Has anyone ever been accused of being too "intense&quot

[seekingpeace]

I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this. Last year someone I loved very much told me that people don't like me because I'm too intense. Actually I supplied the word intense when she had trouble coming up with a word to describe it, so I don't know if that's exactly what she meant, but she agreed so it must be close. I stopped having serious conversations with her after that, afraid to drive her away completely and she acts very confused and doesn't understand why I don't come around much anymore.

I wish there was someone to talk to about all of this. People think I'm selfish and that I don't care about them because I don't want to spend time around them, but it's because I don't want them to come to hate me that I avoid them, and they don't understand, of course, because they are normal (for the most part, anyway :wink: ) It's all just such a f**ked up mess, and I don't know where to begin. I can't afford meds or therapy, has anyone had success with self-help books or anything?

A couple of days ago, I read a description of AvPD that made me sit back and say "Wow, they've just described me perfectly." Then I found this site and reading posts from the ppl here has really helped me to know that I'm not alone and just plain nutso.

I would be happy to read any suggestions/advice anyone has. Thanks!

 

[Milkdrops]

Tell us more about what your like socially like umong friends like you say about how you may be too intense how do you mean do you like talk too much maybe come across as overpowering might be your trying too hard but give us some more info on how you think you are socially so we can get a better idea.

 

[seekingpeace]

Hmmm... describe myself and how I relate to people... that's a tough one for me, but I'll give it a shot. First, you have to understand that I don't spend much time around other people. When I am around others it is rare that I express an opinion about anything important, especially if it might require me to defend that opinion with facts, because my memory sucks! Plus, I get really nervous (characterized by slight stuttering and inability to recall words) when I have to defend an opinion because, when I was young, my dad seemed to see that as a perfect opportunity to verbally attack until someone cried Uncle or went silent and refused to speak (the tactic I used most often). If I do inadvertently offer an opinion and someone disagrees I will usually drop the subject immediately. So I don't think anyone would describe me as overbearing, and I am usually the quietest one in the crowd. It is very hard for anyone to get to know the real me, the thoughts and opinions that I hold inside. To most people I think I come across as uncaring or indifferent, since I usually avoid anything that has to do with emotion, although I feel other people's emotions very strongly.

The friend that I spoke of who said I was intense was the first person in 10 years who I spent any time with outside of work. She was going through the loss of her mother and a break-up with her partner about 3 years ago and I became the one who held her when she cried and who let her spill out every emotion onto me when she needed to. She tried to get inside my head and I let her in as far as I could tolerate, because I loved her and I wanted a friend whom I could spend time with and confide in. I hoped to learn from her how to express myself, so I could be a better friend, and how to show love and concern for others, which is something I didn't learn at home. Unfortunately, I think she saw too much of the depression, saw that I wasn't as strong and confident as she'd thought I was, and when I needed someone to tell me that it was going to be ok, that I would get through it, I was suddenly too needy and a whiner. Keep in mind that I rarely reach out to people when I'm in need, I don't even usually know what it is that I need or how to express it and I've learned that people can't be relied upon when times get tough. I wasn't calling her and begging for her attention or anything like that. I don't cry in front of people, even her, and I don't show anger, although irritation sometimes shows its ugly face. I am extremely loyal to people who earn my love and respect. But I can't confront them when they hurt me, instead I avoid them and I turn that hurt inward against myself. I try to be cheerful and upbeat, and when I can't present that face to the world, I hide from everyone.

As I wrote all this I remembered something else she told me that day... that I just needed to learn to relax. Easy for someone to say that doesn't have SP or AvPD, that doesn't feel like she has to hide anything. I've learned over the years that if I admit any of my negative feelings aloud that people will abandon me. I don't know how to be one of those people who lets it all hang out and then deals with hurt and disappointment when people let you down, but I would like to learn.

I suppose when she said I was intense what she meant was that she felt the anxiety that I experience whenever I let someone get close, the fear that she would abandon me when it was my turn to need her to listen, understand and empathize. Which, as it turns out, is basically what happened. We still speak occasionally, but it's very superficial conversation and usually all about her. And I do feel a little bitter about that, as if you couldn't tell...

How does one undo all the learned behaviors of the past and learn a different way to relate to people?

 

[MarCPatt]

Yes, people accuse me of taking life too much by the horns and not letting my guard down and just relaxing. Must be the post-traumatic-stress disorder I have. :evil: