bigDean636
Active member
Hey everyone, I'm Zack. I'm 18 year olds, a freshman at a four year University. I've recently been visiting these boards often, so I thought it'd be decent of me to make an introductory post. Here goes.
I believe that my anxiety began when I was seven or eight years old. I was bullied by a group of teenagers. Basically, they ganged up and me and made fun of me for being fat every day for about 2 years or so. I really don’t know what it is like to have self esteem or confidence. I truly feel worthless most of the day. I have a few friends, but none that I see regularly. My best friend is, in fact, my older brother. He's really the only person I ever hang out with. I am pretty easy to get along with. I'm very funny and clever once I become comfortable within a group of people. I make acquaintances relatively easily, but I rarely make friends. I distinguish those terms by examining whether or not I ever see a person outside of where I met them (for instance, school or work). In high school, I had plenty of acquaintances. I played football, so I had a social network to work from. However, I only had one friend throughout my high school career. Now that I am in college, my friend goes to another college and we don't see each other anymore. Since then, my older brother (as I said before) has really become my only good friend. It is undeniably pathetic to say, but I am nearly done with my first semester of college and I still don't know even the name of another student here. Since my roommate was moved out (to a room with another baseball player, he said) at the beginning of the semester, I've never met anyone. I get up, I go to class, and I come back to my dorm. This is my life. I go home on the weekends so I can relax with my family (who I love). I think that if I couldn't go home on the weekends, I would eventually end up killing myself. When I come up to college for the 5 days of classes, I quickly become extremely depressed.
Truly, my biggest problem is my body image. While I don't think it is necessarily distorted, I do believe I am too harsh. I am undeniably fat (6 foot 4 inches and 270 pounds). However, I work out regularly (obsessively at times). Stemming from the bullying during my childhood, I feel exceedingly ugly and fat when I am around others. I think the proper word for the way I view my physical appearance is defective. I don't believe that another person on the planet could be attracted to me. However, the point of this post is not for me to wallow in my own self-pity, so I will try to move on. The fact is that the way I look is a massive part of the my social anxiety, so I believe the point needed to be made.
Though I have trouble talking to most people that I don't know (contrarily, I have absolutely zero problems talking to someone I know well), I have incredible problems talking to girls that I am attracted to. Because of this, I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. The problem is so extreme that I will avoid eye contact and conversation with these girls to the point that it becomes downright awkward not to say something. For instance, in my Biology class, there is a girl that sits next to me. We have auditorium-style seating as it is a fairly big class, so everyday I have to stand up so she can get in to her seat. She literally sits less than a foot away from me (with only one seat in between us, the customary "buffer zone" between you and someone else that you don't know in auditorium or stadium seating). In all these times that I've gotten up and just generally sat right next to her, I've never once made eye contact or said a single word. There is no doubt within my mind that this is abnormal.
Strangely, working out is easier than going to class is. I think because I am a strong guy (strength being basically defaulted to you when you are this big - though it is little compensation) I tend to tell myself, "it doesn't matter if you don't have a good physique if you are strong". However, running on a treadmill around another people is absolutely agonizing. I HATE the way I look when I run, and I fear that everyone around me is staring at me.
By far, however, the most difficult part of college for me has been eating around other people. When I eat around my family, I'm fine. When I eat around strangers, I'm always afraid I am eating too much and other people are noticing. I can't help but worry that the people around me are thinking, "Look at that fat pig shoveling food into his mouth". As a cruel and twisted trick, however, this thinking does not deter me from eating more. I just find the most isolated corner I can find in the cafeteria, take my food, and feel bad about how much I am eating as I eat it.
Wow, I can't believe how long that post was. Thanks for reading, and don't be surprised if I decide to delete this post.
I believe that my anxiety began when I was seven or eight years old. I was bullied by a group of teenagers. Basically, they ganged up and me and made fun of me for being fat every day for about 2 years or so. I really don’t know what it is like to have self esteem or confidence. I truly feel worthless most of the day. I have a few friends, but none that I see regularly. My best friend is, in fact, my older brother. He's really the only person I ever hang out with. I am pretty easy to get along with. I'm very funny and clever once I become comfortable within a group of people. I make acquaintances relatively easily, but I rarely make friends. I distinguish those terms by examining whether or not I ever see a person outside of where I met them (for instance, school or work). In high school, I had plenty of acquaintances. I played football, so I had a social network to work from. However, I only had one friend throughout my high school career. Now that I am in college, my friend goes to another college and we don't see each other anymore. Since then, my older brother (as I said before) has really become my only good friend. It is undeniably pathetic to say, but I am nearly done with my first semester of college and I still don't know even the name of another student here. Since my roommate was moved out (to a room with another baseball player, he said) at the beginning of the semester, I've never met anyone. I get up, I go to class, and I come back to my dorm. This is my life. I go home on the weekends so I can relax with my family (who I love). I think that if I couldn't go home on the weekends, I would eventually end up killing myself. When I come up to college for the 5 days of classes, I quickly become extremely depressed.
Truly, my biggest problem is my body image. While I don't think it is necessarily distorted, I do believe I am too harsh. I am undeniably fat (6 foot 4 inches and 270 pounds). However, I work out regularly (obsessively at times). Stemming from the bullying during my childhood, I feel exceedingly ugly and fat when I am around others. I think the proper word for the way I view my physical appearance is defective. I don't believe that another person on the planet could be attracted to me. However, the point of this post is not for me to wallow in my own self-pity, so I will try to move on. The fact is that the way I look is a massive part of the my social anxiety, so I believe the point needed to be made.
Though I have trouble talking to most people that I don't know (contrarily, I have absolutely zero problems talking to someone I know well), I have incredible problems talking to girls that I am attracted to. Because of this, I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date. The problem is so extreme that I will avoid eye contact and conversation with these girls to the point that it becomes downright awkward not to say something. For instance, in my Biology class, there is a girl that sits next to me. We have auditorium-style seating as it is a fairly big class, so everyday I have to stand up so she can get in to her seat. She literally sits less than a foot away from me (with only one seat in between us, the customary "buffer zone" between you and someone else that you don't know in auditorium or stadium seating). In all these times that I've gotten up and just generally sat right next to her, I've never once made eye contact or said a single word. There is no doubt within my mind that this is abnormal.
Strangely, working out is easier than going to class is. I think because I am a strong guy (strength being basically defaulted to you when you are this big - though it is little compensation) I tend to tell myself, "it doesn't matter if you don't have a good physique if you are strong". However, running on a treadmill around another people is absolutely agonizing. I HATE the way I look when I run, and I fear that everyone around me is staring at me.
By far, however, the most difficult part of college for me has been eating around other people. When I eat around my family, I'm fine. When I eat around strangers, I'm always afraid I am eating too much and other people are noticing. I can't help but worry that the people around me are thinking, "Look at that fat pig shoveling food into his mouth". As a cruel and twisted trick, however, this thinking does not deter me from eating more. I just find the most isolated corner I can find in the cafeteria, take my food, and feel bad about how much I am eating as I eat it.
Wow, I can't believe how long that post was. Thanks for reading, and don't be surprised if I decide to delete this post.
