spectator
Well-known member
I really don't know where else to go but here. This isn't something I want to talk with my parents about, my brothers about, the only option is a therapist and I don't feel ready for that yet.
I'm 18, I live in New York City. I just moved here (but I'm from Long Island, so the city is not new to me). It's been about 4 months or so. I know about 25 people as good friends. I'm not totally socially isolated. I tend to keep quiet in social situations, but if asked a question, I can respond without looking weird, I can crack a few jokes, I pretty much am just the guy who "tags along." I don't think I've ever been an antagonist to anybody, I haven't made one enemy, haven't been made fun of for the past 10 years, nothing. I also have never really been loved by anyone. No girlfriend, never had sex, never had a relationship, never kissed a girl. I keep questioning whether I want one. But the truth is that I'm just denying the fact that I yearn for one desparately. I'm too shy to dance or "put myself out there"- I don't want to change for anyone (I'm not particularly goodlooking but not paticularly ugly or fat). For all I care she could be the ugliest girl in the city, as long as it's someone I can be with and kiss and do all the things people my age are supposed to be doing, people I see every day kissing in parks or movies, making me feel left out and isolated. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a woman- I am too inexperienced, and they are angels, all of them. Sometimes I hate all of them and think them all to be shallow. Sometimes I convince myself that I am too mechanical for a woman, and I should just join the army and become a killer, and go to a prostitute twice a month when I get older, and when I'm 35, get a mail-order bride, love her, watch her cheat on me since that is what I assume such a girl will do after watching about such a tale on a court TV documentary, and divorce here and raise the children such that I devote every fiber of my being to them. Other times I just want to have a normal relationship. No matter what way I feel, I am terrified of girls making a move on to me- even though I am desparate for them to do so. And it's not just that- girls DO talk to me...I have plenty of female friends who do photoshoots of me for fun and hug me. I get so shy and afraid of them making a move, but if they were to do so, I would accept and let them "sweep me off my feet"- I would let them walk all over me, use me as they will, and give every ounce of love I can to them- just as long as it means I can say I have a girlfriend.
I have a lot of work I need to do for university, and sometimes I let it take long into the night so I can have an excuse as to why I don't spend
time in clubs, events, parties...
There are some nights where I'm done with work, and I go with some friends to do something. Sometimes I actually make a good acquaintance out of the blue, just sitting in a class. But many times I end up isolated; people can't hear me because I'm mumbling rather than talking, and then what I had to say just sounds pointless and stupid the second time. The more I talk, the stupider I sound, so I just shut up. I have a slight middle eastern accent that sets me unfortunately apart. I feel kinda awkward and I just go out and walk. I've walked sometimes 30 streets, 60 streets, to the empire state building, to washington square park for no reason. I lie down on benches even though a rat may pop out and bite me in parks. I just lie down and cry, or sometimes try to look tough and bumlike (I have a weird fascination and respect for the homeless). I even ask the homeless for advice on exactly what I'm describing now. I try to get people to stare at me. When I ride subways I try to look suspicious and weird. I sit in the corner of movie theatres even if there are seats left just to see how people will look at me when the movie is over and they leave, to see if they show sympathy to me. I have some obsession with getting people to stare in awe, fear, or sympathy at me. It's so hard to put into words. When people I don't know are walking past me on the street, I have no social phobia. None, I even take delight in looking like an idiot, or looking drunk when I'm not. When I'm in a place where people I might end up really knowing are judging me, or with friends, I end up much more anxious & try to act as normal as possible, or sometimes I just let loose and act a bit wild and fun. I don't even know what kind of psychological problem this classifies as.
I tend to fall in love not with just individual girls, but with whole societies. I've travelled to many countries- I would look at the women on the streets and fall in love en masse- I would think about how I would love to be a spy for that country just so I can indirectly be of valuable to the women. Here in New York I just end up really really liking specific girls about 14 times a week. But if I were ever committed to one, I would never, ever, under any circumstances, cheat on her. That goes against my personal principles.
