help - my boyfriend is shy and i'm looking for answers

[helpme]

ok - so my boyfriend keeps telling me he's shy. and i see it. and i just don't know how to deal with him. i've known him for about 15 years but we've only been dating for about 7 months.

here's the thing....he seems really into me (i.e. putting photos of us in a frame in his bedroom) but then he can be so standoffish. we have a long distance relationship and we only see each other when i drive to see him. he has never come to see me where i live.....but he keeps telling me that once he does something the first time, he's ok with it and more comfortable with it. he seems flustered by the thought of driving to visit me. i can see it. he's anxious about it. he seems afraid to go outside his comfort zone.

but i can't bear the weight of the relationship. what can i do to ease some of the fear and burden he's carrying.

 

[Crimefish]

Yeah, I agree with what Masterpiece2 said. "Comfort zones" don't really exist in social phobia. They're more of an agoraphobia thing.
You may also want to consider the possibility that there's nothing wrong with him, and he's just shy.

 

[Remus]

well I've never agreed with the 'lucky to have you' philosaphy, relationships are about balance, dont put so much pressure into this relationship Helpme, take it as it comes, he may be shy but not SA, they are different things.

he does sound agorophobic though. you seem to be having doubts judging by your post, test his love if you must, say you want to end it, you'll see his commitment then, seems harse but you apppear desperate in the situation you are in.

 

[helpme]

Thanks! Very useful. I'm going to spend more time surfing around this site because it's loaded with information. I very much appreciate it.

BTW, i've never bought into the 'he's luck to have me' philosophy but i sincerly like him, i enjoy his company and we've been fabulous friends even before we started dating.

I appreciate the thoughts! Perhaps the most valuable insight from this exchange was the idea of not putting too much pressure on the relationship. i agree. i need to take it as it goes. I think it may need a bit more nurturing and understanding

 

[Moonie]

I'd just like to say that I appreciate the fact that you are there for your BF and are taking the time to get to know him. I am in a relationship right now (7 months as well) and my BF is outgoing, talkative, confident, etc. I am quite the opposite and sometimes I worry that he will finally just get sick of it all. I can tell that he lies social interaction and feel like I may be dampering his spirits. I am grateful that he is allowing me to warm up to him and become comfortable. He is probably the cloest I have been to another person in a long time. I would just say that patience and understanding is a good quality to have when in a relatioship with a shy person. Let them take their time. I love my BF so much - more than he probably knows -- but it's hard for me to express it at times.

 

[shamrock_girl]

I'd just like to say that I appreciate the fact that you are there for your BF and are taking the time to get to know him. I am in a relationship right now (7 months as well) and my BF is outgoing, talkative, confident, etc. I am quite the opposite and sometimes I worry that he will finally just get sick of it all. I can tell that he lies social interaction and feel like I may be dampering his spirits. I am grateful that he is allowing me to warm up to him and become comfortable. He is probably the cloest I have been to another person in a long time. I would just say that patience and understanding is a good quality to have when in a relatioship with a shy person. Let them take their time. I love my BF so much - more than he probably knows -- but it's hard for me to express it at times.

i'm with my boyfriend 11 years now so dont worry he is really outgoing too he can talk to anyone and i get really nervous before any situation he has to try calm me down lol poor thing but as he says if he didnt wanna be with he wouldnt still be there.

 

[stephen]

Perhaps the most valuable insight from this exchange was the idea of not putting too much pressure on the relationship. i agree. i need to take it as it goes. I think it may need a bit more nurturing and understanding

Assume for the moment that you are never able to 'fix' him. Would that be a problem for you? The last thing a person with an anxiety disorder needs is pressure. The last thing a person with low self esteem needs is the idea that they aren't good enough for you. If he gets the idea that you only want to be with him if he can change he is likely to just become more anxious and withdrawn. That's not to say don't try to help him but I agree that nurturing and understanding are hugely important in this situation.

 

[stephen]

I love my BF so much - more than he probably knows -- but it's hard for me to express it at times.

More than expressing love I find the hardest part of a relationship is resolving conflict. If my wife is upset about something and tries to bring it up I tend to get anxious and find it incredibly difficult to express myself coherently which just makes my wife more angry and it tends to be the worst way to resolve anything. Very frustrating for all involved.