Harming the ones you love

[puddboy]

Looking back, I've alwasy had this form of OCD to an extent, but it only got worse just over a year ago.

I have thoughts of harming to the ones I love, including my wife. I get so upset by the thoughts that pop in my head, I feel like such an awful person, but I worry that I'll actually carry the act out. I hate touching the knives in our house when we're both in the kitchen, because I think to myself, 'Oh my God, I could actually doing something horrible right now.' Of course I never do and the thought is so wretched but I'm afraid that one of these days I'll do it. I've mentioned this once to her and she freaked out, which is really frustrating because now I can't talk to her about it without her thinking something is terribly wrong with me and that she should fear for her safety. It's not just those thoughts, I get them all. Fear of being a pedophile, fear of hitting someone with my car. I'm terrified of jail so of course I think about things that would land me in jail and then I worry that I'll do them.

Other people have commented on this, but it is true that OCD latches on to whatever you value the most and tries to turn it against you. In the case of my wife, I love her to death yet I have these awful thoughts about her and not about a random friend.

Some days are better than others, but it's always there. It's the whole concept of free-will that I think OCDers struggle with. We have the free will to do so many things, both good and bad, yet we choose only to do certain things. If there are no boundries because of free will, what's stopping us from carrying out these acts? What if we lose whatever it is that stops us and do these awful things? The thought is that the act you despise but can't get out of your head will inevitably occur. You wrestle with yourself everyday about it, creating an ongoing torment.

My OCD occurs worst when I have a hangover. I've stopped drinking for periods of time, but it's still there, only not so bad as the day after I drank.


Anyways, writing this has been theraputic. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has similar thoughts.

 

[DDaKidd]

Hi puddboy.

This reminds me of those documentaries about little boys (or girls) hitting their brothers and sisters after watching a violent cartoon or tv series (Power Rangers as an example).

One of the best ways humans have of learning a new thing; is by first observing, then copying. It's something humans do during their whole lives, even subconsciously. Toddlers learn to walk this way.

This world is full of violence everywhere, and the problem you're having is that maybe you're watching too many violent films, reading too many violent books or watching the news too much (the war on Iraq isn't helping much).

This way, you're subconsciously learning new "fighting skills." Whenever you see something related to violence (eg. a knife), you subconsciously activate these violent thoughts, forcing you to act in an irrationally violent manner. When you start to think in a rationaly and conscious way of what you're about to do you start thinking "OMG, what am I doing?"

The truth is that you're the same person you've always been, and you're just "polluted" with all these violent images we're used to watching on TV.

Conclusion:

- What you have to do, is to avoid watching anything that is violent. It's best if you read the news online or in the newspaper than on TV, and avoid reading anything about the iraqi war (if possible).

- Watch comical and friendly movies and TV shows instead (eg. "Friends" it's one of my favourites) and read books that are more related to friendship, family and love.

- Whenever you're having violent thoughts; calm down and think rationally that you would never do that, that you love/like the person in font of you, and do the exact opposite (eg. kissing and hugging you wife ).

Hope I've been helpful. See you later.

 

[puddboy]

Hey DDaKidd,
Thank you very much for your response. I agree with your point; avoiding the enablers (violent TV, etc) is something I've thought about doing but was never sure if they in fact contributed to my OCD thoughts. I now think they do.

I'm going to make more of an effort to avoid those triggers. Thanks again!

 

[DDaKidd]

Your welcome. Cheers!!

 

[Musicocd]

Personally, I don't think your thoughts have anything to do with watching violent programmes. Have you ever been to a doctor about the thoughts? It sounds to me as if you're describing something known as 'Pure O' ocd, where you get obsessive thoughts but no, or few, compulsions. I was having thoughts like these even before I'd ever watched a violent programme. I believe they are not copied from the world around us but come from within our own minds, our own creation of what we know will hurt other people.

 

[Aoeu]

Looking back, I've alwasy had this form of OCD to an extent, but it only got worse just over a year ago.

I have thoughts of harming to the ones I love, including my wife. I get so upset by the thoughts that pop in my head, I feel like such an awful person, but I worry that I'll actually carry the act out. I hate touching the knives in our house when we're both in the kitchen, because I think to myself, 'Oh my God, I could actually doing something horrible right now.' Of course I never do and the thought is so wretched but I'm afraid that one of these days I'll do it. I've mentioned this once to her and she freaked out, which is really frustrating because now I can't talk to her about it without her thinking something is terribly wrong with me and that she should fear for her safety. It's not just those thoughts, I get them all. Fear of being a pedophile, fear of hitting someone with my car. I'm terrified of jail so of course I think about things that would land me in jail and then I worry that I'll do them.