On Halloween Night, I was depressed, on the verge of crying, under the arch in the middle of a parade. 2 girls picked me up and took me to their apartment. They asked me questions, my name where I live etc. I answered everything, I felt so good, and so strange, and so scared at the same time. They were beautiful, these girls, and they were complimenting me. I froze up. I didn't say a word, I only answered quesitons. I didn't even smile. I was terrified to the core, I didn't know what to do. They were all doing cocaine and drinking; I ended up leaving with 2 other ones, who walked me back, and I never saw them again. I found one on facebook and she rejected my friend request. Probably because of how stone-like I was.
Sometimes the fact that I never had a girlfriend lunges me into depression, other times it makes me wonder what more there is to life. My greatest dream is to be a doctor who travels the world- and, at risk of sounding presumptuous, I have grades high enough to convince me that that dream could easily become a reality. But I often fantasize these scenarios- that I will save the life of a tribal chieftain in Africa, and the chieftain's daughter will marry me. That some fellow doctor will come to love me in the mountains of Nepal. That I will save a girl's life, and she will always remember my face, and we will fall in love.
But as time goes by I feel like these things will never happen. As I sink further into my shell, even in a place as open as NYC, I start to devote myself fully to schoolwork, to my volunteering work. I try to convince myself that work alone will get me to feel better- that if I busy myself all night with studying (something I don't "hate" doing, but certainly don't enjoy), I'll be happier. But it doesn't work. I used to be a video game addict (I get addicted easily to many things, such as foods, games), but since I moved to the city, I've stopped this. I ended that period of bliss in which I was fully devoted to games. I want to become something more, but I'm too shy, and just...I can't really explain it.
If I ever do end up in a relationship with a girl, I promised myself to be everything I can be- I will be the best guy ever, I will do everything she wants- I will follow all her whims, I will desparately get her never to stop loving me. Maybe there is something wrong with this mentality, but I don't know. Many girls have caled me cute, some have even called me "adorable," but I am like a puppy in this sense- a fun toy to look at, most girls don't consider me as someone who can be a serious partner. I don't even consider myself someone like that, but I wish I could be. And I don't want to change. I have some kind of pseudo-social anxiety (this is up to everyone here to decide), but I don't WANT to change. I like being me, and I don't like being me. I'm caught in some kind of twisted dilemma.
Only this week have I started to looking online at all these sites, and reading what everyone has to say. I was shocked. Before, I would sometimes cry at night for no apparent reason. Sometimes I would know the reason (I was pretty much tortured up till 3rd grade- I switched schools, and I became a popular sort of class clown, but respected, not made fun of)- isolation. Sometimes I just can't think of a good reason. Ever since I read what other people have to say here, and realized I am almost a conglomeration of everyone else, a carbon copy of so many people here, but also unique, I feel so much better. I feel so glad that there are other people who are at least in one or two aspects like me.
I really am interested what advice anyone can give me. I have no clue anymore. I choose to get myself enthralled with the world of science- of chemical bonding, of the nature of calculus- all to avoid contact with women, something I desparately want, and which, when I actually make the effort, seemingly can't have. I love nature, I love clouds- but these are my excuses to avoid the real issue. I've been suicidal, but that ended in 2 days, simply because, as I said, there are certain things in this world I like, certain aspirations ( I mentioned earlier) I dream to meet, but I can't go on like this. I'm missing something integral of youth, and I don't want to be 40 and isolated. I'm considerate, somewhat decent in looks, but I don't take the extra step, and I don't have the balls to do anything other than wait to be "hit on" by a woman, and then give in. Sometimes I see couples in parks and smiling men and women- I almost feel like I want to kill them. Then I see little children smiling and happy, and I am disgusting to ever have such thoughts. I'm royally messed up. If I keep going down this path, I don't really know what will happen. I need help, but I can't even clearly identify the problem (and I doubt from reading this explosion of my feelings can any readers, either,) but I wish someone could. It's not about confidence- I certainly am self-conscious and find many faults in my self, but I'm not painfully self-hating enough to be in the position I'm in. I take care of myself hygienically. I don't really know anymore.
