Hard Life!

[Array]

Hey im 27 Years old! I guess ill tell my story! Perhaps it will help someone!

I developed extreme social phobia at a very early age! I'm not sure when exactly! I remember in school i started getting bullied because i wouldn't talk to anyone. I have lots of sad memories actually!

I remember riding my bike around outside my house one day when i was young and some people came up and asked me how old i was, i wouldn't say so they started throwing rocks at me.

Anyway i don't want to go through them all but there was alot of that happening. People told me i should kill myself, people told me if they ever saw me out they would stab me or throw glass bottles at me.

So i become very scared of people and locked myself away from society for a very long time.....

After seeing everyone around me starting to find love, get married and all that it started making me feel even more lonely so i decided it was time to kill myself, but every time i went to kill myself i told myself i might as well push myself and see what happens and if i can't take it i can kill myself then.

I couldn't talk to anyone about it so i studied body language, social skills, psychology and NLP. I forced myself to look people in the eyes as i walked past them. I forced myself to be the first person to say hello to the workers at the shops. I forced myself to walk straight. I forced myself to talk to people no matter what.

It was very hard a lot of the time i would run away and cry cause i would start shaking and they would get uncomfortable. I invited alot of people out and no one ever came! They always said no. No one gave me a chance. I managed to get a date with one chick and she called me a freak! I must admit though i came along way.

There are some people i like that i really want to get to know but because of my sad they always end up pushing me away!

Anyway in the end i decided to **** them all! I stopped trying i spent years trying! And still not one person has invited me out! Now i work 50 hours a week at a very physical demanding job! and then i goto the gym and work out more! Its like insanely hard for someone to work out this much! I just use my pain to keep pushing me! Some nights i will only get one hour sleep cause i will start getting depressed and sad!

I feel like i have to keep active all the time or i will start getting depressed so yeah basically my life is just working and gym! On weekends no one invites me out and i don't want to sit at home and get depressed so i goto the gym, even though im already very sore from the week.

It's very hard on me! Seeing people i like pushing me away cause i get nervous or for whatever other reason! Its hard but its my life and i want to make it better! Some nights it gets so hard i just cry for hours! But in the end its my life and i will keep pushing until i find what i want or die trying! I won't give up on myself no matter what!

 

[chained]

I am glad u feel this way.. and u trying means a lot..but u can;t do it by urself.. I REALLY ADMIRE U!!! could u get some help...and if u ever need to chat PM me

 

[Pink_Paula]

You're a really strong person, i admire you for that. It takes a lot to decide to change your life especially when you have severe SA. It's so easy to sit back and wallow in self pity, but you're trying to keep yourself busy and active and that's a good thing.

Thank you for posting this

 

[Brokenx]

i really admire you too, you're very strong.

I second this.

 

[Qbmaster]

First of all I want to agree with everyone else in this thread. You seem to be working hard and you should be admired for that.

Now let's be constructive!

It is easy for us with SA to think that people are pushing us away, because we tend to only see the negative in everything. If someone seems bored in our company, we think it is our fault and then we don't want to burden that person by forcing him/her to spend any more time with us - ever! Some people will even tell us "you're weird", "why are you so shy?", or just complain about our general lack of social skills. What I've realized is that this still doesn't mean that that person does not want to be your friend. Most people accept all kinds of friends. Their circle of friends might include a cool guy, an ugly guy, an annoying guy, a funny guy, and a really shy guy all at the same time. Instead we must be really careful not to push other people away. I have a habit of doing this, and therefore I have decided that every time I notice that I am pushing someone away I have to pull the same person back in again.

A strategy that works for me when I want to get invited to people is to actually ask them to invite me. Just say "If you're doing something this weekend, tell me". This is more or less a way of inviting yourself into that person's group of friends and it works surprisingly well. If it doesn't work just do it again (with the same person!). And don't just do this with one person, do it with as many people as possible (thus increasing the chance that someone invites you).

As for learning NLP, psychology, body language, etc., I find all those aspects of psychology to be really interesting, but reading books has not actually helped me improve my social skills. It is much better to study real human interactions (either in real life or in movies, but if you learn about human interactions from a movie you should probably make sure that the actors know what they're doing). Just observe how other people do the things that are difficult for you, and then practice doing them yourself!

Just a couple of things that have helped me whith my SA. I hope they are helpful.

 

[Array]

Thanks everyone! I have learned alot about SA pushing through it! I do get depressed sometimes though and when i posted it i was rather sad!

Anyway over the years i have learned to accept the fact that when i push through it at every step that i will be nervous and that it will show and it will make them feel uncomfortable and uneasy!

Last month i was talking to this chick at work and i said i wanted to learn martial arts and she said that she could teach me. I asked her for her number and my hand started shaking while i was putting it in my phone and she noticed and started feeling uncomfortable!

We need to realize that during the recovery process things like this will always happen its not our fault its just the way it goes so don't be so hard on yourself! It has to come out or it wont heal. Its ok to feel the way you do after all your dealing with a phobia and alot of people don't realize how hard it is!

Also it hasn't been all bad i have had some great conversations with stranger chicks where they have said i was intelligent, gorgeous and awesome. It just hurts when there are people that i would like to start a relationship with whether that be friendship or something else and it just doesn't happen.