Have I lost this friend for good?

[loreocookie]

I recently had a falling out with someone that I had been friends with for about a year. I had seen him only a few times over the year, but we had kept in contract through the phone or email. When I was introduced to him, I was told that he is very very shy. I would agree as I found him hard to read. We had tried to date for a week, but he kept sticking his foot in his mouth and I couldn't figure him out, so I stopped seeing him. I guess I concluded that he wasn't that interested in me at the time because of the weirdness of how he acted. Over the year when I would run into him, he would stare at me kind of longlingly which I thought was a little weird.

Fast forward to now and for many months he has been emailing me and pursuing and saying he wanted to be with me. I kept him at a distance because of what happened last time...in which I had thought he maybe only liked me in a lukewarm way. So I finally agreed to see him thinking he must really like me and once again he backed off. I finally did see him, but he seemed weird. And then I didn't hear from him for a while. Then once again he was pursuing again but not following through on any in person contact.

So two months after seeing him, I finally asked if everything was okay or if I made him uncomfortable because he keeps emailing or calling and saying he wants to see me but then doesn't follow through. (I mean pursuing really hard too) He starts ranting about how he told me that he wasn't ready to be exclusive and that he was hung up on some other girl but that he liked me. I told him that it seemed like he was exclusive already as he doesn't seem to want to see me at all and I just didn't want to be hanging on if he isn't interested in getting to know each other. He told me he hadn't seen her any more than me. I told him that, "Well I haven't seen you in two months and that's not really dating then." He went insane angry saying that the conversation was over. My impression is that I embarrassed him. I kept saying sorry and that I just wanted to understand why he was doing what he was doing.

He used to work in my office, so I know him and people who know him. I was told that he tends to pine over girls and lives in his own little world. They said they think he was telling me the truth, that he probably hasn't been seeing her and that he is just fantasizing about her. And I would say that since he seemed to think of us as "dating" then he obviously isn't in reality on that either because I don't consider seeing someone once every couple of months dating. I'm pretty certain that he isn't a player or anything. I think he has some sort of social issues and anxiety. (did I mention we work on computers for a living, lol)

I know he has issues with women and thinks they are all psycho. He hasn't had a dating relationship in years and even then people wondered because they never met the "girlfriend." He's very good looking but also very very low self-esteemed. Everytime I talked to him, there was some incident where he thought he was ugly because of something someone said or did, or he was reading negative things into things people said or did. I'm really really certain he has APD and he may even know it being that he had been in counseling for a while. He confided a lot in me, such as he feels very inexperienced with women, has a few nervous in the bedroom issues, etc.

The thing I'm wondering, is have I lost this friend for good? This isn't the first time he has blown up on me like this and I can't keep apologizing and eating crow for it when he is the one losing it over something and is being emotionally unstable. Some of his retorts to me this last time were a bit disrespectful. I didn't realize until his comment about us "dating," that he may be living in a little bit of nonreality. Had I known, I would have focused more on being a friend to him than dating. I would have tried to help him more as a friend. I really hate that we aren't friends anymore. I'm guessing he probably won't come back on his own?? What does everyone think of this?

 

[Darryl]

Friends will always be friends some closer than others.
In my situation I don't know If I could handle the extra baggage.
This is is my opinion, not professional just from my own experierances.
Kind regards Darryl

 

[Harleyq]

If you want to continue the relationship, I think it's entirely possible. He seems flighty and once he calms down, I have a feeling he might start pursuing you again. Personally, I think if you find yourself frequently stressed out around him and he seems more like a source of baggage than an actual friend, you should cut your ties, for your own good. I know it hurts a lot but sometimes there's only so much you can do and you've got to protect yourself first and foremost. You can't let him distress your life so much that you feel negatively/anxious/confused about this guy more often than you feel positively.

I had a similar situation, as far as having a neurotic friend, anyways. She was my closest, best friend for 13 years - I mean, I knew this girl's personality inside and out. However, she was a compulsive liar and very insecure. She'd make up these really grandiose stories and most of the time I just went with it but there were a few occasions where I busted her out and then she would throw a fit and I would end up apologizing, just to save the friendship.

Then, she got a "boyfriend" (they didn't really do much together) and he developed a crush on me. As a result, I found myself in the midst of her storms more and more often, constantly apologizing for things that weren't my fault, and finding out that she'd been spreading rumors about me behind my back because I was "trying to steal her bf".

Eventually I terminated our friendship and told her I'll always care about her, I'll always be there for her, but I couldn't take the constant lying and apologizing anymore. I remember crying my eyes out for a whole day over ending that friendship and initially I felt like worst person in the world.

It was for the better though. After a while, my anxiety decreased a lot and I no longer felt the need to walk on eggshells or constantly wonder what I was in for next time I communicated with her.

 

[Jin]

@lore0cookie

i think your friend needs to get his own personal problem fixed before taking/having relationship with you or somebody else...... if u really want to save your friendship i think you made the right choice in leaving him and make him think what he was doing wrong up to this time.....

 

[Jin]

If you want to continue the relationship, I think it's entirely possible. He seems flighty and once he calms down, I have a feeling he might start pursuing you again. Personally, I think if you find yourself frequently stressed out around him and he seems more like a source of baggage than an actual friend, you should cut your ties, for your own good. I know it hurts a lot but sometimes there's only so much you can do and you've got to protect yourself first and foremost. You can't let him distress your life so much that you feel negatively/anxious/confused about this guy more often than you feel positively.

I had a similar situation, as far as having a neurotic friend, anyways. She was my closest, best friend for 13 years - I mean, I knew this girl's personality inside and out. However, she was a compulsive liar and very insecure. She'd make up these really grandiose stories and most of the time I just went with it but there were a few occasions where I busted her out and then she would throw a fit and I would end up apologizing, just to save the friendship.

Then, she got a "boyfriend" (they didn't really do much together) and he developed a crush on me. As a result, I found myself in the midst of her storms more and more often, constantly apologizing for things that weren't my fault, and finding out that she'd been spreading rumors about me behind my back because I was "trying to steal her bf".

Eventually I terminated our friendship and told her I'll always care about her, I'll always be there for her, but I couldn't take the constant lying and apologizing anymore. I remember crying my eyes out for a whole day over ending that friendship and initially I felt like worst person in the world.

It was for the better though. After a while, my anxiety decreased a lot and I no longer felt the need to walk on eggshells or constantly wonder what I was in for next time I communicated with her.

hmmm reminds me of my friend...... i terminated our friendship because of him telling fabricated stories about me.... well now i get rid of him.... maybe that should teach him a lesson....