There's one thing I forgot to mention, and this is one of the bigger problems. I have something called tics disease. This is a disease where the brain triggers dopamine (chemical that makes you feel good, satisfied) whenever I do a series of very awkward movements and sounds, such as clearing my throat obsessively, or weird neck motions, or shifting my mouth half way and making weird smiles for split seconds. It can be stopped only by not doing tics, but resisting them is like resisting a cold coca cola after being in the scorching desert for 2 days. Over my 18 years of living I've managed to hide them well enough that it is very rare for anyone to see me actively perform a tic (even though I do about 1 every 2 or 3 seconds). Nobody I know, except my immediate family, knows about this, because of how well I've hidden it. Maybe it is subconsciously tied to the problems I described above, I don't know.
I have no fear of public speaking. In fact I can make speeches in front of 3000 people ( I have) and get everyone to love how genuine and well I spoke. In my volunteer work I got to know my fellow volunteers, the head chef, all the people we serve food too- I think a little bit in the back of my mind if everyone "approves" of me and if I'm not being awkward, but for the most part, I have 0 social shyness or anything of the sort. I can even be very witty when I work there. But when I'm in the presence of a girl, or a group of girls, or guy and girls with majority girls (but not majority guys) I lose it. I scratch my head, I say weird things or don't say anything at all, I put my elbow behind my back, I link my hands and worry about making eye contact. It's like girls are this alien species in a way and I can talk to some of them, some friends of mine who are girls and very plain-out genuine and fun to talk with, but when it comes to anything other than light conversation, or if its a group of girls I don't know or were not introduced to me in the presence of multiple guys, I feel like I'm on the shores of Normandy Beach about to be shot. I'm scared of not being able to dance. I'm scared of being asked out, but I want to, but I don't want to. I'm scared of not acting right on a first date. I'm scares of not knowing how to properly kiss a girl. I'm scared of STDs. Besides that I'm scared of sex itself, of whether I have the capability to do it right, with no mishaps, and so that both of us enjoy it, or at the very least, her.
I'm extremely submissive. I don't care about being the "dominant" partner in a relationship or anything like that. If anything I'd enjoy being led around by a girl, following her orders, if it makes her happy. But I'm too shy to even find a way to fulfill that role. Because on the other hand I feel like I don't have anything to really offer. I may end up getting rich someday but that's it. I can be witty, I listen to all sorts of music, and watch all sorts of movies and read books- I'm not a cultural boor. But I feel like I just don't have enough. I can't pin what it is, but I feel like there's something all guys with girlfriends that I see every day have that I just don't have. And this is even more pathetic since I'm attending a University with 60% female, 40% male, and half the males are gay.
I've never expressed these problems to anyone before in my life. Most people think I'm a normal guy who just doesn't have a girlfriend ( most don't even know that). I'm finally "coming out" here. I feel this is the forum most appropriate for this. I don't know what to do. I alternate between suicidal, homicidal, romantic, and nonchalant. I cry sometimes at night, or just when alone. I get good grades and I do fun things and I don't feel the satisfaction, I mean the physical stimulation of the brain such that I feel the emotion of "happy," that I should be feeling. The only time I can recall being genuinely "happy" is when laughing at a particularly funny joke, once a month, or when travelling abroad, and that only happened in one particular country. I am somewhat content and calm if I'm in a graveyard, an open field, somewhere with wind, with white noise, somewhere beautiful, like a canyon, or caught in a rainstorm (I love rain and snow) but not really "happy." I see all these posters "today I'm feeling..." and these myspace "moods" and all this, and I feel like it's weird how so many can really set it on "happy," while I'm always stuck on something below happiness. Sometimes I feel robotic, other times wild and unpredictable. My roomates all have girlfriends, who are very friendly with me, and I get somewhat jealous, but I'm happy for them. But then I look at their kissing and playing around on the bed and I feel like love and relationships like theirs are so false and fabricated, I don't think I could horse around on a bed just because it might feel stupid. I don't know what to do. Maybe a psychologist is the only choice. Maybe some of you can tell me what is wrong here. I try blaming technology and modern society, reading things like the unabomber's manifesto and anti-modernity essays. Then I realize how stupid that is. Then again I make it a scapegoat. I think I'm going insane. Maybe a real girlfriend will solve all this, I don't even know. Maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with that. Maybe I'm SA in denial, or a mix between SA and something else. Amazingly, I feel very uncomfortable after writing this, even though I thought I should feel relieved that I finally released this monster inside me. I just really hope I'm not crazy.
