Hello SPW, its been, according to the statistics on the left, six months and 55,000 posts since I've visited you guys. I started keeping these Diaries(Dia's as I call them in shorthand, I just never really liked the word Diary) around August, and they lasted until September, and I felt much better emotionally while doing them. But I stopped, and then I stopped feeling better. So I decided to start up again, I just did this one and figured I might have a better chance of keeping up the Diary if it was on this site, for everyone to see. Quickly, in short, I think I have problems with being OCD, Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, and a f*&%ed up family Disorder. Dia:
[/start Dia]
God I need to work on things. I need to get more level with dad. Tell him I dont care about half the **** he says. Its just kind of sad, my whole predicament. How do I tell dad I don't appreciate what he's done for me? But thats beyond what I feel. I dont feel happiness on my Birthday because mom isnt there, or what I remember as my loving mother being there wasn't there. Do I go to moms or is it too cliché, like Im coming over just for presents? Do I say I don't want presents? Life is complicated, and it pains me to say that I haven't expeirenced it. I need to experience it. But I can never have that perfect family or even that god relationship with a parent. I would have to create that family on my own. Screw people and their happy families.
I say I havent been disciplined, well its true. Dad is such a softie he might as well be a pussy. Idk what he was like growing up or what he experienced to be able to let me off of things and not care about me so much, but I don't like it. And I've been living it. I've been living what I dont like. But I've been living it, so I don't know how to do it any other way. I'm just so ****ing lazy. Apathetic. Depressed. I have little confidence in myself. But I am learning optimism, and I was getting much better at combating these things, that was a few months ago. Then I started sleeping in.
I need to get a car. 19 and I dont even have a license. No wonder I'm depressed. I've looked at several cars, but I've never followed up. I have a job, I have money, I just make up excuses for not having time enough to get on craigslist and buy a ****ing car.
God I ****ing need to work on things. [/end Dia]
So that was me, twenty minutes ago, unedited (thats not true, I had to take the cuss words out).
Just thought I'd put it on here, I'm pretty sure this is the wrong forum, but hey. Comment as you wish, I look forward to it, thats what this place is for.
Thanks.
[/start Dia]
God I need to work on things. I need to get more level with dad. Tell him I dont care about half the **** he says. Its just kind of sad, my whole predicament. How do I tell dad I don't appreciate what he's done for me? But thats beyond what I feel. I dont feel happiness on my Birthday because mom isnt there, or what I remember as my loving mother being there wasn't there. Do I go to moms or is it too cliché, like Im coming over just for presents? Do I say I don't want presents? Life is complicated, and it pains me to say that I haven't expeirenced it. I need to experience it. But I can never have that perfect family or even that god relationship with a parent. I would have to create that family on my own. Screw people and their happy families.
I say I havent been disciplined, well its true. Dad is such a softie he might as well be a pussy. Idk what he was like growing up or what he experienced to be able to let me off of things and not care about me so much, but I don't like it. And I've been living it. I've been living what I dont like. But I've been living it, so I don't know how to do it any other way. I'm just so ****ing lazy. Apathetic. Depressed. I have little confidence in myself. But I am learning optimism, and I was getting much better at combating these things, that was a few months ago. Then I started sleeping in.
I need to get a car. 19 and I dont even have a license. No wonder I'm depressed. I've looked at several cars, but I've never followed up. I have a job, I have money, I just make up excuses for not having time enough to get on craigslist and buy a ****ing car.
God I ****ing need to work on things. [/end Dia]
So that was me, twenty minutes ago, unedited (thats not true, I had to take the cuss words out).
Just thought I'd put it on here, I'm pretty sure this is the wrong forum, but hey. Comment as you wish, I look forward to it, thats what this place is for.
Thanks.