SurvivingTwoYears
New member
I have probably survived the worst 2 yrs of my life and now through endless reading online, I found this forum. Skimmed a few times. Deciding I am going to seek help but I would like to reach out anonymously first. I did this when I had a potential for testicular cancer and instead of obsessing...I posted on a TC forum, got the courage to go seek help... turned out, what I feared was nothing but a valid concern (there was a small lump) but nothing to fear too much. Now I am taking on something even bigger...
I am now 28 years old and have had some OCD problems all my life. As a kid, extremely thorough hand washing and then checking to make sure water s off by holding knob so tight, i broke it once.
Those went away for quite some time and in college I didn't have the problem. I "outgrew it" As I moved into my own place 4 yrs ago, it came back slowly.... wash hands before handling foods or after I defrosted chicken, etc. Those were legitimate, I washed, didnt obsess or worry. I would also double check my condo/apartment door to make sure its locked. Then....I am fine. No worries.
I managed it myself.
Two years ago almost. I kiss VERY BRIEFLY with someone who had an STD and I collapsed at a bar and I did research and know there was no risk at all. But still obessed and worried and never got checked out just to confirm myself.
To control it, I set a date. By that date, I found out my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and lung cancer (June 05). I was devastated. I immediately thought the worst and then when through my phone alphabetical calling and looking for someone to talk to. A few of my friends abandoned me and a few just disappeared because we let communication lapse.
Two brain surgeries and chemo... cancer gone from brain, gone from one lung... almost gone from 2nd (and chemo seems to still be working)
March 06: My mom has cancer in her back/spine (it spread but brain/lungs fine). I think back to the testicular cancer scare of 00 and how I never saw a specialist... just a regular dr. Then I notice a cyst (and couldnt rememer if it was that one or another). I am afraid constsntly but function well in public. I tell someone i am not very close with just to "reach out" and asked him to "get on my case" So two days in a row he asked "did u make the appointment" On the 2nd day, I posted on a msg board, got the courage, made the appointment, went..... later found out it was the same cyst and no cancer.
I went through coping with moms cancer alone as i didn't feel comfortable talking to my dad or sister. come last may, about a year after mom's diagnosis, I meet Dan and pretty soon he wants to date. I had some hurtful relationships and he had just gotten out of a 3 yr one so I said no and that we should be friends. And then later on I start opening up to him after testing the waters and I slowly do.
Soon after Dan, I meet Patrick as he lives a few minute walk from me. We do late night walk. So he recaps his day and I tell the more comfortable thing on my mind and slowly over time learn he's someone with a big enough heart and strong enough to be around if need be.
I start getting more and more OCD. If things happen during the day, I MUST tell Dan. Even stupid random things.. I just need someone to hear.
Then suddenly my mind gets "weird." I am looking at someone then freak out that it was a girl who is around 18 and fear that "I could be a pedophile." The n random sexual imagery dominates myhead at weird times. I pass a person and think "oh, vagina" or visualize that sex organ or with a guy, a penis. I freak out, build the courage to tell dan and then say 'its hard to explain but something is wrong with me" He doesnt understand but listens. that obsession eventually stops or happens rarely and I don't let the anxiety get to me. It took me 2 weeks to tell him this and I obsessed over the fear that he'd want nothing to do with me any more.
Dan and I officialy become a couple Jan-feb. Mom's cancer was also back in lungs by then so it was one more chemo or nothing could be done. Dan tells me his roommate and he had a huge fight and it as "personal" and I take offense as I completely open up to him and he used to as well to me. So we slowly drift.
Last month, I found out my mom's battle with cancer is going to end and she has 3 months left but they think it it could be half that. We put together a schedule for who will be with her on what days.
She is in a lot of pain and taking heavy narcotics. I give them to her anyway and think "nobody should have to live this way so since you are terminal, we should end it on our own terms but that is wrong, we cant." I feel guilty for thinking that. Then I obsessed in my mind on how I could think such a thing. Then for the next few days, I get images of me ODing her in my head popping up. though because of church and laws I couldn't/wouldn't do it.
