help!!

[rapunzel]

I have spent an entire lifetime chained by my Social anxiety. It began in childhood I felt different to everyone else I grew up in a very large family of which I am the youngest my father was an alcoholic and money was always an issue my mother was 45 years old when I was born and we were never really close. As a child I was always in the way always being told to leave one room or another and I felt like I didn’t fit in even with my family group. During my teens and Twenties I made my own way in life and for a time my anxiety was under control I had my three children and life was relatively normal and I was generally happy. In my thirties as my children grew older and less dependant on me I felt the anxiety return I knew the social fears I felt were unreasonable but I allowed my self to withdraw from the world further and further. my life as a child began to haunt me. I asked myself why would anyone treat a child in the manner I had been treated ? What was wrong with me that I was unloved? I began to analyse everything everyone said to me any little rejection I took totally onboard and allowed it to eat at my soul.
Now I live with my youngest child she is twelve years old and I fear my social anxiety will affect her as its affected me so I know I need to change but I don’t know how I need help!

 

[kihira]

Welcome rapunzel :]. Every child is lovable and deserving of that love, if you felt unloved then it was because of faults in the people around you, you are not to blame.

 

[BlueDays]

Hello rapunzel, welcome to the site

My mother was also born very late in her mother's life. She suffered the same ineffective mothering it sounds like you suffered. I really think as phocas and twiggle said up there you definitely should not blame yourself for not recieving love as a child. Its has nothing to do with you if your mother was exhausted or felt she was past the mothering stage in her life and your father was an alcoholic. It's their fault for not making the effort to give you the love that all children deserve unconditionally.