Going Crazy?

[Umbra]

Hello all. This is my first thread here. Its mostly just venting so you may just want to skip it. I hope that writing all this down will help me somewhat.

I don't know if I have social phobia or any personality disorders for that matter (I've never been officially diagnosed), but I'm certain that there is something wrong with me. Despite the fact that I have several good friends, I still don't feel like I'm connecting to people. I feel anxious around people (although Its gotten significantly better since when I was younger). I have a group of friends and I'm actually quite comfortable with them when we're all in a group, but then when I'm faced with a one-one situation I get very uncomfortable. I can't seem to carry on a conversation either. The interesting thing is, I think I know exactly what the problem is. I'm a terrible person. I'm self-centered, apathetic, boring, and manipulative. You can even see it in this post. I'm whining about myself, and I'm using manipulative phrases like I always do. Wondering what manipulative phrases I'm using? Well first of all the third sentence of this post. I realized recently that I use phrases like that unconsciously, not to warn people about what's coming up, but rather wanting to draw them into it (In this particular case, I don't know if I'm using it manipulatively or to genuinely warn people. Perhaps its both?). Then I go and belittle myself to get people to feel sorry for me and talk me up. I never realized it but, this is what I've been doing. I've been trying to correct this habit, but I found that it is harder than I thought it would be. I'm not sure if I can even do it all by myself. I don't want to be a terrible person, but I feel like I'm stuck here. I have absolutely NO REASON to be depressed (my life is fine) and yet I am. Anyway, now that I've realized this I find myself always questioning my own motives. I feel like I'm going crazy. Particularly in the area of love. I won't even get into that. All I can say is that my emotional thoughts are getting dangerous. I'm angry at women for rejecting me. I know how immature that is, but I can't stop myself from feeling angry, I can barely quell it at all. I also know that they reject me because I'm a terrible person. It's my fault, not theirs, and yet, even realizing this, I'm still angry. I feel like there's another person inside of me, that I'm fighting with for control over my mind. What frightens me the most isn't even the suicidal thoughts anymore, its that I've had fantasies of pulling a Columbine/Virginia Tech and that I've found comfort and pleasure in these fantasies. I realize how bad that is, and I dislike that I find comfort in such fantasies. I miss the fantasies I used have, of sci-fi worlds and ****. I miss being able to wonder and think about interesting things, rather than constantly dwelling on negative thoughts. I try not to dwell on negative things either. I've tried meditation, I've tried distracting myself, but they won't desist. The only thing that seems to work is being with people, but I can't always be with people (I don't want to become dependent and clingy), and of course being with people makes me feel anxious. Anyway, I'm sure you can clearly see all of the illogical, hypocritical, and inconsistent thoughts. I can see them too, but I can't seem to change them.

Thank you for listening.

To conclude this post, I guess I'd like to ask if anyone else feels like they're going crazy. How do you handle it, if the answer to the previous question is yes?

 

[jaim38]

Yes, sometimes I feel like i'm going crazy too because I kept thinking there were evil spirits around haunting me and waiting to ruin my life all over again.
No, I don't think you're being manipulative. The 3rd sentence in your post is in no way manipulative; plenty of people on this forum wrote what you wrote, not verbatim but very similar wording.
I've tried meditation and mindfulness, and they do work temporarily. I've had thoughts such as "I hate people", "everybody hates me", "b****", and "F***" running through my head; when I am aware of myself thinking such negative thoughts, I take a time-out and try to calm down, become more aware of the present moment. Then I try to rationalize with myself by telling myself "I don't hate everyone, I like my friends and family and there are some very nice people out there. Not everyone hates me. My friends and family like me." And that seem to make me feel better.

 

[Umbra]

Ha ha Yeah, funny you should mention evil spirits, because I tend to compare my own negative thoughts to a group of shadowy figures who stalk me constantly and attack when I'm alone. Thank you for replying, and sharing jaim38. I imagine it can be difficult to read through posts like mine (which in the end are quite self-centered). Sometimes those reassuring thoughts work for me, but not all the time, and recently they don't seem to have much of an effect at all. The only thing the reassures me definitively is when I actually see that people care about me. Lemme ask another question. Once you have reassured yourself, what happens when something else bad happens? Do they crumble away for you like they do for me?

 

[jaim38]

Ha ha Yeah, funny you should mention evil spirits, because I tend to compare my own negative thoughts to a group of shadowy figures who stalk me constantly and attack when I'm alone. Thank you for replying, and sharing jaim38. I imagine it can be difficult to read through posts like mine (which in the end are quite self-centered). Sometimes those reassuring thoughts work for me, but not all the time, and recently they don't seem to have much of an effect at all. The only thing the reassures me definitively is when I actually see that people care about me. Lemme ask another question. Once you have reassured yourself, what happens when something else bad happens? Do they crumble away for you like they do for me?

When something else bad happens, it used to be that the reassuring thoughts crumble away and I go back into depression and negativity. So, I go back to square one. It also depends on the severity of the bad event; for example, if I experience prolonged and outright harassment from people, I of course will go into deep depression. But if it's something less severe and temporary, like I see a customer rep who doesn't like me and I never see that person again, then I will be a bit shaken, but I will tell myself that I will never see that person again and that makes me feel better.

I partly blame myself for some of those bad experiences because my social skills suck and I don't really smile at people, so there's probably no reason for them to treat me nicely. But, it would be a bonus to see people who go out of their way to be nice to me and others.

 

[buggy]

I think you're being a little hard on yourself... if you've identified that you have a problem then that's a great first step towards improving yourself. Remember everyone is illogical hypocritical and manipulative at times, it's no reason to punish yourself over. If you feel like there's something you can work on then do that! but take it easy at the same time if you can don't be too harsh