One week later, she is worse and I m staying the night there a lot. I go to a trade show and a sheriff wth a gun at side is 4 feet away. I visualized someone taking his gun then correct it and the next thought is me doing it though I know I never would yet I fear I would. I make it through the day but keep saying in my mind "he can't come to this booth, I can't be near him... I am really scared right now" I get home and debate if I am should get myself committed. Then think, I can't. I have family duties and mom has little time left. Her needs and the family come before mine. I get int he car, then begin to drive to the mental health hospital. Then I turned around and went the way to my parents and thought "she needs to go fast, I am losing my mind."
A separate occasion I saw something on tv and thought "kill the cat" after seeng a villian who loved there cat so I obsessed and worried about doing it to mine and the animal at there house.
While I am staying there. I see one of their four cats right by the front door and think "what if Maximus got out and i didnt see it" since he is a black cat and it was night. I spend 30 min looking to make sure all four cats are in the house.
My mind races on playing out potential conversations just randomly. if I am driving, a few times, I had to retrace my route on residential streets to make sure I did no harm. Then I visualize I coulda caused an accident. This is the latest one happening.
In the last 3 weeks, I also now double-triple check for keys, wallet and at parents house.. make sure i locked all doors. Id go to bed and be like "but was I imagining I didn't drop my keys or did I really see myself put them down" That obsession also happened last October after someone dropped their keys outside my home and their car was stolen but later found.
Mom passed away March 27 (less than 3 weeks after I found out she was terminal). Her wake was March 30. The next day, the BF is upset and having problems. I force it out of him that he has bulimia (thats what was too personal to tell me back in Feb). Then for next few days, I obsess over how the timing is ****ty and then I won't have my rock to hold on to through all these things. I pick a fight Friday after his first day of treatment for his eating disorder on how I need him and he decided the wrong time to address his issue. We talk it through and through that talk I feel better about him than ever before and ask all the questions I can about what he has learned/gone through about bulimia. And at the same time told him how he can ease my fears/anxiety about being completly open and all. And I realized that he is going to get some help and be recovered and that he and I are doing it together. And that his problem is one of my problems we are going to work through it. And I realized that if his is really OCD, OCD is affecting my relationship with him and others and that timing may be bad, but I must seek treatment.
I don't endlessly clean my place (its actually a mess because I am lazy) or have difficulty throwing things away. At the gym, I use machines others who may have been sick touch. I only wash my hands when I am changed back into street clothes and done working out. Then I go to the car and drive home.
I do get entrenched in new subjects like buying anew home so I spend hours looking at new houses or looking at weird history information just to know it. That kind of thing started when nobody was around as i used the Internet research/chatting to cope with mom. So what do you think regarding that?
Through mom passing, I drop hints to dad and sister that "i have anxiety problems" and they say to see a doctor and i say, I think I need someone more specialized. I tell themI have anxiety and some OCD but none of the details that I have told Dan, Patrick (as he reads this) and all of you.
Question is......
Do any of you feel or experience the things I have?
Does losing a family member or literly watching their body shut down minute by minute add to or make OCD worse?
Is there a cure to prevent my mind from what i think are senseless/intrusive thoughts but I fear could become reality (because I know/say I would never do the harsher images as they are unrealistic yet I constantly doubt myself"
Thank you for your time and for any insight you provide.
-- DS
I am now 28 years old and have had some OCD problems all my life. As a kid, extremely thorough hand washing and then checking to make sure water s off by holding knob so tight, i broke it once.
Those went away for quite some time and in college I didn't have the problem. I "outgrew it" As I moved into my own place 4 yrs ago, it came back slowly.... wash hands before handling foods or after I defrosted chicken, etc. Those were legitimate, I washed, didnt obsess or worry. I would also double check my condo/apartment door to make sure its locked. Then....I am fine. No worries.
