Fudge....I just want to die, like...for real

[MothPriest]

I feel like complete and utter **** all the time, for the last like 7 years of my life. Ive tried my best so much to combat it and do things to make myself happier, or root out the cause of it. Ive seen doctors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, you name it. I was in the hospital for a while too after a suicide attempt. After that I really went with an all or nothing attitude, like.. I was close to death so I mine as well do all the things that I have wanted to do and make a better life. I revealed things about myself that i had kept secret for so long, in hopes that by letting that out somehow I would feel better and more alive. I have done more behavioral activation than anyone has done in a year. Ive been on meds for more than a year, I also have OCD which sucks a*&hole. Ive done the treatment for it(Cognitive behav therapy, ERP, etc), and it has gotten better, but it has been with me everyday and just creates a living hell sometimes. I feel like my dog has f**king period blood all over it, (long story well not really but meh), and it probably doesn't, but in my head it does and it just sucks cause i cant pet it or anything, i have to wash my hands whenever i do or come close. I avoid a lot of things as well. Eventually over time that adds up and really just causes a lot of distress feeling like stuff in your house has been contaminated for months, years even. I have contamination ocd if u haven't guessed. But my ocd is kinda in the back seat right now. My depression is just really bad, and I have done like literally everything; Ive tried not to analyze too much, i tried to accept that this is how I will always feel or that I should not try to obtain the 'feeling' of happiness because it will never be good enough. Ive done so much and have tried non stop everyday for like 7 years and it just does not matter. The only time i feel alive and actually somewhat good...is when I think of killing myself. So i really don't know what im doing on this forum but i feel like writing this, and Ive never been one to really pour all my problems or talk about my self on the internet, if ever, never. I am just soo..... so tired...and want peace....even thinking about that depresses me

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I still feel like this alot.
Can't really tell you any magic way to stop being depressed, as I have not found one but it sounds like you've been trying everything you can think of to feel better.

Do you do any kind of art at all?
My best paintings were all created when I was at my lowest points.
Sometimes, all you can do is distract yourself-- sometimes talking about it helps.

So, if it helps you at all you should talk more often.

 

[surewhynot]

Sometimes when we don't see our life going anywhere it can look all pretty pointless which can lead to depression. One way to help this can be trying to give yourself something to work towards to, some sort of goal. Ask yourself where would you want to be in one or five years from now on? Then you can set up a plan in little steps that would allow you to achieve such goal. An example would be a diet plan, or maybe starting a new hobby like taking drawing courses, or anything really. It has to be something personal that would help your self esteem and make yourself be more happy with yourself.

I wish you best of luck, sincerely, suicide is never the answer. Life can be beautiful and this is our only chance..

 

[jc972]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but I honestly don't believe suicide is the answer. I think you should try to find something joyful to look foward to. Due to guilt from certain circumstances I wanted to die for a long time, I wasn't suicidal per se but i just didnt care anymore if I lived or died, and one day I realized I had things to live for. From that day on things started looking better for me. I really don't think suicide is the solution to the problem.

 

[MothPriest]

Thanks for the replies,

However I have done a lot o the things mentioned here.
I actually paint usually 1-2 times a week, its a nice break sometimes. I set up goals last year i guess I could say, and have achieved some of them and I have devoted my time and energy to various things like school and hobbies that interest me, but alas I still feel the same, I knew I would to but I figured I should at least try. Anyways, talking does help somewhat, so thanks for listening.