Other people have commented on this, but it is true that OCD latches on to whatever you value the most and tries to turn it against you. In the case of my wife, I love her to death yet I have these awful thoughts about her and not about a random friend.

Some days are better than others, but it's always there. It's the whole concept of free-will that I think OCDers struggle with. We have the free will to do so many things, both good and bad, yet we choose only to do certain things. If there are no boundries because of free will, what's stopping us from carrying out these acts? What if we lose whatever it is that stops us and do these awful things? The thought is that the act you despise but can't get out of your head will inevitably occur. You wrestle with yourself everyday about it, creating an ongoing torment.

My OCD occurs worst when I have a hangover. I've stopped drinking for periods of time, but it's still there, only not so bad as the day after I drank.


Anyways, writing this has been theraputic. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has similar thoughts.

Wow, it's like you read my mind and wrote down my exact thoughts. This is exactly the same as what I'm going through now, right down to the thoughts about free will and hitting people with the car. I'm going through CBT now and I'm having a great deal of success with it. I was a complete nervous wreck when I started and the difference compared to now is like night and day. I highly recommend it.

I'll disagree with the post about avoidance. CBT makes you face those fears and the more you face them the less anxiety they cause. This week was my behavior experiment in challenging these harming thoughts and as counter-intuitive and anxiety stirring as it seemed at first it is working very well.

Months ago I was avoiding a lot of things attempting to minimize my anxiety about these thoughts. Hiding pocket knives, not holding knives, not watching or reading anything violent in any way, not listening to any music that was violent. You'd be surprised by how many innocent shows/songs end up having the word "dead" or "harm" or things like that.

I might be mistaken but I think avoidance is a form of compulsion when it comes to OCD. Avoidance may not make your thoughts go away, in fact convincing yourself that you NEED to avoid these things to prevent you from actually carrying out your thoughts may only end up reinforcing your fears about harm. I know that's what happened to me.

Similar to people with OCD about contamination, avoiding dirty or contaminated items will only serve to increase their anxiety about dirt/germs/contamination.

I'm not a mental health specialist so I would really recommend you see a professional. It has helped me immensely. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and each week my quality of life is improving. It's not easy by any means but well worth it in my opinion to get your life back.

 

[xLingshenx]

Looking back, I've alwasy had this form of OCD to an extent, but it only got worse just over a year ago.

I have thoughts of harming to the ones I love, including my wife. I get so upset by the thoughts that pop in my head, I feel like such an awful person, but I worry that I'll actually carry the act out. I hate touching the knives in our house when we're both in the kitchen, because I think to myself, 'Oh my God, I could actually doing something horrible right now.' Of course I never do and the thought is so wretched but I'm afraid that one of these days I'll do it. I've mentioned this once to her and she freaked out, which is really frustrating because now I can't talk to her about it without her thinking something is terribly wrong with me and that she should fear for her safety. It's not just those thoughts, I get them all. Fear of being a pedophile, fear of hitting someone with my car. I'm terrified of jail so of course I think about things that would land me in jail and then I worry that I'll do them.

Other people have commented on this, but it is true that OCD latches on to whatever you value the most and tries to turn it against you. In the case of my wife, I love her to death yet I have these awful thoughts about her and not about a random friend.

Some days are better than others, but it's always there. It's the whole concept of free-will that I think OCDers struggle with. We have the free will to do so many things, both good and bad, yet we choose only to do certain things. If there are no boundries because of free will, what's stopping us from carrying out these acts? What if we lose whatever it is that stops us and do these awful things? The thought is that the act you despise but can't get out of your head will inevitably occur. You wrestle with yourself everyday about it, creating an ongoing torment.

My OCD occurs worst when I have a hangover. I've stopped drinking for periods of time, but it's still there, only not so bad as the day after I drank.


Anyways, writing this has been theraputic. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has similar thoughts.

This reminds me of my problem. my intrusive blasphemous and sexual thoughts of God. Sometimes I question if it's truly all 100% OCD or if it's just OCD. I don't want to give in. I fear giving in. But sometimes the paon is so overwhelming. it feels as though I am being bullied and physically forced to do something I don't want to do. Sometimes if I tell it no, it will get stronger. one time I actually thought I was posessed..

 

[thequirkster]

First of all, these intrusive, violent thoughts are a very common OCD obsession. Through no fault of your own, you just have these thoughts. I get them too. It's normal for someone with OCD.

Secondly, the link between our "violent society" and violent intrusive thoughts is tenuous at best. Watching animated movies will NOT, and I'm absolutely confident about this, stop you from having violent thoughts.

From the doctors that I've seen and been treated by, they all agree that it is the fact that you find the thought so repulsive that causes you to obsess about it and have intrusive thoughts about it, not because you watched "Tango & Cash" last night. In fact, my CBT doctor remarked that if he were in a room of people who were all carrying knives, he would feel safest among those with OCD because the thought of acting on those violent intrusive thoughts is so repulsive and repugnant that they would never act on them. I believe this.