I managed it myself.
Two years ago almost. I kiss VERY BRIEFLY with someone who had an STD and I collapsed at a bar and I did research and know there was no risk at all. But still obessed and worried and never got checked out just to confirm myself.
To control it, I set a date. By that date, I found out my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and lung cancer (June 05). I was devastated. I immediately thought the worst and then when through my phone alphabetical calling and looking for someone to talk to. A few of my friends abandoned me and a few just disappeared because we let communication lapse.
Two brain surgeries and chemo... cancer gone from brain, gone from one lung... almost gone from 2nd (and chemo seems to still be working)
March 06: My mom has cancer in her back/spine (it spread but brain/lungs fine). I think back to the testicular cancer scare of 00 and how I never saw a specialist... just a regular dr. Then I notice a cyst (and couldnt rememer if it was that one or another). I am afraid constsntly but function well in public. I tell someone i am not very close with just to "reach out" and asked him to "get on my case" So two days in a row he asked "did u make the appointment" On the 2nd day, I posted on a msg board, got the courage, made the appointment, went..... later found out it was the same cyst and no cancer.
I went through coping with moms cancer alone as i didn't feel comfortable talking to my dad or sister. come last may, about a year after mom's diagnosis, I meet Dan and pretty soon he wants to date. I had some hurtful relationships and he had just gotten out of a 3 yr one so I said no and that we should be friends. And then later on I start opening up to him after testing the waters and I slowly do.
Soon after Dan, I meet Patrick as he lives a few minute walk from me. We do late night walk. So he recaps his day and I tell the more comfortable thing on my mind and slowly over time learn he's someone with a big enough heart and strong enough to be around if need be.
I start getting more and more OCD. If things happen during the day, I MUST tell Dan. Even stupid random things.. I just need someone to hear.
Then suddenly my mind gets "weird." I am looking at someone then freak out that it was a girl who is around 18 and fear that "I could be a pedophile." The n random sexual imagery dominates myhead at weird times. I pass a person and think "oh, vagina" or visualize that sex organ or with a guy, a penis. I freak out, build the courage to tell dan and then say 'its hard to explain but something is wrong with me" He doesnt understand but listens. that obsession eventually stops or happens rarely and I don't let the anxiety get to me. It took me 2 weeks to tell him this and I obsessed over the fear that he'd want nothing to do with me any more.
Dan and I officialy become a couple Jan-feb. Mom's cancer was also back in lungs by then so it was one more chemo or nothing could be done. Dan tells me his roommate and he had a huge fight and it as "personal" and I take offense as I completely open up to him and he used to as well to me. So we slowly drift.
Last month, I found out my mom's battle with cancer is going to end and she has 3 months left but they think it it could be half that. We put together a schedule for who will be with her on what days.
She is in a lot of pain and taking heavy narcotics. I give them to her anyway and think "nobody should have to live this way so since you are terminal, we should end it on our own terms but that is wrong, we cant." I feel guilty for thinking that. Then I obsessed in my mind on how I could think such a thing. Then for the next few days, I get images of me ODing her in my head popping up. though because of church and laws I couldn't/wouldn't do it.
One week later, she is worse and I m staying the night there a lot. I go to a trade show and a sheriff wth a gun at side is 4 feet away. I visualized someone taking his gun then correct it and the next thought is me doing it though I know I never would yet I fear I would. I make it through the day but keep saying in my mind "he can't come to this booth, I can't be near him... I am really scared right now" I get home and debate if I am should get myself committed. Then think, I can't. I have family duties and mom has little time left. Her needs and the family come before mine. I get int he car, then begin to drive to the mental health hospital. Then I turned around and went the way to my parents and thought "she needs to go fast, I am losing my mind."
