Help with OCD BPD husband Love him/leave him

W

WifeOfOcder

Member
I am desparate on what to do. I am completly IN LOVE with my husband he is completely IN LOVE with me. He has OCD and probably something else Im sure. most likely BPD ANYWAY I can deal with the stacking, the checking doors windows, cars, compulsive list and the few other extreme OCD habits he has.. When we first met I knew NOTHING of ocd and thought moving a pen to get him mad was funny...little did I know.....

3 years later we are still madly in Love but my stubborness and his OCD may end it. I am not sure if this is OCD or not but he has the need to END the relationship every few months, then get back togther with me..

I know its sounds SICK and it is on both our parts, in his mind we are not really breaking up, in my mind we are over. Then we get backtogther and everything is great again until the next time he freaks out and ends it. We never cheat on eachother have a great sex life, and our relationship other then this is pretty friggen awsome. but he goes to EXTREMES like moving out and wanting to come back....

My friends and family think Im insane and why would I stay with someone who continaully does this to me and that I can never trust. and they are right, the only problem is we do not really want to be apart fom eachother.

I started realizing he does not see it as US breaking up..... only I do. I trust him in every other way except the BIG one..that despite him telling me every time he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he'll freak out and do his compulsive break up routine on me again, so of course im bitchy and untrusting which has created some other problems in our marriage..

Also Im VERY stubborn and do not want to get played so I always DRAG it out for weeks when he generally need 3-4 cooling off days

He is currently out of the country getting help from one of his doctors and trying to switch his meds, We have discussed that I cannot stay in the marriage if this continues.

This time I did NOT threaten him that it would be the LAST time I let him back, I just told him he needs to figure his part out, and I need to work on myself.. He agrees. but Im scared to death to let him back..Am I a complete FOOL ?? am I going to just get hurt by him again, his pattern shows I will.

The only reason iv put up with it this long, is I KNOW he has OCD and I see the patterns, (he never usues that as an excuse)

I see it though at least I think!!!!. that and I really do love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. is this a ligit pattern ??? Can it be changed without me leaving him for good ?? or am I just living a pipe dream ???

sometimes I wish (not really) that he'd cheat on me, or that he REALLY didnt love me so I could leave and end our dance and save myself this heartache.. but unfortunatly/fortunalty I KNOW he loves me as much as I love him (its something I FEEL not something he trys to sell me on ). I know this sounds nothing like love and just like craziness.. AM I alone does any other person love someone in this same or similar situation ?? can it be changed or are we doomed ???

Sorry for the long post. but there are 2 people and a step son who will lose out on the loves of their lives if I end this marriage ..

HE TRYS OCD.. one day I came home to my husband sitting on a chair shaking looking like he was about to throw up and die and he just pointed to our kitchen, he had FORCED himself to put all his little piles INSIDE the shelves like I think they should be. my heart broke because I saw how much he was trying and WANTED to be like everyone else and make me happy. of course it came out in other ways later... am jsut explaining that he TRYS SO hard...


I think he may have a little of BPD also because hes does the spiltting thing, and the Black and white deal., sometimes not with everything. as my GF's are either all sluts or angels LOL...

hes Weird with money. works extremaly HARD pays his bills always pays for dinner.... but would allow me to spend more if I allowed it. I HATE this because Im a generous person and do not want to have to WATCH it with the man I love.

he has a HARD time seeing his issues but eventually realizes them and try hard to change.

I am not listing the MANY great parts of our relationship.. because at this point its not relevent, Obviously theres enough great things for me to stay or I wouldnt be looking for help. but we do not have a chance if this leaving/begging me back for control... doesnt get fixed...

any comments anyone IM just sad... depressed, scared and do NOT know what to do....IM not a moron I understand relationships are built on trust, love & respect,

we are both very dominate,have our strong opinions, and outgoing, but both very loving, kind hearted and want to change.::(:
 
N

Nack

Banned
I'm not really sure what to say... I mean I'm not exactly good with relationships either, but it seems you're asking us if you should stay with him or not? Knowing that the problem is not him, but his mental conditions. Should you stay with him and endure the problems with him, or escape and be rid of the stressful relationship.

Its your choice...
 
Last edited:
W

WifeOfOcder

Member
Thank you So much for responding.