I'm 18, I live in New York City. I just moved here (but I'm from Long Island, so the city is not new to me). It's been about 4 months or so. I know about 25 people as good friends. I'm not totally socially isolated. I tend to keep quiet in social situations, but if asked a question, I can respond without looking weird, I can crack a few jokes, I pretty much am just the guy who "tags along." I don't think I've ever been an antagonist to anybody, I haven't made one enemy, haven't been made fun of for the past 10 years, nothing. I also have never really been loved by anyone. No girlfriend, never had sex, never had a relationship, never kissed a girl. I keep questioning whether I want one. But the truth is that I'm just denying the fact that I yearn for one desparately. I'm too shy to dance or "put myself out there"- I don't want to change for anyone (I'm not particularly goodlooking but not paticularly ugly or fat). For all I care she could be the ugliest girl in the city, as long as it's someone I can be with and kiss and do all the things people my age are supposed to be doing, people I see every day kissing in parks or movies, making me feel left out and isolated. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve a woman- I am too inexperienced, and they are angels, all of them. Sometimes I hate all of them and think them all to be shallow. Sometimes I convince myself that I am too mechanical for a woman, and I should just join the army and become a killer, and go to a prostitute twice a month when I get older, and when I'm 35, get a mail-order bride, love her, watch her cheat on me since that is what I assume such a girl will do after watching about such a tale on a court TV documentary, and divorce here and raise the children such that I devote every fiber of my being to them. Other times I just want to have a normal relationship. No matter what way I feel, I am terrified of girls making a move on to me- even though I am desparate for them to do so. And it's not just that- girls DO talk to me...I have plenty of female friends who do photoshoots of me for fun and hug me. I get so shy and afraid of them making a move, but if they were to do so, I would accept and let them "sweep me off my feet"- I would let them walk all over me, use me as they will, and give every ounce of love I can to them- just as long as it means I can say I have a girlfriend.
I have a lot of work I need to do for university, and sometimes I let it take long into the night so I can have an excuse as to why I don't spend
time in clubs, events, parties...
There are some nights where I'm done with work, and I go with some friends to do something. Sometimes I actually make a good acquaintance out of the blue, just sitting in a class. But many times I end up isolated; people can't hear me because I'm mumbling rather than talking, and then what I had to say just sounds pointless and stupid the second time. The more I talk, the stupider I sound, so I just shut up. I have a slight middle eastern accent that sets me unfortunately apart. I feel kinda awkward and I just go out and walk. I've walked sometimes 30 streets, 60 streets, to the empire state building, to washington square park for no reason. I lie down on benches even though a rat may pop out and bite me in parks. I just lie down and cry, or sometimes try to look tough and bumlike (I have a weird fascination and respect for the homeless). I even ask the homeless for advice on exactly what I'm describing now. I try to get people to stare at me. When I ride subways I try to look suspicious and weird. I sit in the corner of movie theatres even if there are seats left just to see how people will look at me when the movie is over and they leave, to see if they show sympathy to me. I have some obsession with getting people to stare in awe, fear, or sympathy at me. It's so hard to put into words. When people I don't know are walking past me on the street, I have no social phobia. None, I even take delight in looking like an idiot, or looking drunk when I'm not. When I'm in a place where people I might end up really knowing are judging me, or with friends, I end up much more anxious & try to act as normal as possible, or sometimes I just let loose and act a bit wild and fun. I don't even know what kind of psychological problem this classifies as.
I tend to fall in love not with just individual girls, but with whole societies. I've travelled to many countries- I would look at the women on the streets and fall in love en masse- I would think about how I would love to be a spy for that country just so I can indirectly be of valuable to the women. Here in New York I just end up really really liking specific girls about 14 times a week. But if I were ever committed to one, I would never, ever, under any circumstances, cheat on her. That goes against my personal principles.