A separate occasion I saw something on tv and thought "kill the cat" after seeng a villian who loved there cat so I obsessed and worried about doing it to mine and the animal at there house.
While I am staying there. I see one of their four cats right by the front door and think "what if Maximus got out and i didnt see it" since he is a black cat and it was night. I spend 30 min looking to make sure all four cats are in the house.
My mind races on playing out potential conversations just randomly. if I am driving, a few times, I had to retrace my route on residential streets to make sure I did no harm. Then I visualize I coulda caused an accident. This is the latest one happening.
In the last 3 weeks, I also now double-triple check for keys, wallet and at parents house.. make sure i locked all doors. Id go to bed and be like "but was I imagining I didn't drop my keys or did I really see myself put them down" That obsession also happened last October after someone dropped their keys outside my home and their car was stolen but later found.
Mom passed away March 27 (less than 3 weeks after I found out she was terminal). Her wake was March 30. The next day, the BF is upset and having problems. I force it out of him that he has bulimia (thats what was too personal to tell me back in Feb). Then for next few days, I obsess over how the timing is ****ty and then I won't have my rock to hold on to through all these things. I pick a fight Friday after his first day of treatment for his eating disorder on how I need him and he decided the wrong time to address his issue. We talk it through and through that talk I feel better about him than ever before and ask all the questions I can about what he has learned/gone through about bulimia. And at the same time told him how he can ease my fears/anxiety about being completly open and all. And I realized that he is going to get some help and be recovered and that he and I are doing it together. And that his problem is one of my problems we are going to work through it. And I realized that if his is really OCD, OCD is affecting my relationship with him and others and that timing may be bad, but I must seek treatment.
I don't endlessly clean my place (its actually a mess because I am lazy) or have difficulty throwing things away. At the gym, I use machines others who may have been sick touch. I only wash my hands when I am changed back into street clothes and done working out. Then I go to the car and drive home.
I do get entrenched in new subjects like buying anew home so I spend hours looking at new houses or looking at weird history information just to know it. That kind of thing started when nobody was around as i used the Internet research/chatting to cope with mom. So what do you think regarding that?
Through mom passing, I drop hints to dad and sister that "i have anxiety problems" and they say to see a doctor and i say, I think I need someone more specialized. I tell themI have anxiety and some OCD but none of the details that I have told Dan, Patrick (as he reads this) and all of you.
Question is......
Do any of you feel or experience the things I have?
Does losing a family member or literly watching their body shut down minute by minute add to or make OCD worse?
Is there a cure to prevent my mind from what i think are senseless/intrusive thoughts but I fear could become reality (because I know/say I would never do the harsher images as they are unrealistic yet I constantly doubt myself"
Thank you for your time and for any insight you provide.
-- DS
. It does sound like the last two years have been extremely difficult, sad, and worrisome for you. And, honestly, i am not even close to being an expert on OCD or anxiety in general. I guess all i can offer you is some support..and my own advice...hopefully it will help. In answer to your questions at the end of your post, I do experience anxiety and i think a mild form of OCD as well. Also, i overworry and stress when it comes to my health, as you may have done when you found the lump and thought it was cancer..but really, i think your concern had some validity and you were right to go get it checked :wink: I'm not sure if watching a family member die of cancer could make your OCD worse...but my best guess would be yes, it could likely make any type of anxiety worse..but again, i'm not sure. When you ask "is there a cure to prevent my mind from the intrusive thoughts?" I'm pretty sure you should seek some help, a counselor or a psychiatrist..to help you deal with these issues. Perhaps medication will be of some benefit also. When you said 'I saw something on tv, and then thought "kill the cat" ' and you wondered if you should just commit yourself right away? No, I don't think so, but it would definitely concern me and I hope you can try to find some way to get counseling..for that and also perhaps some bereavement counseling to help you deal with the death of your Mother. I wish you good luck with it all..and hope maybe someone else on the site will be able to offer you more knowledgeable advice... :wink:
