embarassing retail experiences
Oh man, I can definately relate to that. I got a tatto yesterday (300 bucks) and I was rendered virtually broke. I had to go to a supermarket and use a coinstar with a bunch of change to get some cash (yes I do keep a jar of change for such a financial situation, for it happens fairly often
). I havent really been in such a place like that in months, and I havent really left my house prior to that time in a few days, and just going into the place was shocking, as I felt like a fish out of water. One I approached the store I was overcome with embarassment, feeling like garbage, and thinking that people were judging me, and looking at me like I was a loser or something of that nature. Worse yet, I was waiting behind a very down - trodden old man who was fumbiling around with the device, and taking a great deal of time trying to get it to work.
So to my dismay, my torment was prolonged as people were walking by seeing me in "line" for the coinstar, and I was thinking "Damnit, now I am being compared to the likes of..." and right before I could finish the thought, one of my students (for my guitar lessons) walked in, because he worked there, and I was thoroughly embarassed with myself, given my position in the kids life. I had to force myself to assume my
outgoing teacher persona and to explain the situation adequately and then awkwardly laugh it off. He left, and the coinstar was open. I quickly and shamefully put my change in, and out comes a fantastic 4 dollars and 70 cents. I was so upset with wht a great waste of time I was enduring, and I figured that while I was there, I should just redeem it for the hell of it.
I tentatively approached the customer service desk, and my stomach turned upside - down as an attractive, bright eyed girl about my age (19 or so) approached the desk, and asked me if I needed anything. I just looked down at the counter and said "Uh... I need to redeem... this.... voucher... yeah... hahah" and she, unphased, just scanned the cupon and handed me my cash (which just about less for me to pay for driving there, and back in my 95 caddy). The mental torment, and embarassment and shame I endured proved to be less than the final event of the ordeal. As she handed me my "earnings", her and I made eye contact. I NEVER make eye contact with anyone, ever. It's against the rules for me. I hate to admit but I am terrified with making eye contact with people I don't know. But at this point I was so taken by her soft, and aesthetically pleasing facial features that as she looked up at me our eyes met for about 1 second as she parrotted one of the many ubiquitious retail mantras: "Have a nice day".
Worse yet, her face, as she said it, remained blank. It was as ambiguous as it ever could have been. Ambiguity triggers the worst of my phantastic creativity and I immediately start putting the pieces of that nonexistant puzzle together in the worst possible ways and I start projecting my own self loathing onto things of the such and I start to hear myself thinking things like "This person defiantely thinks that you suck, and that you are a moron etc etc" because there was no positive indication of any sort of emotion accompanying our interaction. I would have been more satisfyed with a disgusted face just so that I wouldnt have been left in the dark about how she felt. Now heres the problem, why do I care? I intellectually understand the fact that people's opinions about me don't matter at all. But the way I FEEL is so disconnected with my rationality in this department that its almost impossible to reach a decent medium between the two elements like I can in almost every other department, so to speak. Ive been told that I over analyze, but thats the primary cause of my SA. Fuck, I mean, this 10 minutes or so of typing following a day of pacing and thinking and chain smoking was brought about by a simple event that would hardly even phase a person who wasnt afflicted with such caustic, and despariging thoghts.
Anyone know what I mean, or am I beyond help?