On Halloween Night, I was depressed, on the verge of crying, under the arch in the middle of a parade. 2 girls picked me up and took me to their apartment. They asked me questions, my name where I live etc. I answered everything, I felt so good, and so strange, and so scared at the same time. They were beautiful, these girls, and they were complimenting me. I froze up. I didn't say a word, I only answered quesitons. I didn't even smile. I was terrified to the core, I didn't know what to do. They were all doing cocaine and drinking; I ended up leaving with 2 other ones, who walked me back, and I never saw them again. I found one on facebook and she rejected my friend request. Probably because of how stone-like I was.
Sometimes the fact that I never had a girlfriend lunges me into depression, other times it makes me wonder what more there is to life. My greatest dream is to be a doctor who travels the world- and, at risk of sounding presumptuous, I have grades high enough to convince me that that dream could easily become a reality. But I often fantasize these scenarios- that I will save the life of a tribal chieftain in Africa, and the chieftain's daughter will marry me. That some fellow doctor will come to love me in the mountains of Nepal. That I will save a girl's life, and she will always remember my face, and we will fall in love.
But as time goes by I feel like these things will never happen. As I sink further into my shell, even in a place as open as NYC, I start to devote myself fully to schoolwork, to my volunteering work. I try to convince myself that work alone will get me to feel better- that if I busy myself all night with studying (something I don't "hate" doing, but certainly don't enjoy), I'll be happier. But it doesn't work. I used to be a video game addict (I get addicted easily to many things, such as foods, games), but since I moved to the city, I've stopped this. I ended that period of bliss in which I was fully devoted to games. I want to become something more, but I'm too shy, and just...I can't really explain it.
If I ever do end up in a relationship with a girl, I promised myself to be everything I can be- I will be the best guy ever, I will do everything she wants- I will follow all her whims, I will desparately get her never to stop loving me. Maybe there is something wrong with this mentality, but I don't know. Many girls have caled me cute, some have even called me "adorable," but I am like a puppy in this sense- a fun toy to look at, most girls don't consider me as someone who can be a serious partner. I don't even consider myself someone like that, but I wish I could be. And I don't want to change. I have some kind of pseudo-social anxiety (this is up to everyone here to decide), but I don't WANT to change. I like being me, and I don't like being me. I'm caught in some kind of twisted dilemma.
Only this week have I started to looking online at all these sites, and reading what everyone has to say. I was shocked. Before, I would sometimes cry at night for no apparent reason. Sometimes I would know the reason (I was pretty much tortured up till 3rd grade- I switched schools, and I became a popular sort of class clown, but respected, not made fun of)- isolation. Sometimes I just can't think of a good reason. Ever since I read what other people have to say here, and realized I am almost a conglomeration of everyone else, a carbon copy of so many people here, but also unique, I feel so much better. I feel so glad that there are other people who are at least in one or two aspects like me.
I really am interested what advice anyone can give me. I have no clue anymore. I choose to get myself enthralled with the world of science- of chemical bonding, of the nature of calculus- all to avoid contact with women, something I desparately want, and which, when I actually make the effort, seemingly can't have. I love nature, I love clouds- but these are my excuses to avoid the real issue. I've been suicidal, but that ended in 2 days, simply because, as I said, there are certain things in this world I like, certain aspirations ( I mentioned earlier) I dream to meet, but I can't go on like this. I'm missing something integral of youth, and I don't want to be 40 and isolated. I'm considerate, somewhat decent in looks, but I don't take the extra step, and I don't have the balls to do anything other than wait to be "hit on" by a woman, and then give in. Sometimes I see couples in parks and smiling men and women- I almost feel like I want to kill them. Then I see little children smiling and happy, and I am disgusting to ever have such thoughts. I'm royally messed up. If I keep going down this path, I don't really know what will happen. I need help, but I can't even clearly identify the problem (and I doubt from reading this explosion of my feelings can any readers, either,) but I wish someone could. It's not about confidence- I certainly am self-conscious and find many faults in my self, but I'm not painfully self-hating enough to be in the position I'm in. I take care of myself hygienically. I don't really know anymore.
