good advice on how to date a shy man. I've been dating him for over a year, however we suffered a break up 3 weeks ago (we are giving it another try). I didn't realize that he was shy so I misinterpreted a few things. His behavior puzzled me and I felt he just wasn't interested. Every question replied with I don't know. Now that I'm pretty sure it's his shyness and insecurity, I want to make it better.

I'm afraid I can never make it up to him. In a year, I didn't get him to open up much and trust me. I know I should have caught on but I didn't. I finally believe that he cared for me, whether he still does or not time will tell.

How can I make it up to him?

 

[Capsaicin]

Ask him what would make him comfortable and what he needs to feel secure in your relationship. If you're met with "I don't know", offer some examples such as more quality time, more reassurance, or more stability in the relationship. I've known some people who are very timid and can't stand arguing at all; it bothers them for weeks. A year sounds like a long time for not opening up, so something else might be holding him back.

 

[OnlyAlice]

In all honesty I think me constantly asking him questions bothered him. (Like: Are you interested? Why don't you ever ask to see me?) I asked questions hinting towards shyness but he always stated that wasn't the case. I never asked though Are you shy? I figured he was unsure because his ex-wife was causing problems because we were dating. I'm confident now that he's shy and insecure. But I agree it's been long enough he should have been less guarded. And I see him really trying this time to meet me half way this time. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have. I love him very much and realize I have to be the strong one and not let my feelings get hurt. His characteristics are listed below:
1) He doesn't initiate. Not dates, not sex. Only he does initiate contact everyday. And he never refuses when I initiate something.
2) He doesn't argue nor do I. We talk but he doesn't initiate any problems he has in the relationship. Answers a question without really answering it.
3) He doesn't name call or expresses little emotion. He will talk about his work and money issues with me and initiate those conversations.
4) He helps me anytime I need it (like computers, cars, etc), but he didn't help me when I told him it would make me feel more secure for him to ask to see me once in a while.
5) The only response I got when I asked him how he feels is scared. Scared we will work or this will blow up in his face.

I know me leaving may have messed up all credibility I had. We've been back together for almost a week now and I see him trying...and I see him guarded. I know what I'm in for and I know he's going to be guarded for sometime. I need to be able to recognize the signs from a shy guy and I've failed once. Any help with this matter I would greatly appreciate. Forever thankful. Not just for me but for him. If he does love me, then I have to prove myself for him. Please help if you can.

 

[MikeyC]

Alice, you have listed a few things that are bothering you in the relationship. Communication is the best way to really understand where he's at and what he's feeling. You might be answered with more "I don't know" replies, but stress to him that it's important to you and he might try to be more open.

I envy the fact that you love him and you want to do right by him...but your needs are equally as important, and at the moment they're not being fulfilled. One year is quite a long time for him not to open up - do you want to spend another year trying to make him express himself? Do you think you'll still have the same patience as now?

I hope it all works out, but don't diminish your needs and wants, too.

 

[Samsapple]

Sounds like someone needs to use their words like a big boy. Also sounds like you guys are young. Don't waste your time on him. Someone who isn't completely honest with themselves will not be honest with you. A man with emotional baggage is like a women with an unwanted child. If you're young enough to avoid it, leave it.

 

[OnlyAlice]

I am very aware of my needs...that's why I left. But after some time I realized what I failed to ever take into account...he's shy. I suffer from shyness too although not to that extent. I mistook his shyness for non-interest and I pushed and I freaked. When we got back together, I told him I take him just the way he is but no more BS. I wouldn't ask anymore relationship questions (I already knew his answers). He has been trying. He asked me (in his way) for the first time to watch a movie. He initiated cuddling with me. I'm prepared for him to withdraw again if he needs to. I'm not getting my hopes. I'm just being his girlfriend...plain and simple.

If he does withdraw, and not say anything like the last time...then I may be in trouble...that's what I want to prevent. Me reacting like a scared girlfriend.

 

[OnlyAlice]

And Apple, we are both in our 30s...but he married his high school sweetheart and had a rocky marriage and 2 post divorce reunions that ended the same way. He's dated but I am the only "relationship" he's been in other than that.

 

[MikeyC]

I am very aware of my needs...that's why I left. But after some time I realized what I failed to ever take into account...he's shy. I suffer from shyness too although not to that extent. I mistook his shyness for non-interest and I pushed and I freaked. When we got back together, I told him I take him just the way he is but no more BS. I wouldn't ask anymore relationship questions (I already knew his answers). He has been trying. He asked me (in his way) for the first time to watch a movie. He initiated cuddling with me. I'm prepared for him to withdraw again if he needs to. I'm not getting my hopes. I'm just being his girlfriend...plain and simple.

If he does withdraw, and not say anything like the last time...then I may be in trouble...that's what I want to prevent. Me reacting like a scared girlfriend.

At least you're aware of what you want and are acting with those in mind, too. I hope it all works out! :thumbup:

 

[OnlyAlice]

The difficulty with dating a shy guy is distinguishing between shyness and 'not that into u'. So many similar behavior. Is there a way ti know the difference?