I've found this forum recently and read stories of other people.I've always thought that i was alone but now i see there are so many
people like me.Good to know you're not alone.
But i think my situation ıs the worst.I dont remember much about my chıldhood. Can only remember those long and lonely summer days.I didn't have many friends. School was a good thing for me because that was a cause to be with other children. At least i had a reason to go out of home.But as i grew up everything changed,my misanthropy started to get worse.I didnt want to see other people no more.Especially hated other children and most of the teachers at school.So i gave up school.I think it was the biggest mistake of my life.I started to live as a recluse,my world only consisted of the house and its little garden.At first some of my friends used to visit me once in a while but they left me because of my strange behaviour.It was 1994.Those very lonely and deppresive days lasted for ten years more.
I'm living in a country where military service is obligatory so ı had to join the army in may 2004.First ı had to join a battalion for recruites for 3 months and ıt was 300 kms from my home.
Then ı had to go to a some other place which was 1500 kilometers away from home and stay there for one year.That had been my nightmare for years.I had to make a decision between killing myself and facing my worst nightmare.There was a belief in my country that joining the army completely changes a person and when he comes back home he is a stronger man.I thought this idea might be true and i decided to try.
My brother took me to the place where i had to spend 3 months.Those were hard times.Everyone had to wake up at 5 am in the morning and i was a person who spends more than ten hours in bed before going there.There were other difficulties but i dont want to talk about them. Can only say that i was in a huge depression that i was losing weight unlike others putting on weight.I was able to make one or two friends though.But when they ask me why i was so silent,looked so sad, ı was only telling lies because i wanted noone to know about my pathetic life.My favorite song those days was a The Doors song. Lyrics were <People are strange when you're a stranger , faces look ugly when you're alone>
After coming back home i had one week leave but as you can guess i spent that time at home.
Can't tell much about second part of my military service,i was away from and home had to live one year there.Sometimes i felt so bad that i didn't have the strenght to go on ,sometimes it was fun to be able to do what others do.Travelling and talking to others wasnt a problem.But when i came back home i realised that i was still the same person and my avoidant personality didn't change.It's been more than 2 years , and i'm still in the same situation.
Now I have lost all my hope that my life will get better .I have lived like a prisoner for 14 years but i dont think i can kill myself so looks like i have to continue to live like this for at least forty years more.The worst thing is theres noone around to help me cope with this illness of agoraphobia.I desperately need advice from people who understands my situation..This is my humble story.
Excuse my English.THANKS for reading...
i bet u'd be a lot more talkative than i in the future.