monsieurb54
New member
Hey everyone, I'm new to the board. I've been dealing with OCD my entire life, but until recently I've been relatively free from any extreme problems related to the OCD for a while (I seem to have an OCD problem every year or two -- I don't deal with it continuously). All of my OCD obsessions have been fears of miserable feelings that certain actions have caused -- for example, in 4th grade I felt extreme guilt after I thought I tried to kill myself by holding my breath. After I was convinced I didn't try to kill myself, I had intrusive thoughts "trying" to bring the guilt back.
A lot of my OCD obsessions were SEXUAL obsessions, often involving my foot fetish. My current OCD problem started in January: I was in my bedroom one night after smoking marijuana and I was masturbating on my bed. I was masturbating when I had a weed-induced thought: how about I try masturbating to my DAD'S feet and see if I can get off to them? I pondered the idea, then figured it wouldn't bother me too much. So I did so (I didn't have any sexual reaction to the thought of them). After I ejaculated, I sat up kind of stunned since I couldn't believe I had just masturbated to MALE feet. I was feeling some light distress, but nothing major. But I was concerned that I had done what I did so I went to a male foot fetish site on my computer to try to get off to male feet on there in order to see if I liked male feet or not. This was me doing "CHECKING" in order to see whether I had some kind of gay foot fetish or not. Each time I tried to get a sexual reaction to male feet, I became more and more distressed/agitated. I was also getting a TINY bit of sexual satisfaction from some of the pics, and the fact that I was able to do so ALSO caused distress/anguish.
This continued for about 5 weeks: each time I "checked" and/or masturbated to the few pics that got me off, I felt some light distress for a couple days, then it went away. I was feeling a tiny bit of sexual pleasure when I went to these male foot fetish websites sometimes, but almost always I lost my erection. Then 5 weeks later it hit me: EXTREME DISTRESS and ANGUISH that was almost unbearable. I just sort of realized this one day when I was just completely overwhelmed with it. All the checking and the masturbating to the few pics that I had a sexual reaction to (which I was doing in an attempt to numb myself to the distress feelings) was causing MORE distress, which just snowballed more and more. I consciously avoided doing attempting to get off to male feet for three weeks, after which I felt completely back to normal for a little while. (the distress/anguish was so strong that I lost 12 pounds in two weeks from lack of appetite/eating).
I then saw my cognitive-therapist a few weeks later, who told me I should expose myself to pictures of male feet in order to neutralize the fear of the "distress" emotions from them. Instead, I decided to spend that week doing CBT by TRYING TO MASTURBATE AND GET OFF to the pictures non-stop until I wouldn't feel the distress/anguish anymore. I soon stopped this, however, because it was causing me MORE misery. I think this was causing me more misery because I knew that attempting to get off to male feet is not something that would be integrated into my life full-time, so the attempt to numb myself to the misery of doing so would be a vicious cycle of MORE misery.
After thinking about things a bit, I realized that I THINK I may have been doing things the wrong way: I originally thought my compulsion was AVOIDING trying to get off to male feet, but now I think my compulsion was CHECKING by attempting to masturbate to the male feet pics. So now my strategy is to NOT to try to masturbate to male feet pics (which was causing me misery), but instead to not think about it and when I get an intrusive thought "trying" to get me to feel a sexual reaction to male feet, I'm simply going to dismiss it by saying "This is just an OCD thought. This is meaningless."
In conclusion, I'm not afraid of whether or not I have a gay foot fetish, but I AM afraid of the anguish and distress of trying to get off to male feet, because I'm scared I might somehow "accidentally" get off to male feet when I have an intrusive thought, and this will cause the mental distress and anguish I'm terrified of.
My question is: do any of you guys have any other advice for how to counter these intrusive thoughts? And if I do think I "act" on a thought by thinking about it for a split second for pleasure and I start to feel the misery, what should my mental response be to the obsessional thoughts telling me I'm GOING to feel misery? Thanks so much for any and all help you guys may give.
A lot of my OCD obsessions were SEXUAL obsessions, often involving my foot fetish. My current OCD problem started in January: I was in my bedroom one night after smoking marijuana and I was masturbating on my bed. I was masturbating when I had a weed-induced thought: how about I try masturbating to my DAD'S feet and see if I can get off to them? I pondered the idea, then figured it wouldn't bother me too much. So I did so (I didn't have any sexual reaction to the thought of them). After I ejaculated, I sat up kind of stunned since I couldn't believe I had just masturbated to MALE feet. I was feeling some light distress, but nothing major. But I was concerned that I had done what I did so I went to a male foot fetish site on my computer to try to get off to male feet on there in order to see if I liked male feet or not. This was me doing "CHECKING" in order to see whether I had some kind of gay foot fetish or not. Each time I tried to get a sexual reaction to male feet, I became more and more distressed/agitated. I was also getting a TINY bit of sexual satisfaction from some of the pics, and the fact that I was able to do so ALSO caused distress/anguish.
This continued for about 5 weeks: each time I "checked" and/or masturbated to the few pics that got me off, I felt some light distress for a couple days, then it went away. I was feeling a tiny bit of sexual pleasure when I went to these male foot fetish websites sometimes, but almost always I lost my erection. Then 5 weeks later it hit me: EXTREME DISTRESS and ANGUISH that was almost unbearable. I just sort of realized this one day when I was just completely overwhelmed with it. All the checking and the masturbating to the few pics that I had a sexual reaction to (which I was doing in an attempt to numb myself to the distress feelings) was causing MORE distress, which just snowballed more and more. I consciously avoided doing attempting to get off to male feet for three weeks, after which I felt completely back to normal for a little while. (the distress/anguish was so strong that I lost 12 pounds in two weeks from lack of appetite/eating).
I then saw my cognitive-therapist a few weeks later, who told me I should expose myself to pictures of male feet in order to neutralize the fear of the "distress" emotions from them. Instead, I decided to spend that week doing CBT by TRYING TO MASTURBATE AND GET OFF to the pictures non-stop until I wouldn't feel the distress/anguish anymore. I soon stopped this, however, because it was causing me MORE misery. I think this was causing me more misery because I knew that attempting to get off to male feet is not something that would be integrated into my life full-time, so the attempt to numb myself to the misery of doing so would be a vicious cycle of MORE misery.
After thinking about things a bit, I realized that I THINK I may have been doing things the wrong way: I originally thought my compulsion was AVOIDING trying to get off to male feet, but now I think my compulsion was CHECKING by attempting to masturbate to the male feet pics. So now my strategy is to NOT to try to masturbate to male feet pics (which was causing me misery), but instead to not think about it and when I get an intrusive thought "trying" to get me to feel a sexual reaction to male feet, I'm simply going to dismiss it by saying "This is just an OCD thought. This is meaningless."
In conclusion, I'm not afraid of whether or not I have a gay foot fetish, but I AM afraid of the anguish and distress of trying to get off to male feet, because I'm scared I might somehow "accidentally" get off to male feet when I have an intrusive thought, and this will cause the mental distress and anguish I'm terrified of.
My question is: do any of you guys have any other advice for how to counter these intrusive thoughts? And if I do think I "act" on a thought by thinking about it for a split second for pleasure and I start to feel the misery, what should my mental response be to the obsessional thoughts telling me I'm GOING to feel misery? Thanks so much for any and all help you guys may give.