Don't worry. Violent, intrusive thoughts don't make you a murderer. They simply mean that you most likely suffer from OCD.

Also, one of the things I've learned from doing CBT is that avoidance is NOT an advisable way to deal with OCD. By going out of your way to avoid a certain situation, you are placing importance on the act itself. So, by not doing it, you are acknowledging that it's too hard to do, which simply feeds into you becoming more obsessed over it.

I don't propose to have all the answers. I've just been to alot of doctors. I, too, struggle with OCD and am unable to work because it. But with the right medication and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I know that I can eventually lead a normal life. The OCD might never go away, but with the right treatment you can live with it.

I believe it can be done and so I'm trying my best. Good luck to you guys.

 

[msvelmalyn]

I have been dealing with harm obsessions for about 3 years now. I had all the CBT and meds then I had my 5th child so I was weaned off everything. I have horrible images of killing all of my family. And it is the absolute worse when I am actually mad at my kids and the two thought processes actually collide. Because your kids can really make you want to go bezerk for real!!!
I read one of the emails to you and I actually stay away from violent news images because it triggers it for me too but I believe that the doctors and therapist that specialize in all of this will say to use it as something to desensitize yourself. To force yourself to watch it.
Your wife needs to be more understanding. Fortunately for me I have a flight Nurse at a major university that understands it very well and is my biggest biggest support ever! You need a safe person. Some one that can talk you through it to make you realize that it will be okay that you are a good person, safe and loving. Your wife would be most ideal but she needs to learn more about it. You should not be made to keep it all in from her that is not fair to you-for better or for worse. She needs to make herself available to you and help you but then she will need a place to unload it too. We all need that. We all need to unload in a healthy way. Try to find things to laugh about-I know its very hard. But try to laugh and laugh and laugh. It will let it go for awhile. And always ask God to grant you the graces for each day. Fortitude is built up in us I think. God bless you and hang in there. I absolutely know how rotten it can be at times. But remember not to get all down on yourself when it rears its ugly head. I have bouts every 2-3 months for a bout 3-7 days and then it disappears. Foind a therapist that specializes in it NOT just an regular psych that takes care of all anxietydisorders. Its not a mental illness it is an anxiety disorder. But we can get depressed by it which can be mental. Hang in there

 

[Mondo]

Wow the support here is great, this is what I like to see from a forum like this. Only a sufferer can relate to the pain you get from OCD symptoms and offer wisdom that works for them. I can relate, yet do don't have ocd. How i do relate is because I am an alcoholic and attend AA. The preimise of AA is one addict helping another, because like many other things only an addict/ alcholic can relate and gain the trust of another. The importance also is there is a program for change and the best teachers aren't the "paid ones" but fellow alcoholics, for they went through the same feelings, pain etc and found a way out.

So listen to the people who went through the same problem (and of course counsellers and specialists) and find the way out for you. With the insights, coping stragies and direction you can heal. And like you with my "noisy" head, I can't think my way into good thinking, only with the insights, coping stragies and direction can you.

 

[Sisi]

It is very wrong to avoid things that you fear. When you face your fear gradually it goes away in a matter of days. The more you immerse yourself in what you fear the sooner you get rid of the fear .
I used to be afraid that I would harm children . Now I have my own
I totally got rid of my OCD. But I was very determined to do whatever I needed to do. And I read a lot about CBT.
CBT is the only thing that can cure it .

I am really sorry that I don't have much time to write more . There is hope, dont't listen to all the bad stories. The bad soried on the internet made me depressed when I had OCD . But there was one guy that kept saying that CBT can cure or almost cure OCD and that's how I started CBT.

Just one more thing : i have never taken any medication for OCD. So it is possible.

 

[Ilove2love]

xLingshenx
I can relate with you thinking you were posessed, ive been through that too. I Thought I had an evil spirit making me think these things and i was trying to fight it, this was before i realised i had OCD, such a scary thing when you don't feel like you have control of your own mind.

Ive been on prozac for 4 weeks now and the thoughts are getting better but still come, i am now waiting for a councelling session which ive been waiting for for about 5 weeks now since i first when to doctor sobbing and shaking after the horrible thoughts, he didnt have a clue what was wrong with me, which made me feel even more crazy and sent me into a deep state of depression and I hated myself!

I had to find my symptoms on the internet write down all i was going through and thinking then took them into the doctor and he said yeah you definately have OCD and put me on prozac. The thing is i just cant believe how little help you get from the nhs, i hate to think of other people out there thinking theyre going crazy and not getting the help they need!