I realize no one can really tell me to stay or go. I suppose Im asking if this is a typical ocd mental condition pattern that can be worked on, or is it not an OCD a pattern at all that cannot be broken.. if it is what can my part be to help.. if its not that also

Im only now learning about all of this and think knowledge is power. and will play key in helping with my life altering decision.

I am becoming stressed and sick over it.. but if there is hope this can work Im willing too...I have seen my own therapst and he tells me without treating my husband he cannot give me great advice about his conditions... My husband has been being treated for 10 years in a differnt country 9where hes from). hes got a controlling mother who is amazing and sweet. but well he's 40 and he basically does what shes says lol.. So I am only getting second hand info and am taking it upon myself to seek answers and understanding.
 
N

Nack

Banned
There was a guy here recently who posted about his wife and her issues. I think you might be interested in it... I'll brb and look for it.

edit:

Nvm, Can't find it :|
 
Last edited:
R

Rockhopper

Well-known member
I have no idea if this will work, but thought I'd suggest it anyway...
Maybe you should organise regular days where he can get away, or a weekend every month. Such as at a friends place, his mum's or a getaway on his own. Then he may not feel the need to 'break up' to get away. As you said he only needs 3-4 days cooling off.

Apparently most men without OCD need to get away and have their own space before being able to come back and be close again. I think I read that in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It was saying men are like rubber bands, so they have to go away before they can spring back and be close again. They like to go into their caves. So generally for most it might just be reading the paper on their own or time tinkering in the shed or whatever. Maybe his version of this is just more extreme and he needs to get away. So if you could organise times to do this, then it might not have to happen in 'break up' situation.
Just a thought.
 
W

WifeOfOcder

Member
Rock,
That is a very good idea actually. I did know that about men & never even thought of THIS like that.... Perhaps something about his personality disorder makes that *thing* in him go the extra mile, and with my stubborness and non-understanding has created disaster.. He's a athlete & coach so he's also got that dominate testo thing going 1000 % also Brazilian and has to be the MAN (occording to his culture :-/.) so going to the cave makes sense lol

When I think about the times he gone beserko it was all after Big ordeals (big in HIS mind), Once me nagging him for a week because he had to work and wouldnt go travel with me, or once when he forced him self to put his ocd piles away in the kitchen..that ended in diasater also..Perhaps I need to look at this from a different perspective. think (outside the box)

NOw if I can only figure out a way to nicely *suggest* that he needs to go away lol... IM going to bring this idea up to him

Whatevever happens Im going to learn a hella lot from this
 
R

Rockhopper

Well-known member
I'm glad you found it useful and I really hope it works for you. Maybe buy the book or get it from the library as a starting point for conversation...like "I was reading this about men...so if you need to get away on a regular basis I think it would be a good idea...."

I think that those big ordeals would definitely make a man want to go into his cave, especially if he has OCD those things would appear a bigger deal than what they are.

Now I know for a fact that nagging doesn't work! All women do it and all men hate it. I was reading this other piece a while ago about this woman who was an animal trainer. So she decided to train her husband that way. You don't nag your animals, you reward them for the positive things they do and ignore the negative.

Don't really know if this bit of info is relevant, but it's amusing to know anyway. I use it on my boyfriend. He reckons he has OCD tendencies (I'm not so sure) like needing to wash up as soon as he's finished eating so he'll never sit and finish a meal with me and I'm left there eating on my own. Just a small thing but never the less, the times he does force himself to sit, I reward him a lot with compliments and kisses etc, and therefore he's more inclined to do it.

Let me know how it goes and good luck!
 
W

WifeOfOcder

Member
LMAO
Train him like I would an Animal. It makes perfect sense honestly.. I believe there is a lot of foundation for that.

I am laffing but seriously think it works.. now I need to find a way to have my crazy ass find the patience ,understanding and energy to do so. because the truth is reguardless of what happens they are all positve things that will help my personality in the end..
I always knew Id learn a LOT about myself in this relationship ..The bad thing is he was raised to HAVE NO conseqense (sp) for his behavior he was rasied as the golden child. he's doing the same thing to his my step son IM slowly getting it. I do not want to MAKE him pay but normal people learn this as children he never has interesting

Thanks Rock
 
Brokenx

Brokenx

1
I think you should stick with it, you both obviously feel strong love for eachother, and strong love will bind you through all your problems, just be there for him and make your feelings clear.
 
E

Emily_G

Well-known member
I believe strongly in the vows one says at their wedding ceremony. If there's not something like adultry or abuse, I would stick by, love, and support my husband.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top