There's one thing I forgot to mention, and this is one of the bigger problems. I have something called tics disease. This is a disease where the brain triggers dopamine (chemical that makes you feel good, satisfied) whenever I do a series of very awkward movements and sounds, such as clearing my throat obsessively, or weird neck motions, or shifting my mouth half way and making weird smiles for split seconds. It can be stopped only by not doing tics, but resisting them is like resisting a cold coca cola after being in the scorching desert for 2 days. Over my 18 years of living I've managed to hide them well enough that it is very rare for anyone to see me actively perform a tic (even though I do about 1 every 2 or 3 seconds). Nobody I know, except my immediate family, knows about this, because of how well I've hidden it. Maybe it is subconsciously tied to the problems I described above, I don't know.
I have no fear of public speaking. In fact I can make speeches in front of 3000 people ( I have) and get everyone to love how genuine and well I spoke. In my volunteer work I got to know my fellow volunteers, the head chef, all the people we serve food too- I think a little bit in the back of my mind if everyone "approves" of me and if I'm not being awkward, but for the most part, I have 0 social shyness or anything of the sort. I can even be very witty when I work there. But when I'm in the presence of a girl, or a group of girls, or guy and girls with majority girls (but not majority guys) I lose it. I scratch my head, I say weird things or don't say anything at all, I put my elbow behind my back, I link my hands and worry about making eye contact. It's like girls are this alien species in a way and I can talk to some of them, some friends of mine who are girls and very plain-out genuine and fun to talk with, but when it comes to anything other than light conversation, or if its a group of girls I don't know or were not introduced to me in the presence of multiple guys, I feel like I'm on the shores of Normandy Beach about to be shot. I'm scared of not being able to dance. I'm scared of being asked out, but I want to, but I don't want to. I'm scared of not acting right on a first date. I'm scares of not knowing how to properly kiss a girl. I'm scared of STDs. Besides that I'm scared of sex itself, of whether I have the capability to do it right, with no mishaps, and so that both of us enjoy it, or at the very least, her.
I'm extremely submissive. I don't care about being the "dominant" partner in a relationship or anything like that. If anything I'd enjoy being led around by a girl, following her orders, if it makes her happy. But I'm too shy to even find a way to fulfill that role. Because on the other hand I feel like I don't have anything to really offer. I may end up getting rich someday but that's it. I can be witty, I listen to all sorts of music, and watch all sorts of movies and read books- I'm not a cultural boor. But I feel like I just don't have enough. I can't pin what it is, but I feel like there's something all guys with girlfriends that I see every day have that I just don't have. And this is even more pathetic since I'm attending a University with 60% female, 40% male, and half the males are gay.
I've never expressed these problems to anyone before in my life. Most people think I'm a normal guy who just doesn't have a girlfriend ( most don't even know that). I'm finally "coming out" here. I feel this is the forum most appropriate for this. I don't know what to do. I alternate between suicidal, homicidal, romantic, and nonchalant. I cry sometimes at night, or just when alone. I get good grades and I do fun things and I don't feel the satisfaction, I mean the physical stimulation of the brain such that I feel the emotion of "happy," that I should be feeling. The only time I can recall being genuinely "happy" is when laughing at a particularly funny joke, once a month, or when travelling abroad, and that only happened in one particular country. I am somewhat content and calm if I'm in a graveyard, an open field, somewhere with wind, with white noise, somewhere beautiful, like a canyon, or caught in a rainstorm (I love rain and snow) but not really "happy." I see all these posters "today I'm feeling..." and these myspace "moods" and all this, and I feel like it's weird how so many can really set it on "happy," while I'm always stuck on something below happiness. Sometimes I feel robotic, other times wild and unpredictable. My roomates all have girlfriends, who are very friendly with me, and I get somewhat jealous, but I'm happy for them. But then I look at their kissing and playing around on the bed and I feel like love and relationships like theirs are so false and fabricated, I don't think I could horse around on a bed just because it might feel stupid. I don't know what to do. Maybe a psychologist is the only choice. Maybe some of you can tell me what is wrong here. I try blaming technology and modern society, reading things like the unabomber's manifesto and anti-modernity essays. Then I realize how stupid that is. Then again I make it a scapegoat. I think I'm going insane. Maybe a real girlfriend will solve all this, I don't even know. Maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with that. Maybe I'm SA in denial, or a mix between SA and something else. Amazingly, I feel very uncomfortable after writing this, even though I thought I should feel relieved that I finally released this monster inside me. I just really hope I'm not crazy.
